War Sucks by thecomet
Summary: Seven years after OoT, Link's a pothead and Zelda's in charge. And Hyrule might be screwed.
Categories: Fan Fiction Characters: Zelda, Link (OoT & MM)
Genres: None
Warnings: None
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 12 Completed: Yes Word count: 12159 Read: 117684 Published: Feb 02, 2005 Updated: Jun 22, 2005

1. One by thecomet

2. Two by thecomet

3. Three by thecomet

4. Four by thecomet

5. Five by thecomet

6. Six by thecomet

7. Seven by thecomet

8. Chapter 8 by thecomet

9. Nine by thecomet

10. Ten by thecomet

11. Eleven by thecomet

12. Twelve by thecomet

One by thecomet
"It's time."

Impa's words rose Zelda from the seat at her desk. She had a lot to think about. Today was a very special day for her. A dark one. It would have been the day Link and the sages had sent Ganondorf back into the void of the Sacred Realm. Of course, she had sent Link back into time and only the two of them understood what was happening. Right now, though, Link was sleeping in his treehouse in the Kokiri Forest. And Zelda had something else on her hands...something big.

Impa led her down the stairs to the conference room. There sat delegates from all of Hyrule's major races. Nabooru, as the Gerudo's queen. Darunia, as the Goron leader. Ruto, as the Princess of the Zora. Apparently, their king still wouldn't move his big ass, not even for an emergency such as this. The Kokiri were the only ones without a representative. Impa took a seat, and the meeting began.

"Thank you for coming on such short notice, brothers and sisters of Hyrule." Princess Zelda spoke with not much of a emotional tone, just a plain voice. Which was unusual, given that she usually sounded so upbeat and happy.

"Where is the Kokiri representative?" Darunia was always the outspoken one, although pretty much everyone but Impa had no problem speaking their mind.

"Dumbass, you know they cannot leave the forest." Ruto and Darunia had this thing about arguing a lot.

"Did I ask you for an opinion?"

"ENOUGH!" Zelda shut them up. "Normally, I find your bickering humorous, but not today. The Kokiri apparently do not have a representative." Zelda was sad at this: she thought Link would have been there by now. She had sent a messenger the day before. Link was the only one in there who could leave, and given the dire situation, she knew he would come.

"Now, let us begin. As you all know, my father passed away seven months ago."

"Very tragic. I still have trouble believing he's gone." Darunia may have acted tough, bvut he had a few soft spots. The late King of Hyrule was one of them.

"With his passing, I was the one who had to rule. Immediately, a neighboring country has decided that Hyrule is ripe for the picking. As we speak, a quarter of a million troops are coming in by sea from the east and over the western canyons into the Gerudo's territory." The room was hushed now. Hyrule had a history of being very violent internally, but its relations with other countries was top-notch. Nobody had ever had a problem with the kingdom.

"If those bastards make it to the Spirit Temple..." Nabooru was a little bit concerned. "Ever since the Haunted Wasteland was cleared out by my people, there's no reason why they couldn't march straight into our land." The Haunted Wasteland was a giant sandstorm waiting to kill, but the Gerudos had recently completed work on a giant tunnel system leading right to the sacred temple. "There aren't enough of us to hold them, even for a few hours."

"The Zora people can only do so much from underwater." Ruto was less concerned due to her racial pride. But she still knew the threat was pretty bad.

"We need a head count on soldiers. We have 5,000 Hylians."

"800 Gerudos."

"300 Gorons."

"600 Zoras.

"Okay. Now, how do we defend Hyrule from 250,000 men, with only a handful of able-bodied warriors?"

The council was silent.

Link sat up from his bed. He climbed up to his feet, trying not to fall back down. His hair was all over the place.


Link remembered the reason for his dizzyness: an empty bottle of rum lay on the floor. He slowly walked over to the bathroom door. Three years ago, Link decided to just put a damn outhouse in so he didn't have to do his business outside. Being struck by lightning while urinating with your shield on was a memory Link didn't want to remember. While Link was doing his business inside, Saria took it upon herself to walk into Link's house.

"Have you been drinking again?"

Link didn't answer, only the sound of a liquid stream.


Link walked out of the outhouse. "Morning to you, too."

"I'm not the one who has to be in Hyrule in...oh, about two seconds?"

Link completely forgot that he had been asked to represent the Kokiri at an emergency meeting at Hyrule Castle. "I can make it, remember?" Link grabbed a tunic from a chest nearby and slid it on.

"You're going looking like THAT?"

"Why not? I'm not going to impress anyone. I might stop and see Malon..." Malon. After Link's escapade through time, Link tried to visit Malon as much as possible. She didn't remember "fairy boy" at all, but she soon got to know him. Link still remembered that he went ahead and made the trip to Hyrule Castle Town, and met Malon there, waiting for her dad just as he remembered. And just as he remembered, he had to sneak into the castle to wake Talon up. Then, he went back to the ranch fo visit Malon, and met Epona. The part Link didn't relive was when he kept coming back...and after seven years he and Malon managed to make a very nice bond together. At the moment, they were nestled comfortably between dating and friends. But Link was going to change that soon. Malon was turning seventeen in a week, and he wanted to make it special for her.

"LINK!" Saria broke Link's train of thought. "Stop daydreaming and hurry up! Get your sword and go!" Saria handed Link the Peacemaker. Obviously the Master Sword was laid to rest. So Link had saved up money for about six months to have a replica made. It didn't feel the same to Link, and there were a few minor changes to the looks; the handle was green instead of blue. But, it was a sufficient weapon. Link readied his Ocarina and brought it to his lips. He paused quickly.

"Forgetting something?"

Saria giggled. "Sorry, Link. I guess we're both in a hurry." Saria jumped up as high as she could to wrap her arms around the neck of a much taller Link. "See you soon, Saria." Link then let her go and played the Prelude of Light. The yellow particles flashed around him, and he was gone.
Two by thecomet
The council was still quiet. All of a sudden, the door came open.

"Am I too late?" Zelda had a bit of a smile on her face, and the rest of the crew had no idea what to think. This was obviously a Hylian, about seventeen, dressed up like a Kokiri. Either this guy was nuts or he knew of a really cheap costume shop.

"Who the hell are you?" Darunia wasn't about to take it anymore.

"The Kokiri's representative."

"The Kokiri are children forbidden to leave the forest."

"I am Hylian blood, raised by the Kokiri. My mother gave me to the Great Deku Tree as a child. I was called to be here, and here I am."

Zelda and Link looked eye-to-eye. They were the only ones who understood.

"Have a seat, Sir Link." Link sat next to Ruto, who thankfully had no clue about the whole Zora's Sapphire deal. Even now, Ruto was happily married.

"Anyway, we need suggestions. My guess is 125,000 will come in from the east, into the Zora's River tributary by Lake Hylia. The other 125,000 will come in from the west into the Gerudo's territory..."

"Question." Link raised his hand. "Why the hell are there all these soldiers coming into our land without provocation? Or did Zelda turn down abother prince?" A few snickers hit the room coming from Nabooru, but quickly died down.

"Link, this is no time for humor. Hyrule is in serious danger. We are viewed as weakened since my father's death."

"Weakened? How many other countries out there know the magic we know?"

"Magic may not help us against the sheer numbers game. We are outnumbered about twenty-five to one. How can we beat those odds?"

"Zelda, don't be so hopeless. If we give up hope...then they have to." Link pointed outside towards the Castle Town. "How long do we have?"

"According to the official statements I was sent...they'll be inside our borders in one week."

Link didn't look too healthy as he walked up the path into Lon Lon Ranch. He knew he would be needed again tomorrow to prepare for war, and that he would not be able to celebrate Malon's birthday with her. This put a real damper on his plans to get closer to her. While he thought, trying to figure out how to break it to Malon...BOOM.

"Ouch, damnit...Epona?" The red horse with the white mane. She was one of a kind. Immediately she recognized Link. "NEIGHHHH!"

"I missed you too, girl!" Link patted Epona's mane. He didn't have to lead her; she followed him right into the ranch. Talon was at the enterance, going through a shipment of milk that was about to be sent out.

"Link! Whatcha doin', you sumbitch?" Talon and Link had a quick hug. "Malon's in the stables. How ya been?"

