Ways to Annoy the Hell Outta Royalty by RavenTay
Summary: Something I just picked up in my mind. It's about how Link and Zelda get tortured and then spit back in the other's faces! Mwahahaha! Spitting back in peoples faces is awesome!!! Anyway, yes, this will probably make you laugh, and possibly disgust you in some other ways... It's also extremely odd... very, very odd...
Categories: Fan Fiction Characters: Zelda, Link (OoT & MM)
Genres: None
Warnings: None
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 2 Completed: Yes Word count: 3248 Read: 11083 Published: Jul 22, 2005 Updated: Jul 24, 2005
Discovering Big Fat Problems by RavenTay
A.N. I decided to do something instead of the usual deep thinking of trying to torture Link, thought of ways how Link, along with Zelda, can torture others, so this popped up…

Do you have guests that you cannot stand for the life of you?
Do you have ones that are spoiled rotten?
Do you have people who are constantly complaining about manners.
If you are not sure, here is an example...


Ways to Annoy the Hell Outta Royalty
Part 1
Discovering Big Fat Problems

Trumpets sounded dramatically through the Great Hall of Hyrule Castle. A woman and a man dressed in the most exquisite clothing, stood at the back of the hall where a large table stood. Two others were walking up to them in a royal manner.

The two standing by the table was a thin couple, both with blonde hair and blue eyes. The lady was dressed in a pink dress with a blue apron decorated with emblems of the Triforce and the red phoenix designed on the front. She held herself gracefully and kindly with a bright smile on her face. Her strawberry blonde hair went down to her back and shined like the sun.

The other was a man dressed in red robes. He was unusually skinny looking and wore a blue tunic underneath the robes, along with white pants, and black boots. His hair was pulled back in a small ponytail, making him look clean, yet still have the air of an adventurer.

Another couple, which was also dressed like royalty walked up to them. They both had brown hair, but the woman, dressed in a blue dress and covered by all assortments of golden jewelry and large amounts of makeup on her face, had brown eyes, while the man, dressed in blue robes that went down to his boots, had green eyes.

What was also noticed that they were unusually, pompous and large. Well… not exactly large as to say tall, but wide. They looked like they didn’t have one day of exercise in their life, and possibly ate a lot of pie… (Mmmm…. Pie!! Ok no more interruptions. Interruptions are evil and bad)

“Zelda,” the large woman smiled as she took out a golden decorated blue fan and began to wave it dramatically with a giggle. She smiled at the skinny girl who immediately found the blue fan unnecessary.

Zelda, now as Queen of Hyrule, Queen of Destiny, and Sage of Time, and Queen/ Sage of everything else that had to bow before her, had found new life after her father’s after marriage of her companion, and was talking, and hoping for peace across the seas around Hyrule.

It seemed to be working out pretty well, until she found this couple a little over the top when they came for a royal banquet.

She looked over to Link, her husband, King who ruled by her side, and bodyguard as well, (but of course undercover since no one knew that he was a skilled fighter as well.)

“Queen Armelle, good to see you,” Zelda greeted her with as much enthusiasm as she could muster.

Unfortunately, this seemed to give Armelle the opportunity and invitation to run up to her and give her a hug, along with a kiss on the cheek. When she was done, Zelda shuddered and wiped the red lipstick off of her cheek in disgust.

What was even worse was that she did the same thing to Link as well. And he swore her hands moved a little too low towards… well…. I think you get the point…

He felt like he was going to be sick. This woman was ten times worse than Ruto.

“King Granville,” Link said with a crack in his voice, recovering from that secret dirty touch of Armelle’s hug.

“A pleasure to see you.”

Granville chucked as he let out his hand that looked almost swollen, it was so fat. Link shook it kindly, noticing how tiny his hands look compared to Granville’s abnormally large ones.

Link looked at both of them and realized how they look similar to balloons with arms, legs, and heads (along with a few extra chins and no neck whatsoever).