"Holding up the best I could. How's everything here?"

"Aw, same as usual. Ingo's being his usual self, but he's getting work done. Horses are obviously happy to see you. Epona must have heard you from a mile away." Talon checked off a few things on a piece of paper. "All done. Damn, this farm shit's rough with only a handful of workers. When ya gonna marry Malon and move out here to help?"

Link smiled. "When the time's right."

"Man, you see how she looks at you. I'd rather she was with you than some other scum out there. I wouldn't keep her waiting. I hear her talk to her girlfriends...she wants it." Talon was a pretty open guy with Link and Malon's relationship. Although Link didn't really think of it as a relationship, everyone else knew it was. "Well, I won't keep you two waiting. Go ahead. I've got to get this milk down to Lake Hylia anyway. Epona!" Epona slowly walked up to Talon. "I know, girl, you wanna stay here with Link." Talon thought a minute, then handed Link Epona's reigns. "Take care of her while I'm gone. Snowstorm!"


"Yeah, she's my new horse. Check dis' shit out!" An all-white stallion came thundering forward with speed that almost surpassed Epona. She stopped right in place for Talon to hook up the wagons to her. "I'd betcha in a couple of years this horse could run circles around Epona!" Talon quickly rode away. "I'm late! See ya!"

Epona neighed roughly. "He didn't mean anything by it." Link then grinned to himself as he walked towards the door to the stable. He cracked it slightly. There was Malon, tending to a baby foal. Link smiled. She looked so beautiful, even though she had been working hard for hours. Link knew it was almost sunset, and they would have time to watch the sunset together. He was a sucker for romantic things, just like her.

"HEY!" Epona nudged Link on the read gently. Malon turned around and almost caught Link spying on her. Link was fast, though, and quickly got behind the door. "You almost got me caught!" Epona neighed again, and this time it almost sounded like a laugh. She then ran off into the corral with the other horses, leaving the two lovebirds alone. Link tiptoed into the stable. Malon was finished with her work, and she was cleaning herself up at a nearby well inside the shelter. She removed her overshirt, revealing nothing but a plain white sleeveless top.

Aw shit. Link was getting excited. Malon was drying off when Link decided to go ahead and take his chance.
Three by thecomet
Link snuck up on Malon very softly and slowly. She never knew that the man she was thinking about was right behind her.

Malon had been busting her ass all day on that ranch. She was wishing that when it came time to settle down at night, she had Link around to keep her company. It could get cold sometimes in that upstairs room. There were many a night she wished he could come out to be with her, to sleep beside her. She was lonely a lot of the time. Link did stop by as often as he could, but she wanted more. A lot more.

Link was within arm's reach of Malon. He grinned to himself as he reached out to put his arms around her waist. He had it all planned out in his hed. He would hug her gently, and rest his head on her shoulder. She'd turn her head to meet him and give him that beautiful smile that always melted him. Then, they would share a very passionate kiss. After that, well, Link didn't want to do it all at once.

Link's arms were almost around Malon. In one split second she would feel his warmth. But Link soon felt something completely different. Link slipped on a wet spot on the floor, and fell right to his ass. Of course, given his close proximity to Malon, she was brought down right with him. She landed on top of Link, facing him.

"Well...hello." Malon gave Link that melting smile.

"Uh...hey." Link was pretty embarassed. His cheeks were blusing beet red.

Malon kissed Link on the cheek and got up. Link kipped up to his feet and dusted himself off. "You okay?" He put his hands on Malon's sides.

"I'm fine. I didn't know you were coming, or I'd have dressed better."

"Don't worry, you're more than good enough like this."

Link and Malon embraced tightly. Malon slipped her hands into Link's. "I missed you."

"I missed you too."

Malon pulled back a bit, still holding on to Link's hands. "So...whatcha got?"

Link smiled. "Oh...I have a little bit on me..."

Link and Malon were lying on their backs. Lake Hylia was a very peaceful and gorgeous place at night. The stars were shining brighter than usual, and the full moon shone brilliantly over the still, calm water. Link was holding a nice peace pipe. It was about two feet long, and made of all wood. He had painted several designs on it: a Triforce, the three Spiritual Stones, and the crest that was on his shield. He took a giant hit that had to last about ten seconds. He held it in, held it in, held it in, and couldn't anymore. A giant cloud of smoke billowed from his nose and mouth as he coughed violently. Malon smiled a little bit as she leaned up to make sure he wasn't dying. Link laid back down and grinned from ear-to-ear.

"God, I'm stoned."

Malon took a much smaller hit and didn't cough it all up. She exhaled nothing but air. "Me too." Link had started smoking pot in Termina. He found it for sale at the Curiosity Shop one night. This wasn't during his travels when he fought Majora, but a few years after. The fifteen year old Link had no idea what the hell he was doing. He bought the bag for a cheap price. Ten Rupees. Link got home and tried it...and he'd been smoking pot ever since. Back in Hyrule, weed was almost impossible to find. Malon tried it with him, and the two of them had been getting stoned together ever since. They didn't do it every day, it was one of those once-a-month type deals. But, man, was that once a month special.

"Hey, Link."


"I was just thinking..."

Silence for about thirty seconds. Malon then laid back down.

"Still thinking?"

"Shut the fuck up, I'm high."

"So am I, what's your point?"

"I could really go for some chicken right now."

"The kind you pour beer all over and roast over an open fire?"

"No, the kind you put salt and pepper on and throw into an oven."

"Ah. Well, I guess we have led different lives when it came to food."

"Yeah...I never really did think about it until I started getting the munchies."

"I've always been hungry."

"I've noticed. You eat more than my dad."

"Well, I have a very fast metabolism cused by my passion for physical overexertion."

Malon turned back over and stared at him.


Link rolled over and looked at Malon in the eyes.

"Never mind."

Malon smiled back as Link held her hand.

"So, what do you wanna do now?"

"Hmmm...I don't know, fairy boy." Link's ears turned red.

"That still embarasses you?"

Link blushed. "Sometimes."

Malon kissed Link's cheek. "I got an idea."


Epona rode furiously through the streets of Kakariko Village. Link readied another egg in his slingshot. He knew he was too old to be using it, but he was so high he didn't care. He pulled back, and shot the egg right for a chicken. It hit it in the back, breaking all over the place.


"Nice shot, baby. My turn!" Malon loaded the slingshot with an egg. "Hey, Link, it's funny...we're shooting their own kids at them!"

"We're baby killers!" They both laughed out loud. Malon readied her shot, and missed the chicken...only to hit the guard stationed outside the gate.

"Aw, FUCK! Move it! We are so busted!" Link yanked on Epona's reigns. The guard gave chase on foot for a while, but was no match for Epona. A second guard, probably a supervising officer, was right behind him.

"Who the hell was that, Oceyn?"

"I don't know, sir. They were shooting eggs out of a slingshot."

"Probably some stupid kids. Let's get back to keeping watch."

"Yes sir." Oceyn was a new member of the Hylian Armed Forces. He was a sentry for his hometown of Kakariko Village. "Sir, any new news concerning the invasion?"

"Not to my knowledge."

"I've heard rumors we're outnumbered twentyfold. Maybe more. And we're surrounded on both sides."

"I don't know. Just stay vigilant, Oceyn."

"Yes sir." The young sentry wiped egg from his armor, and returned to his sentry duty.

"I had a nice time tonight, Link." Link and Malon were standing at the door to Lon Lon Ranch's exit. Malon slipped her arms around Link's neck. "When do you think you'll be back? Hopefully for my birthday..."

Link hadn't broken the news to her. He figured he might as well do it now. "Malon...there's something going down this week. Something big. And...I'm going to be away on your birthday. I'm sorry, I can't do anything about it. I'm needed to protect the forest. I'm the only one who can do it."

Malon looked away. She was really looking forward to being with Link on her seventeenth birthday. "I...I understand."

Link took her face into his hands, gently pushing her chin up. "Hey...it'll all be okay. As soon as it's over, I'll be on my way right here. Okay?"

Malon smiled very weakly. "What...what's going on?"

"I'm not allowed to talk about it."

"Okay...I...I understand. It's one of tose top secret type deals."

Link nodded. "It'll all be okay. I'll see you later." Link leaned forward. Malon leaned up. They kissed. Link ran his hands through Malon's hair. She rested her head on his, rubbing his neck and back. "Bye, Malon."

"Bye, Link." Malon and Epona went back inside the ranch. Link turned to leave. He got outside the ranch, and readied his Ocarina. He didn't want Malon knowing he could use magic. He played the Minuet of Forest, and was back in front of the Forest Temple. He began the short trip back home.


"Princess Zelda...we found and killed ten soldiers invading the Spirit Temple. They would not talk about their orders or plans. They resisted, but were no match for us Gerudos. They are formidable fighters, but once isolated and individualized they are defeatable. The problem is, in sheer numbers they will tear us apart."

Nabooru's report was shocking to Zelda and Impa. "Son of a bitch, Princess..."

"I guess this means war."

"We have began fortifying the desert and the Gerudo lands. However, there is only so much we can do with out limited personnel."

All of a sudden, a Zora came rushing in.

"Princess Zelda! News from the seas!"

Zelda was handed an envelope. She opened it and began to read aloud.

"Enemy ships sighted inside Hyrule waters. Anchored fifteen hundred feet from land. Thirty-six miles upriver to Kakariko Village." Zelda dropped the paper. "SHIT."
Four by thecomet
"Well, what the hell do we do? We don't have any help assembled at ALL!"

"Princess, calm down!"

"Calm down? Hyrule is about to be buttfucked!"

Zelda was obviously ticked off big time about this. She was within two or three days of the entire country of Hyrule being either claimed by another country or being burnt to ashes and then claimed. Even Impa, who had seen it all after nearly twenty-five years in the Royal Family's personal services, was a bit concerned herself. But she knew panic was not an option. They must remain calm.

"Zelda, can Link...you've talked like he's practically a god or something..."

Zelda looked up. "Link...Link is very powerful, but he can't defend us alone." Zelda kicked an armor over. "Only the goddesses themselves can help us now."

Impa soon heard something. Looking out the window, she saw three riders approaching the gate. Clothed in all black Gerudo-type gear, and carrying long thin swords, the male riders stopped at the gates and jumped off their horses.

"Who are you?"

"We, sir, are here to speak with Princess Zelda about the upcoming invasion." The guard turned around to the other sentry. "Notify the Captain. Now." He turned back.

"You might want to let us in. If we get impatient..."

The guard refused. "Nobody comes in without the Captain's approval." The captain was already there. "What is all this?"

"God damn it, we want to help save your fucking country! Do you not know what the fuck is going on?"

"Calm down, Tryeon. We are three representatives of our people. He is Tryeon, a bit of a short-tempered man. The man to my left is Dux. He is very quiet. Rarely speaks. And I...I am Unco."

The captain pondered, but Impa was already down there, having ran from the castle. "Captain, who are these men?"

"Do we HAVE to explain it to you again?"

The captain raised his hand. "Ma'am, these men wish to aide us. Something about an upcoming invasion." Impa had kept this top-secret, as only the races' representatives knew. How did these men know? "Who are our people? You look like no people we have seen."

Unco smiled. "Our people? Let us in and we shall explain...we are rather famished after such a journey."

Zelda, Impa, Unco, Dux, and Tryeon all sat in the council room.

"Gentlemen, in less than three hours my council will arrive. Altogether, we have 6,700 troops. We are up against 250,000 men. We cannot survive those odds..."

"Your Majesty, we understand your concern. But rest assured, these men will never step foot on Hylian soil."

"They have already been to the Spirit Temple. They were on Gerudo land, which is unified to Hyrule. It is a province of the Hylian Kingdom."

"Those men are not the threat you need to be concerned with." Once leaned back. Zelda and Impa looked at him dead-on.

"Two hundred and fifty thosand men are not the threat?"

Unco stood up. "This is the story of the Dark Ones. They were destroyed by a large, vast empire known as Lachia and exiled to the outskirts of Hyrule in the mountins. The king of Hyrule, Zelda's father, had tried to help the Dark Ones to defeat the Lachians. As long as that king reigned, Hyrule would be safe. Why? During the Unification War, the king of Lachia was killed by the king of Hyrule in a heated battle. The prince of Lachia dissappeared, and Lachia turned into a anarchist state. The king of Hyrule chose not to keep the country, as it was so far away. Now, it has been restored to glory, thanks to a warrior named Lych, the king's twenty-four year old bastard son from a previous encounter prior to the Queen."

Dux stood up next. "So, Lachia is looking to avenge its loss and take Hyrule for itself. But, this Lych...he is downright dangerous. No man can scratch him."

"So what can we do?"

"Gather your armies...we will aid you."

"LINK!" Saria hugged a tired Link tightly. Link smiled. "Hey Saria."

Saria jumped down to the floor., "You all right?"

Link sat down on the bed. "Oh yeah...just that we're all gonna die in a week."

Saria sat beside him. "The Deku Tree spoke today, Link. To all the children. He said to tell us not to be afraid. We all know something evil is coming, Link. We feel it within the forest. The Deku Tree told us we would be safe, because of him...and because of you. He cannot promise your safety, but he wil promise us ours." Saria put her arm around Link. "I know you have to do what you have to do, but is it too much to ask if you come back in one piece?"

Link smiled. "I fully intend to come back. And once I do, we're going to fix this house up. I still smell burned piss."
Five by thecomet
"Holy shit...how did you...?"

"You see, we were once a race. When we were exiled to the mountains, and to all other kinds of remote places, we became more of a group of outlaws. That is how there are so many of us. Hylians, Gorons, Zora...many peoples."

"Yeah, but THIS MANY?"

One hundred and fifty thousand of the Dark Ones were gathered at the plains behind Hyrule Castle, and some were up into the mountains. The crowd of warriors seemed to extend for miles.

"Princess Zelda, do we have a battle plan yet?" Impa was a lot more calm now, as she felt a little bit better about the odds. Zelda was still a little jumpy, but that was just her personality. After the hell she had been through with the alterate timeline and everything, it was suprising anything got to Zelda.

"Have your men wait here. We must meet with the others."

"I want to represent my people."

"Okay, Unco. Let's go."


Link was very slow getting out of bed. He knew what was coming. He pulled his clothing on quietly. He packed up everything he had that might be useful. His magic spells, his magic arrows, several Magic Jars, the Longshot, and the Peacemaker. He walked out the door to leave for the castle...and was met by every single Kokiri in the forest. Saria and Mido stood in front of them.

"Hey Link." Link waved at Saria, with a look on his face that showed everyone he had no clue what the hell was going on.

"Since you're going out there to save the world, we felt like seeing you off. The Deku Tree also said you would find this useful." Link climbed down to the ground. Four Kokiri brought out a giant treasure chest. "He said you would understand." Link opened the chest and looked inside. He pulled out the contents as he had many times before...

"You have GOT to be kidding me." Link held up a bong made out of a wooden replica of the Deku Tree Sprout. "How the fuck am I going to save Hyrule with this?"

"If all else fails, you can get stoned before you die...?"

"Fuck you, Mido."


Talon looked out the window at Lon Lon Ranch. He could see that there were many gathered behind the castle, but he could not see any more.

"What the hell's going on over there?"

Malon was brushing her hair over in the corner. "I don't know, Daddy. Maybe they're going to see The Who."

Talon looked back at his daughter. "So your boyfriend's somewhere in that mess?"

"No, he's right here." Talon heard the unmistakeable sound of the Longshot. Link then hopped in the window. Link had used that trick many times back in the day. Malon gave Link a big hug.

"Hey, boy. Shouldn't you be out there with them?"

"Them?" Link looked out the window to see what Talon was talking about. "What in the blue hell...? I've got to get out there." Link turned and gave Malon a quick kiss. Before she could say anything, he was out the door.

"He's got to do what he's got to do, Malon."

"It's just not fair...that's my Link, goddammit!"


"Thank you all for coming...again..."

"Fuck the formalities, Princess. Let's kick some ass!"

"Show some fucking respect, Darunia!"

Link ran up to join the commanders. "Can you guys knock it off? THere's a really big fucking army right behind the castle!"

Unco grinned. "I know. It's mine. We're out here to help you."

Link looked the man up and down. "O...kay...I'd say I don't trust you, but Hyrule is fucked without your help. Link."