“Why don’t we sit down,” Zelda said, gesturing towards the table. Armelle waddled over to the chair closest to the plate of turkey. Granville pulled out her chair for her as Armelle giggled and sat down.

Link cast a warning look to Zelda as they both took their own chairs and sat down. Granville immediately found this somehow as an insult.

“My boy, that’s not the way to treat a lady!”

“What?” Link said, confused.

Granville grew pink in the face and grew stern. “You never allow a lady to sit down in her chair until you pull it out of the table for her. You know this! It’s strict rules in our country!”

“Oh no! it’s fine!” Zelda said immediately.

“This is okay. As long as we’re sitting here now, everything’s fine. It isn’t necessary.”

But this didn’t stop Granville as he roughly dragged Link by his shirt out of his chair and pulled him towards Zelda. Zelda had to grab his arm to stop Link from punching the king in the face right there.

“Just do what they say so we don’t start any wars!” Zelda whispered in his ear. Link put on a frustrated look. Zelda turned over to Granville.

“This isn’t necessary-“

“Nonsense, it’s manners and you must always follow them.”

Link reluctantly pulled out Zelda’s chair as she sat in it once again, shooting a hot glare out at the man before him. He walked back to his chair while Granville did the same, excited to start the meal. He looked like he was trying to jog over to the seat as his eyes went on to the turkey right next to Armelle.

As soon as they sat down, both Armelle and Granville pulled out the two wings of the turkey and started to eat it abnormally fast.

Zelda took a spoonful of salad on her plate and avoided looking at the two royals who sickly began to demolish the food.

Link didn’t touch anything. He was still sick from Armelle’s dirty hug.

Granville then looked up, wiping a piece of corn from his mouth and started to open his mouth, revealing large chunks of corn.

“Mhm hmm mphh…” he said as corn was sprayed into Zelda’s salad and she pushed the plate immediately away from her. Armelle looked up and started talking as well.

“Mhmm hmm hphmmm mm,” she replied. Link and Zelda both shot a confused glance at each other…

This went on for an hour. They kept on talking as Zelda’s plate was almost piled with chunks of spit and food that came out of Granville’s mouth.

Once there was no food left to eat, Granville and Armelle looked over to Zelda and Link.

“We’ve decided that we’ll sign your peace treaty,” Armelle said, batting her eyelashes.

“But first, I want to explore this Hyrule, starting with the castle, so we’ll stay here tonight.”

“Oh we don’t have a lot of rooms,” Zelda started to say.

“Nonsense, there should be plenty of rooms, we’ll sleep in your father’s old room,” Granville interrupted.

Zelda looked like she was going to burst into rage at hearing this. Link frowned. Both of them knew that Zelda was keeping that room safe and clean in honor of her father.

Link decided to try and convince them not to stay, after all, he didn’t want Armelle, who he became suspicious of possibly trying to molest him, to stay in the same castle as him.

“But shouldn’t you get back to your country incase something-“

“Oh they’ll be fine,” Armelle interrupted. “Our son Prince Gregory is highly trained to rule while we’re gone.”

They both frowned. They were caught. If they refused to keep them here, then the peace treaty was off and they would most definitely be sent into war.

But if they stayed, who knew how much torture from these two royals they would have to put up with. And neither of them wanted to put up with Granville’s rants about manners, and Armelle’s wet kisses and hugs (especially Link).

Zelda nodded, still slightly red and regretful. She watched in rage as they walked away and went into her deceased father’s room. Link took Zelda’s hand and dragged her angry, shaking form to their room.

Zelda removed her dress and changed into a nightgown as Link removed his robes and tunic and they both slipped into bed.

Link suddenly got an idea.

“Hey Zelda, what if I told that there might be a way to drive the royals away.”

Zelda looked over to Link. “I don’t care, if it’ll drive them away, then I’ll do it.”


If this is your problem or similar to it, please wait for RavenTay's next chapter to help you out...
This story archived at http://www.kasuto.net/efiction/viewstory.php?sid=2044