"Unco. Anyways, here's the proposed plan. My army splits into two. Half goes with the Gorons and Zora to take down the ships to the east. The Zoras will attack from the sea, and the Gorons from the air on the mountaintop. The other half will go with the Gerudos and Hylians to protect the desert lands. They will use stealth and suprise attack in varied points from the Spirit Temple all the way down the tunnel system to the fortress. And in the fortress will be waiting about 75,000 troops. The guard will be staying at the castle, and Link, you will personally guard Zelda." Link and Zelda, despite the connection between them, had really never spoken more than two minutes at a time. You could thank the late King for that one.

"Anybody have any questions or better suggestions?"

"Yeah." Nabooru raised her hand. "Why don't we just collapse the damn tunnel and make them die in the Haunted Wasteland?"

Unco knew the truth: that Lych could make it through that wasteland without trying. Instead, he came up with some bullshit reasons. "One, we can ambush them in the tunnel. Two, do you really want to knock it down?"

"All right."

"Anybody else?" Nobody seemed to have anything to say.

"Let's move out then."
Six by thecomet
It was quiet. Too quiet. The Gorons had waited six hours for any sign of movement. The boats remained in place. The troops stood still on the boat decks, in conscription and ready to fight. The Zoras remained at the bottom of the sea, awaiting the right time to strike.

"Man, maybe we'll stand off long enough and they'll die of old age."

"Quiet. Just wait..."

On the top of the mountain, Link ws waiting by his catapult. The proud son of Darunia was one of the quickest Gorons in history. Combined with his daddy's strength, he was the Goron's second-best warrior. Only Darunia could defeat him. Speaking of, Darunia was standing right beside him. Link's catapult was filled with a eighteen hundred pound boulder, which had a Bomb Flower growing on the side. Instant fireball.

"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon...I want to crush those bastards..." Darunia was getting very impatient.

"I do too, Dad. I just wanna let this thing loose right for that boat right there on the left. I got it figured out...it'll crush Mr. Big Nose right in the middle, and probably knock a few limbs off those stooges around him. Plus, it'll light that thing on fire, so we'll have grilled dickcheese for dinner."

"I'll pass and just eat whatever I find." Darunia picked up a rock and threw it into his mouth. "Hmmm...butter pecan. That doesn't happen often."

"Fuck it." Link let the catapult go.

"LINK? AH SHIT! ATTACK!!!" Link's shot hit the boat head-on, and a huge explosion rocked the waters. Several more rocks flew down the mountain side. It was on. The Zoras charged up from below, and torpedoed through some boats that didn't get blown up. There were so many of these boats, however, that it would take more than one wave to kill them all. And several men were floating alive in the water. The Dark Ones waited on the shores to pick off the suvivors.

"Second wave...ATTACK!" A second wave of catapults flew down the mountain, some into the floating masses of soldiers and some into the other boats. But the boat captains were wising up, and going around the catapult's ranges. The Zoras split to try and catch these boats. Princess Ruto herself was leading the battle, to much suprise. She saw several men with harpoon guns, and a few with tridents. A Zora charged a boat with armed men on it. He got a harpoon put right through his neck and throat for it. Ruto looked over to see a trident go through he heart of another Zora. There were still about fifty thousand men in a third row of ships. The first row was decimated and the second one was still going.

"FALL BACK! EVERYONE FALL BACK TO LAND!" Ruto and the remaining Zoras retreated to land. They went by river, swimming like mad. A mile and a half up, was the gathered army waiting on the Lachians. Tryeon was leading them. "Princess?"

"There's a whole lotta 'em coming your way! We're going back."

"Tend to your own peoples. We will handle this!" Tryeon drew a sword. "MARCH TO THE SHORES! KILL EVERY LAST ONE!" The massive crowd began moving. Tryeon turned to Ruto. "Good luck, Princess."

Meanwhile, up on the mountain, the Gorons were preparing to go back to Goron City. Darunia and Link were arguing the whole way.

"What the hell was that? I told you, we have to wait..."

"Wait for what, Dad? For them to suprise attack us first? No way! THEY challenged US! THEY invaded our borders, and THEY sat there in OUR water for two days. I say if that's not reason to blow their asses away to Hell..."

"They did deserve what they got, but in war, you can't always go gung-ho balls to the wall!"

"We're Gorons, Dad!"

Back at the shores, the remaining Lachian troops all pulled in.

"Commander, what are our orders?"

"March to the Castle and rendevouz with the King."

"Yes sir." The giant army was soon on the move. Little did they know Tryeon was waiting for them. "HALT." Tryeon's army stopped. The Lachians marched up the plains. Tryeon smiled to himself somewhat as they came into view.

"Let's kick their asses." Tryeon simply drew his sword. Immediately, the well-rested Dark Ones all withdrew their weapons and began marching towards the tired Lachians. A few stated running, followed by more, and then the entire army charged full-speed into Hyrule's attemping invaders.

The Lachians barely stood a chance. Within two hours, about half the Dark Ones remained alive and able. They all gathered away from the scene of blood and gore, the bodies and limbs. Tryeon was helped up by two other soldiers. His chest was cut open, and his left arm had an arrow stuck in it.

"Let's go west to the Castle..." And with that, Tryeon passed out. His men carried his off the field, and the Dark Ones marched on.
Seven by thecomet
Note: Sorry for the long absence...


Lych took another step. He had taken too many, but he knew he had to. It was a long march from his country to this one. Sending half his forces in a giant swoop around the continent was an even longer journey. The army behind him stepped almost in total unison. Pat. Pat. Pat. The desert sand under their feet was not forgiving whatsoever. Marching on, the troops stopped. They were at the back of the Desert Colossus.

"I assume you know what you are to do, Commanders."

The officers behind him all nodded.

"Then let's not wait." Lych put his arm out straight, and snapped his fingers. An explosion was heard, and the entire army watched as Lych brought down a huge ball of fire. It flew right into the back of the Spirit Temple, blowing a huge hole right into the back of it. Pieces of sand and rock flew everywhere. Some of the men had never seen Lych's amazing magic powers and physical strength. Others, well, they knew it all too well.

"He can do THAT?" A young soldier was amazed.

"Quiet." An older soldier hushed him.

"I figured they'd be waiting for us in there...let's storm the place. MEN, LET'S GO. BE CAUTIOUS." Lych and his men begin walking forward. They drew their swords, all ready to charge. But, instead of charging, they just walked. Pat, pat, pat...across the desert sand. Walking around the now crumbling Spirit Temple, the men looked around the desert, looking for the soldiers they were supposed to be killing. Leevers were all over the place but not attacking. The rocks were all quiet, the sand unshuffled. Lych looked around and turned to another officer behind him.

"It's too quiet. They're expecting us?"

"You think so, milord?"

"I'm not ruling it out. Get the men down in the tunnel...I'll take care of this myself."


"I said, I got this. Get the men through to Hyrule now. If they bring that tunnel down..."



Two Gerudos were hauling ass down the tunnel system under the Haunted Wasteland. They knew what was coming and needed to warn Nabooru and Dux. Gerudo's Fortress was nothing but a giant crowd waiting to kill. The two sentries flew up the inclined ramps at the end of the tunnel and right out into the Fortress. Running through Gerudos and Dark Ones, they fought through the crowd looking for their leaders, who were casually talking over beside the Training Grounds.

"Nice place."

"Thank you. Well, I can't take the credit, it was built way before my time."

"You keep it running."

"How hard is it to keep two square miles of brick and clay pueblos functioning?"

"Try a whole mountain range of mercenaries and outlaws."

Nabooru shook her head a bit. "I guess you have a point."

"I'd love to have a nice, quiet place to settle down instead of always go, go, go..."

"It's not so quiet and relaxed here. We're theives who are home to Hyrule's equivalent of Hades."

"Ganondorf? He's small-time. Ever heard of Majora?"


Dux grinned. "THAT'S something to piss your pants over."


"I'm not one to tell horror stories, but..."

"Maybe sometime we can get together and you can."

"That sounds nice."

The two Gerudos ran up to the platform. "QUEEN! INCOMING!"

Dux grabbed one of them, and Nabooru the other. "Breathe in...out...calm down..." Nabooru had a different approach. "What the fuck do you mean, incoming?"

"THE SPIRIT TEMPLE! LYCH!" The guard wasn't going to stop hyperventilating anytime soon. Dux looked over at Nabooru. "I believe that miss is trying to say that Lych destroyed the Spirit Temple and that we better move our asses."

"Too late." Nabooru pointed down towards the now-ongoing battle down by the gates. Dux drew his two machetes, and Nabooru reached for her scimitar.

"You do know we're probably going to die, right?"

"That's the thing about war...the winner dies emotionally and the loser dies physically."

"Wow...I never thought of it that way."

Dux and Nabooru charged at two Lachian soldiers, taking them out with ease."

"I'm sort of a philosopher in my spare time..." Mid-sentence, Dux flipped a man onto his back and slashed at his throat.

"That's awesome." Nabooru ducked a swinging battle axe and stabbed a man in the stomach.


Three hours had passed. Only about a hundred Gerudos, and two hundred Dark Ones, stood still alive and able to move. There were still about seventy thousand Lachians. Lych had killed just about everyone that got in his way, even at one point killed one of his own men who was standing in the way of his sword.

"DUX! WHERE ARE YOU?" Nabooru tried to shout above the sounds of the screaming and the clashing metal. All of a sudden, she was grabbed and yanked backwards into one of the buildings.

"It's me. We gotta get the hell out of here."

"How? Run blindly into the field?"

"You wanna try for the Spirit Temple?"

"Fine, let's retreat." Nabooru jumped out of the pueblo and whistled loudly. Every single living Gerudo ran towards the sound. Dux screamed something out in a weird language. All the Dark Ones retreated as well. The entire cluster ran away from the battle out towards the field.

"I got an idea, Dux. Stop." Nabooru held back the commander and waved for everyone to cross the rope bridge. Once all the soldiers were through, Nabooru and Dux ran across. The Lachians were still a few hundred yards away, coming in strong. Once they got through, Nabooru took her scimitar and slashed one of the ropes. Dux slashed the other, seeing her plan. The bridge collapsed. The Lachian army tried to stop. A few men wound up falling down into the river below.

Lych stood looking on, his face contorted into thought.

"Milord, what are we going to do?"

"I'm thinking. I'm thinking...we need to cross this in order to get to the castle. I think...Wait a damn minute. That river leads to Lake Hylia. We're going in."

"What? Milord..."

"We're climbing down the cliff and going through via Lake Hylia. We go straight to Hyrule Castle and take it over. The Hylians are defenseless. I can feel it."

"Yes, milord."
Chapter 8 by thecomet
Zelda was looking out the window of her castle. She sighed deeply. Inside, Impa, Link, and Unco sat twirling their swords and looking at their other weapons.

"You think fifty guards is enough, Unco? What if they get here?"

"We did the best we could, let's just hope it worked."

Zelda turned around.

"What would Lych do with us?"

Unco laid his sword down.

"You are a beautiful young virgin, you do the math. The rest of us are going to die a public death."

"Oh. Fuck."

Link stood up. Zelda was now sweating heavily. Her hands were shaking. Link looked over on the table at the Deku Bong.

"What the hell...Hey, Zelda."

Zelda turned around, her face turning pale.


"Come sit down. Everyone."

Link had a bad feeling about this. Maybe getting high while Hyrule was under red alert invasion was a bad idea. But in any case, Link knew Zelda was going to worry herself to death way before Lych ever got to the castle. The lesser of two evils was the one right in front of him. Link packed up the top of the tree as Unco and Impa just looked at him.

"What in the hell are you doing?"

"It's cool, Impa...all right. Zelda will you please breathe in from this when I tell you?"

Zelda took the mouthpiece (a tree branch) to her lips. Link grabbed some very crude matches from one of the many pouches on his belt. He lit up the top.


Zelda did as she was told, and the smoke hit her hard enough to nearly knock her off the seat.

"Damn, that must be some good shit." Unco took the bong and hit it himself. Impa's eyes were wide open in shock. She had heard of this stuff but had never seen it in action. Link was now taking a hit.

"Holy shit..."

Link finished his hit. "You up?"

"I guess so..."


Two men were holding Tryeon up. The bleeding had stopped, and he was no longer in danger of dying. His army was right behind him. They were at the foot of Death Mountain right below Kakariko Village.

"General, can we get you anything?"

"I'm fine. Just a few flesh wounds."

Tryeon looked at his wounds. The arrow had been pulled from his arm. That didn't really hurt as bad as the slashes in his chest. Those were slowly starting to heal. He pulled the bandages back where they went.

"Sir! News from the Western front!"

Dux and Nabooru, along with those few suvivors, were staggering up towards them.

"WATER! YES!" Nabooru dove right into the stream. Dux knelt down a ways away and got a few handfuls to drink and a couple for his face. Dux looked up at Tryeon, who was holding onto the rail of the stone bridge for support.

"What's up?"

"Jesus, Tryeon, you look like hell." Nabooru popped up from the water and crawled onto shore.

"Damn, man!"

"It's been a rough day." Tryeon sat on the rail.

"Wait until you hear our story!" Nabooru stood beside Dux. "The Gerudo lands are destroyed, my people are dead, and Lych is coming this way to tear the rest of Hyrule to pieces. He was about three hours behind us."

"So we got three hours to fortify that castle?" Tryeon stood up quickly, and regretted it.

"No, we do. You need to rest. You're hurt."

"Fuck that! We got some fightin' to do. EVERYONE, MOVE OUT! CASTLE! DOUBLE TIME!"

Dux and Nabooru shook their head, then turned to their very small band of troops. "Castle." Dux and Nabooru walked behind them, turning to see Tryeon be helped out by two of his men.

"Can he still make it?"

"I've known him for years. Bastard won't quit until he's dead. You know he's only twenty-one."

"Really? Fuck, I'm twenty-eight. Been running the Gerudos since I was twenty."

"I'm twenty-six."

"You're kidding! I could have sworn you were older!"

"I don't know to take that good or bad."

"I like older men, so you do the math."

"Like I said, I don't know."


Link was laying on the floor. Unco and Impa were sipping on small drinks of water playing cards. Zelda was curled up in a ball giggling uncontrollably.

"Heeeeheeeeeheeeeee...so, Leek...uh...lemme get this straight."

Link sighed. "You're going to get your brains fucked out while we get tortured and beheaded."

"Okay, just wanted to get it straight...would I get to be on top?"


Meanwhile, Unco and Impa are talking while playing.

"Two pair."

"Full house."

"You bastard, where'd you get so good?"

"While you spent your working years in a palace, I spent mine in a mountain range full of theives, murderers, rapists, and other dickheads. I learned a few tricks in my day."

"How long have you been a ruler?"

"Fuck...I started when I was nineteen, and I'm fourty-three now...so about twenty-four years."

"That's a long time to be running a country."

"Throw in the fact we fight these kind of wars. You see, I like to think of my country as a prison of sorts. Outcasts who avoid execution or mutilation for their crimes exile to our land, where we take then in, and slowly rework them into decent human beings. You'd be suprised how many so-called criminals really aren't criminals. Does the name Ingo Fatu ring a bell?"

"He's the ranch worker up at Lon Lon."

"Right. Ingo was accused of rape a while back. He avoided the chopping block. We took him in. He said he wanted to go home and prove his innocence. Sure enough, he did just that. However, even though he proved he didn't rape that girl the reputation of being a criminal and a bad man still stood. Talon knew Ingo was innocent, and gave him a chance on the ranch."

"So he got to rebuild his life thanks to you."

"Everyone deserves a second chance."

"What about Lych?"

"Lych had his third, fourth, and fifth chances and he shoved them all right up his mother and father's asses. Lych alledgedly had his own mother killed along with his younger brother because he was afraid that little brother would be the heir to Lachia. Lych and his father fought many times, with swords. Neither could kill the other. Lych's father, King Carlton, could have physically done it but could never live with himself if he had. Finally, Lych came up with a plan. He was the one who forged his father's signature and royal seal in order to declare war on Hyrule and our lands. Lych's plan was that we would defeat Lachia and discard it, and then he would become king. It went perfect: Hyrule did not annex Lachia to its kingdom. So, Lych came out of hiding and pronounced himself king. And now, he's going to tke Hyrule."

"I have one question. Why is he so powerful?"

"You know, I have no idea...the guy's got magic powers that scare me to death. He has some of the powers down: fire, ice, forest, and shadow. Light and spirit are two he cannot master. Still, four out of six without the medallions, that's unbelievable."

"You're not lying."

Link was looking down at his sword. Zelda was somewhat up now.

"Hey Link, let's talk for a while."


"Yeah, since you know, you'll be headless this time tomorrow."

"I shouldn't have done this."

"Well, it's too late now. Tell me about Malon."

"Malon? You mean the fact tomorrow's her birthday?"

"It is?"

"I was going to...well...but it doesn't matter. I'm here and I have a job to do. I don't want to take my mind off of that and fuck up."

"You were going to propose, weren't you?"

Link was shocked. Saria hadn't even known until Link talked to her via ocarina.

"Yeah, Leek. I can tell you like her big time. Just get it over with, marry her, and then bring the kids for me to see time. Well..."


"I'll have kids of my own by then...can't be Lych's sex toy without getting knocked up for long."

Link sighed and leaned back against the window. "I wish you'd knock that shit off."

Commotion was heard. Impa and Lych slid out their swords, as did Link. Zelda, in her stonerific state, went back to the corner and curled up into a ball.

"UNCO! IMPA! LINK! Hide the princess! Get in the dungeon NOW!"


Dux and Nabooru ran up the stairs into the room. Tryeon was hobbling up the best he could, stumbling into the room and falling onto his knees.

"He's hurt. Look, Lych is coming in two hours. He's got us outnumbered by about two to one, not to mention we're in Hyrule's largest city. What the hell we gonna do, Unco?"

"I have no clue. Someone's going to have to kilL Lych."

Link got an idea. "I got an idea."


"I got an idea. I know how to beat Lych."

"No, kid." Unco turned to face Link. "This guy has power. Real power. Power you'll never be able to beat."

"Try me."

"You're only seventeen, what can you do?"

Link turned to Zelda. "Zelda...ZELDA!"

"Huh? Sorry..fell asleep."

"God damn it...she's high, someone get her down."

"I'll get some milk."

"Thanks, Impa. Zelda, I need that Ocarina. And the Spiritual Stones."

"What the hell...oh...OH...AWW! I get it now. They're right over there in that lockbox. The one I threw away the key to."


Dux grabbed a small dagger. "Don't need the key." Nabooru walked over beside him. She stopped him, and then picked the lock in less than five seconds. "Nope. We don't."

Dux looked over at her. "Thanks." He opened the box. Sure enough, there were all three Spiritual Stones and the Ocarina of Time. "Link, you know what you're doing?"


Zelda stood up, her buzz now wearing off thanks to the milk Impa had got her. "Link, why do I have a bad feeling about this?"

"I got to."

"Yeah, but..."

Then it hit both of them. If Link opened the Door of Time and grabbed the Master Sword, Ganondorf would have a wide-open shot at coming back to Hyrule.

"It's a chance we gotta take, Zelda."

Nobody else had a damn clue what they were talking about.

"Okay. Go."

LInk left the room with the Stones and Ocarina in posession.

"I hope to God he knows what he's doing."

Tryeon fell down again. "Fuck..."

Zelda ran over to him. "You okay? Jesus...you're half-dead...come on, I'm taking you down to a medical room." She put his arm over her, and helped him down the stairs.

"We gotta fortify this castle."

"No, the town."

Unco, Impa, Dux, and Nabooru all stood quiet, thinking."

"He's coming from the east, right?"

"I think so...but still...damnit...all right, fortify the outside walls, seal the gate."


The Lachians were tired as they marched towards the castle.

"Commander, the men are exhausted..."

Lych silently continued. "Stop."

The army stopped.

"They might have something of use..."

Lych and his army were right in front of Lon Lon Ranch.
Nine by thecomet
Talon set up outside his window with a crossbow. Malon put the short sword Link gave her two years ago to her side and grabbed a simple bow. Ingo was in the stable with swords and some bombs.

"Those fuckers ain't getting shit!"

Malon REALLY needed her Link now. Part of her was hoping Link would save her like the damsel in distress. But, the real damsel in distress was Princess Zelda. Just thinking about those two together hurt Malon...

ZOOM. Talon fired his crossbow, taking out a soldier. Lych was only sending one unit of fifty men into the ranch. A soldier now had arrow through his chest. Malon went ahead and shot an arrow, piercing a man in the stomach. Talon grabbed his daughter and flung her away from the window. Then he himself got away.

ZOOM. ZOOM. ZOOM. A huge stream of arrows flew up into the window, breaking furniture and pottery as it hit. Malon was thinking to herself that if it hit her bong, she would kill every single one of them. Link made it for her.

ZOOM. Another arrow flew through the window...BOOM.

Ingo had lit a bomb and threw it into the soldiers. Five of them were blown away.

"Hey, this just might work! We could kill them all at this rate..." Talon had once been a castle guard, he knew a little bit about combat.

Talon heard some chatter. A backup unit was coming in. Talon heard them going into the stable.

"Malon, where's Epona and Snowstorm?"

"They're in the field."

"We're going to have to run for it.

Malon only nodded.

"Honey, head for the castle and ride hard. Take Snowstorm..."

"No. I won't leave Epona."

"Fine. I'll take Snowstorm. Don't stop for anyone."

They then heard the front door of the house opened.

"GO! I love you, Malon. NOW GO!"

Malon quickly hugged her father. "I love you too, Daddy."

Malon then ran and jumped through the window. Hanging onto the ledge, she let go, landing on some hay bales. She then rolled to the ground. Peeking around the corner of the house, she heard soldiers fighting her father. She saw then dragging Ingo's dead body out of the stables minus his head. She stopped looking, terrified as she leaned back against the wall.

"Seventy-three horses. Lych should be well-pleased."

"We got both houses clear."

"All three shooters dead?"

"Three? There was one in the stable and one in the bouse!"

"Sir, there was only that man in the house."

"Find the other archer!"

Malon didn't wait. She saw the clear path. She thought to herself, then began to whistle Epona's Song. Epona looked up, and sarted to come over. The guards didn't hear a thing.

"All right, sir. Torch the whole place?"


"Sir, with all due respect, I think this place would be a fine ranch for King Lych."

"I do too, but he'd rather burn it."

"Yes, sir. I need torches! Burn it down, boys!"

Epona was right beside Malon. She brought her finger to her lips, then slowly mounted Epona.

"Girl, let's go see Link. Okay?"

Epona didn't neigh, only nodded slighly.

"But, you gotta jump that fence, okay?"

Epona snorted a little bit. The soldiers caught that.

"What was that?"

"Afa, Calver, go see what that was." The two foot soldiers went out towards the ranch. Malon was long gone, way over the fence and well on her way to the castle, trying to circle around Lych's army. She looked down over the hills to see Lon Lon Ranch burning, with troops standing all around it. Tears flew from her eyes as she high-tailed it to the castle. The drawbridge was barely being lifted when she stormed her horse across it, still riding full-speed. She heard something behind her.

"What the fuck?"

Snowstorm had followed Malon and Epona the whole way, and was now about to pass Malon.

"Good girl! Both of you!"

Up the hill and right to the castle went the two horses, almost without being told.

"Okay, good girl...no...NO!"

Both horses were spring into the castle itself. Epona stopped in the main room, where Link was leaving. Malon was thrown off the right side, ring into Link's waiting arms.

"That's the second time this week I've caught you falling." Link smiled a little bit, which cheered Malon up slightly.

"Link...Dad...the ranch..."

Link didn't say a word, he simply wrapped Malon up in his arms.

"Link, I saw it all. I watched them pull Ingo and Dad..."

"Don't talk about it...just calm down."

"Can you stay with me?"

Link pulled back just enough to look into her eyes. "I have to go do something so I can stop them."

"You? Stop them? Link..."

"Malon, listen to me. I have to tell you something. You won't believe me...so, I want you to come see for yourself, okay?"

Malon nodded.

"You know the legend of the Hero of Time?"

"Yeah, the Spiritual Stones and the Door of Time, the Sacred Realm and the Triforce."

Link got onto Epona, who neighed. Malon got into Snowstorm, who also neighed.

"Let's ride to the Temple of Time. I'll show you and tell you everything."

Malon nodded. Before they left, Link reached over and wiped Malon's eyes.

"Baby, I will never leave your side. Now, let's ride."

"Where's Zelda?"

"She's...a bit..incapicitated."

Link blushed. On the way down, he peeked into the medical room. Zelda had taken care of Tryeon's wounds, as well as some other conditions. "Come on, Mal. We gotta go."
Ten by thecomet
Link and Malon stood hand-in-hand at the altar.

"Now, you put the Spiritual Stones right here...and then you play this song."

Link pulled out the Ocarina of Time. Here he was again...he played the melody. The Door glowed yellow, just as before, and opened.

"Come on."

"Is it...?"

"As long as you stay with me, you have nothing to fear. Let me tell you some history."

"All right."

Link and Malon walked up to the Master Sword.

"You remember Ganondorf, I'm sure. Well, the story with Ganondorf is that he got the Triforce thanks to the childish innocence of Zelda and myself. He destroyed Hyrule. So I took the Master Sword seven years later when I woke up, something to do with me not being old enough. I kicked the shit outta the fucking pig. I got the Triforce of Courage, Zelda the Triforce of Wisdom, and he kept the Triforce of Power. We locked him up in the Sacred Realm, and then I was transported back to when I was ten...the day we met. That was the day I met Zelda as well."

Malon was speechless and silent.

"Come on, there's more. Hold my hand TIGHT."

Link pulled the Master Sword with his free hand.


White. Blank white everywhere. Link and Malon couldn't see anything but white.


"Just walk...it's all solid ground, and we can't get lost." Link and Malon stayed together. The white was broken by a voice.


Link and Malon turned to see Ganondorf Dragmire. He seemed to be sitting in a corner, only there were no visible walls or floor.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

Link looked down at the former King of Evil. He was thin, paler green, and weak.

"I need the Master Sword."

"I know. You're going to save Hyrule...again. But why'd you bring her?"

Ganondorf pointed a bony finger at Malon.

"She deserves to know who I am."

"Yeah, whatever. Fuckin' love, mushy, shit. Hey, kid...kill that mother fucking prick. And maybe...I'll go easy on you and Zelda."

"I will kill him, but not for you."

"Heh heh heh...still pure and holy? I respect that at least you sitck with a side and stay to it. Not Lych...that man has a much blacker heart than I do. Even his own father could not control him. It was so bad, that he sent Lych's baby brother away with the Queen, his own wife, to find him another home. Lych did some backstabbing and got his mom and that kid sent to Hyrule. Once that ship hit shore, it was on...no doubt they got killed in that Unification War."

"What a sad story."

"OH! I remember you...the farm girl! So you're the one the Hero of Time chose to spend his life with or whatever..."

"Hero of Time? Link is the Hero of Time?"

"WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO, FUCKING SING IT FOR YOU? If it wasn't for that asshole, I would still be free and alive! But no, I got about nine hundred and ninety-three more years before I can break this mother fucking seal! You see this white shit? I don't even know where I am! I don't even get the luxury to see the wall, the floor!"

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!" Link interrupted Ganondorf. "You're here because the Sages and the Goddesses thought it was a good fucking idea. I'm just the one whose job was to put you in your place!"

"Get the fuck out of here. If I had some strength, I would just fuck you up right now."

Malon whispered something in Link's ear. Link nodded. Malon then walked over to Ganondorf.

"You mentioned something about Lych having a brother?"


"Who was sent to Hyrule with his mother?"


"During the Unification War?"


Malon turned to Link. "Link, didn't your mother die trying to find you shelter during the Unification War?"

Link slowly realized what the hell was going on.

"Lych is my brother?"

Ganondorf nodded. "Possibility. I mean, you two do look the same."

"How would you know?"

"Lych was born to a woman not the King's wife. That woman was a Gerudo. I traded him a sex slave for a couple of swords. You might recognize them. Nabooru got them when I was locked up here."

"Nice scimitars."

"Blade's too curvy for me."

"Actually, Malon, you would be a very good swordswoman." Link winked.

"Cut the love shit. You got what you came for and got some extra in return."

Link smiled. "You're right. In return..."

Link threw Ganondorf a small bag of weed along with a small one-hitter.

"That's it? Just one fuckin' bag of weed?"

Link nodded.

"Works for me. Go kick ass, you son of a bitch. And next time, don't bring the chick."

"Might come visit ya again...if you promise not to pull any funny shit."

"Heh...do I look like I'm capable of breaking out of here? Besides, you never know...after a thousand years I might start to enjoy it."

Link and Malon looked to each other.

"Link, how the hell do we leave?"

Link brought his Ocarina to his lips as Malon hung tight to him. They left in a flash of light, leaving Ganondorf alone with his weed. Ganondorf packed up a hit.

Eleven by thecomet
Link and his entire crew was walking down Hyrule FIeld with the remaining Hylian armies forming a path for them. On the other side of the field of vision was the remaining Lachian army, with Lych walking through the path.

"Hey Unco. Can I take him?"

"With that sword, hell yes."

"I told you I had a plan."

"I didn't know you were the Hero of Time."

"Neither did I for quite some time."

Everyone stopped. Zelda, Impa, and Unco stood behind Link. Lych's general stood behind him.

"So this is it. One on one for the control of Hyrule." Lych cracked his neck. "So who dies for their country, and who lives to see them die in vain?"

Link stood up. Link had spent years camping, hunting, fishing, lifting firewood, fighting, and doing everything that makes a man more ripped than tiger claws. Yet, Lych removed his armor to show off muscles bigger than anyone had ever seen. His strength was much more than Link's. Link got prepared.

"We shall fight bare handed." Lych assumed a fighting stance.

"Shit, I was afraid of that." Zelda gupled, and Malon held on tightly to Zelda's hand.

Link put his hands up. Lych threw a quick punch. Link barely got his hand up to block it from destroying his face. Lych threw a left into Link's gut. Lych then threw a barrage of punches. Lefts and rights flew faster than Link could stop them. Link finally fell backwards and onto his back. Link saw Lych diving down onto him. Link kicked up, and flipped Lych over. Link rolled over and got to his knees, then to his feet. Lych was already up and throwing a kick to Link. Link grabbed his foot and threw a punch to Lych's knee. Lych fell to one knee and Link tackled him, throwing whatever punches he could.

"And this match has turned into a Pier Six brawl, ladies and gentlemen!"

"Throw a chair into the ring, someone!"

Tryeon looked over at his two soldiers making the commentary. Then he grabbed one of their shields and prepared to toss it over to Link. Only problem was, Lych had Link on the ground. He ran over to Tryeon and grabbed his shield.

"I'll take that."

Lych ran back to hit Link with the shield, but got a suprise.


Link swung the Deku Bong at Lych again, hitting him in the groin for a second time. A third swing made Lych drop the shield and fall to the ground. Link got up to his feet and hit Lych in the temple with the bong one more time. As Lych started to fade, Link held up the bong. The wood had turned to a greenish jewel, glowing with a mysterious green that reminded Link of the woods and forests he had spent all his live living in and exploring.

"Link, finish him off!"

Link grabbed the Master Sword from Malon and handed her the bong. Then he prepared to hit the final strike.


A soldier threw his sword to Lych, who caught it while still on his back. Lych kipped up, leaving Link to stare him down, holding the sword. Lych charged Link, and both men stood still, falling onto one another.


Lych fell to the ground, the Master Sword stuck in his chest. Link pulled back, falling to his knees. He looked up at Lych, and looked back down at his chest. He had been cut, but not deeply. He looked back over at Lych.

"You lose."

The entire Lachian army bowed down to Link as he stood up. The general approached.

"My lord, Lachia is now yours. Allow your servant to crown you."

Link froze in his tracks. All he wanted to do was get the hell out of there, have a nice hot bath, get his chest cleaned up and patched up, eat sone food, and sleep. He was not in the mood to be a king right in the middle of it all.

"Excuse me?"

"But my lord, we go by the law of the warrior. Our greatest among us is our king."

"Just give it to him." Link pointed to Unco.


"You were a great warrior. You are still. You're much more fit to be a ruler than me. I'm just a freakin' kid. Look at me. Seventeen. Who the hell is going to believe I can run a freakin' country at seventeen?" Unco looked shocked.

"Oh, fuck that shit!"

"Darunia, what the hell?"

"Shut your fins or I swear to God..."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Zelda grabbed her head at her temples, ready to squeeze for dear life. Darunia and Ruto shut up for a second. "Link, you realize I'm seventeen and I have to rule Hyrule, right? You know that I have to take over after Daddy died, and now what the hell am i supposed to do? My country is in ruins, Gerudo Valley just got ass raped with an open whiskey bottle, and I planned on making this guy my husband." Zelda pointed over to Tryeon, who was leaning against a pillar.


Link walked out, with Malon following him. Link was leaving the field and walking towards the Kokiri Forest.

"Where are you going?" Link stopped and turned around to face Malon.

"I'm going to the forest and if you want, you can come with me."

"Well, I guess it'll be fun. I smoke weed and play with kids all day. That sounds like the life to me."

"Are you okay? Your dad..."


Malon looked beyond Link. Talon was walking up the dusty path about a hundred yards away. In the distance, you could see that Lon Lon Ranch was burned, but still somewhat standing. Malon took off, running down the path to meet her father. A few Hylian guards ran down alongside her. Link stayed where he was, then turned back for a second to Unco, Zelda, and the Lachian soldier.

"We're going to go rebuild. You guys go do the same." Unco offered Link his hand.

"Great working with ya, kid."

Link shook his hand. "We'll have to visit each other sometime."

"Well, if you ever get the urge, it's not hard to find." Link then walked down the path, half jogging and half running. Epona and Snowstorm followed him, keeping pace easily. Talon appeared to be okay.

"Eh, what's up, kid? Damnit all to hell, I am going to sue someone. Those bastards thought they'd get away with torching our stables! Ah, fuck them, we still got all our cows and our milk and wheat production...see, Malon, everything's okay. How about with you, Link? You feeling all right?"

"Damn, y'all are some optimistic peoples." Link smiled. "But yeah, I guess that everything's all right. The three of us are going to just rebuild..." Link then looked up at the others still trying to sort out who was ruling Lachia, and who was ruling Hyrule.
Twelve by thecomet
"So, the Dark Ones now have a home in Lachia, Lachia and Hyrule are allies, Tryeon and Zelda are engaged, you two as well as us two, everything is back to normal except for the giant wave of dead people, and we now, thanks to Lachia, have a giant supply of marijuana?"

"Basically." Malon was laying on Link, who was laying on a giant couch. Unco, the king of Lachia, was with his queen, Impa, sitting down on another smaller couch across from them. The room appeared to be some kind of a study. Impa and Malon were talking while their men were exchanging pipes and being silent.

"So you didn't agree to this for purely political purpose?"

"Well, on one hand, being queen has its advantages." Impa then grabbed Unco's hand. "But I guess I'm in it for other reasons, too." Unco smiled for a second before Link tapped him with the pipe.

Meanwhile, Tryeon and Zelda were coming down a hallway in Hyrule Castle.

"This kicks so much ass, I LIVE IN this place!" Tryeon was looking around.


"I mean, WE live in this place..."

"Oh hey, sorry to have kept you guys waiting." Zelda rushed down the stairs. Malon stood up and gave Zelda a big hug. Impa and Zelda then hugged before Zelda took a seat. Tryeon sat down beside of Unco and Unco handed him a pipe. Tryeon immediately lit up.

"How's Link doing?" Zelda sat up, leaning towards Malon and Link.

"Yeah, how is ya, boy? Here, hit this...it'll help." Tryeon handed Link his freshly packed piece.

"I'm good...just a little sore, that's all." Link sat up and took a hit. He coughed like crazy and handed it back, his ribs in agony.

"See, it's a pattern. He smokes, so his chest won't hurt, but he coughs so bad his chest hurts worse." Zelda rolled her eyes and gave Link a quick pat on the shoulder. "You've healed a lot for it only being a couple of weeks."

"I'll be okay." Link rubbed his eyes. He had been sleeping at the Castle that past night, as he had some work to do. He had to be in Hyrule Castle Town to get supplies to help rebuild the stables at Lon Lon Ranch, then buy some horses up in the mountains for Talon. Link was living with Talon and his now fiancee Malon in the unharmed ranch house. He helped out with the business, they made money, and all was well. Link still had his old house in the forest still. Saria had the keys to it. It made a hell of a vacation home. But since he knew he'd be by, he knew he'd be at the castle. With Unco and Impa still around, he knew he'd be high as a kite.So he just planned to be there. And this? This was a morning wake and bake.

"So what's up with Dux and Nabooru?" Malon broke the ice and changed conversation topic. Talking about Link's pain probably made it worse. A broken nose, a slash across his ribs...

"They're in the mountains, said they're going to take care of things there. You know, in case anyone actualy wants to stay there."

"Ah, you know there will be a lot more than you think. People want to get away sometimes, and that's the place to do it."

Link stretched out a little bit.

"Well, if everyone's happy, then I think that there's really not much more to do. So is everything going to be all right or what?"

"Yeah, we'll all be alive, and we'll all be taken care of. Only problem is, we all have countries and businesses to run." Unco moved to stand up as well.

"Well, kids, I'm going down to the Market and getting some chicken."

"Hell yeah, so am I! Grab some honey, too!" Tryeon stood up.

"Fuck, get me a beer while you're out." Link laid back down and winked at Malon.

"We'll just stay here...hehehehe..."Malon laughed as she leaned over towards Link.

"Oh hell no, you are not fucking on that couch!" Impa stood up.

"Impa, it's a bit late for that..." Zelda stood up.

"That was yo daddy's couch!" Everyone argued as they left, with Link and Malon left alone in the room together. Malon and Link inch closer and closer, and when the door shuts leaving them in the room alone...

...well, I don't think they would want to be bothered. Would you?

Lachia and Hyrule would prosper for decades to come. Unco and Impa's country, Lachia, became famous for its extremely tough fighters; the toughest being their son, Jude. (And, of course, its killer weed.) Dux and Nabooru founded the Mountain Alliance, which was all the small cities and small towns in the mountains formed together. All in all, about seventy thousand people remained in the mountains, which became a breeding ground for the fine arts. Their sole child, Cole, wrote one of the greatest pieces of literature in ancient history; "The Ballad Of The Wind Fish" was passed down for generations. Hyrule's population increased greatly, and business boomed, making Hyrule one of the wealthiest nations in the world. Tryeon and Zelda would have two children, both were groomed for life in a onarchy government.

Link, Malon, Unco, Impa, Tryeon, Zelda, Dux, and Nabooru all remained friends and potsmokers until their deaths.

And one more thing...


"DAMN IT!" Ganondorf fell to his knees, the packed one-hitter in his hand. Ganondorf sobbed.

"You sick son of a bitch! PLEASE! DIN! GIVE ME FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"

Ganondorf then stood up, and stuck his hands out like a zombie.

"I NEED FIRE! LIGHT ME UP, YOU COCKSUCKING FAERIES! I GOT YA TRIFORCE RIGHT HERE!" Ganondorf grabbed his crotch, looking up. Still nothing but white. No wall, no celing, no floor, just white.

"I'll sing and dance, any song you want! ANY MOTHER FUCKING SONG! I don't care if it's David Bowie! GIVE ME THE WEED!"

Meanwhile, in some other place where it's all white...Din, Farore, and Nauru are floating in the air, a mirror with some white powder, a straw, and a razorblade sit between them.

"So, yeah, totally. I would let Johnny Depp rape me." Farore and Nayru are talking about guys while Din tries to ignore the cries of the Triforce of Power's holder.

"You know who I want to fuck? Randy Orton." Nayru wiped her nose while Farore finishes up a line.

"Shit, girl, please...you want a REAL MAN, baby girl! Here, you need another line, maybe you'll talk some sense then."

"Hey, that motherfucker down there's been crying his eyes out for some fire." Din looked up at her two friends. "He wants fire? Okay." Din looked down and pointed her finger.

Back in Ganondorf's blank white prison, Ganondorf is lit on fire.



Sucks to be him, eh?
This story archived at http://www.kasuto.net/efiction/viewstory.php?sid=1155