Summary: We all know A Link Between Worlds. But guess what? It's insane here! Read of a very dumb Link and his adventures through worlds. Rated PG-13 for language and violence.
Categories: Fan Fiction Characters: Link
Chapters: 10 Completed: No
Word count: 4207 Read: 64539
Published: Apr 15, 2014 Updated: Apr 19, 2014
Link is stupid, Zeda is bisexual, Ravio is money obsessed, and, Hilda is Hilda.
1. A Very Loud Gulley by TheWindAuthor
2. Yuga by TheWindAuthor
3. Weird Rabbits by TheWindAuthor
4. Princess Zelda by TheWindAuthor
5. He Blew up The Eastern Palace by TheWindAuthor
6. I got nothing for this by TheWindAuthor
7. Bakers by TheWindAuthor
8. Battle of Hyrule by TheWindAuthor
9. Am I Dead by TheWindAuthor
10. Hyrulian Earthquakes by TheWindAuthor
A Very Loud Gulley by TheWindAuthor
We discover that Gulley is loud.
A Link Between Worlds A Parody
Chapter 1: A Very Loud Gulley
Lets get somehing straight here. If you are a pacifist or you hate foul language, I recommend you do NOT read this. This was written for entertainment purposes and I do not wish to gain any profit off of this. I do not own The Legend of Zelda or any of it's characters. Enjoy!
Gulley, a little boy disguised as the Blacksmith's son but was actually a terrorist in the making, stormed into Link's house,muttered strange threats about beer and Wreck-It Ralph, picked up Link, and threw him at a cupboard. "WHAT THE FUCK LINK?! I HAVE CHORES IN THE MORNING AND YOU SLEEP IN! GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED OR I'LL BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU!" Gulley screamed so loud so loud it sent a shockwave throughout not only Hyrule but time and space itself. Zelda was quiet. Impa was quiet. Hilda was quiet. Koume and Kotake were quiet. Bowser was quiet. Elsa was sleeping. "Damn, Gulley, what the Hell was that about?" Gulley let out a steam of smoke before talking. "The captain forgot a sword, and if you don't take it to him, Pap said he'll tear out your stomach. For no strange reason, Link was mourning over his now smashed cupboard. "How coul you be so heartless? It was my late wife's last gift to me!" Link sobbed over a broken plate. "You know mariage to cats ain't been made legal till next week!" "But Allyssa was a goldfish! Calling her a cat is a federal ofense!"
" Link, if you on't leave right now, I will let you know more suffering than you've ever known. And besides, since when is calling a goldfish a cat a federal offense?" He was met with no reply, as Link was on his way to Dunkin Donuts before it closed. "I swear I hate that little bitch," Gulley muttered under his breath, putting a sign on the door that read "VACANT." Gulley smiled.
And, that's chapter 1 folks. I forgot to mention I don't own anything other than Zelda.
Sorry for the foul language. I suggest that you are thirteen or older when you read this.
We finally meet Yuga!
Chapter 2: Yuga Author's Note: Five minutes after posting the first chapter, I wasn't up for going to Fanfiction, and I had nothing better to do, so I decided to upload chapter two. Here, we'll fnally progress through the story. I don't own The Legend of Zelda.
Link did not need to find out what heinous threat Gulley would give him. Last time, it was shove his bed up Link's ass. Link knew there was nothing better to do than eat glazd donuts at Dunkin Donuts before it closed. However, after ordering a cup of coffee and donuts, there stood Gulley, holding the Captain's Sword. "Link, take this to the captain before I tear off your balls and make you eat your balls smothered in blood," he growled. In fear, Link grabbed the sword, and ran out the door. He decided to go hide in the Sancuary, where Seres would calm him down and give him donuts. When he arrived... Seres was nowhere to be seen, and Dampe the Gravedigger was furiously banging on the door. Dampe noticed Link out of the corner of his eye, screamed like a little girl, and dropped the key into the sanctuary. Link picked it up, polished it with a rag in his pocket, and got hit in the face by a pancake. "I think Gulley's watching me.
-Back of the Blacksmith's Shop-
"This catapult works great!" Gulley said in satisfaction. He placed an armed grenade onto to the catapult. "Let's hope it assassinates Link," he declared, launching it in the direction of Kakariko Village. -Kakariko-
Everyone looked up to see the explosion in the sky. They ignored it.
Looking around in evident fear, he found Dampe hiding behind a tree. "I'm bored. Do you know where this key goes to?" Link asked, completely unaware i unlocked the seal of tsunamis, toradoes, earthquakes, and disaster. You know, the area resembling Timbuktu. "Gimme that! this unlocks the doors!" Dampe screeched. "Wouldn't it be smarter or uglier tocheck the pockets?"Link asked. "Oh, I'll become the most powerful and famous man in seven years bitch!" "Won't you die of old age or ugliness in seven years?" Link asked. In response, Dampe picked up Link and threw him head first at the doors, breaking the sanctuary in the the process. Link got up saw Seres looking confused and (Dramatic Cliffhanger here) GHIRAHIM?! "Holy Shit, it Ghirahim! Everyone run for your lives!" he screamed before Yuga knocked him out with a frying pan and turned Seres into a painting. "I swear, Lorule needs more smart people. Why can't Hilda be after just the Triforce of Wisdom? Lorulians are as stupid as Hyrulians," he muttered.
And there's another chapter. I was horrified at the spelling mistakes but I took care of them.
Weird Rabbits by TheWindAuthor
We meet Ravio and Princess Zelda
Author's Note: I have way too much free time on my hands, and I'd apprieciate some reviews. As for some bad grammer, I'm normally good at spelling, but when I upload all chapters and get reviews, I'll edit this parody. Enjoy!
Link stirred, and fell on the rug teeth first. "That looked painful, like soup on a stick, someone commented. "You have no idea," Link stammered before looking at the rediculous bunny outfit. "I'm Ravio. Found you mumbling smething about a Ghirahim and fish sticks up your ass. Seemed pretty weird, if you asked me," Ravio explained, uncomfortable with the weird looks from Link. "How did you know this is my house! Wait, you fixed my late wife's gift, right? Please tell me you did!" Link ried . "Say what? There was a sign that read VACANT," Ravio replied. Link's eye twitched at the mention of a VACANT house that was his. He was even more pissed when he saw some old people playing checker and and an artist getting paint all over Allyssa's fish bowl. "GULLEY NELSON RUTHERFORD THE 48 I WILL STICK MAJORA'S MASK UP YOUR ASS!" Link screamed. "THEN I'LL RIP YER EYEBALLS AND DROWN YOU IN YOUR OWN TEARS!" Gulley screamed back from halfway across Hyrule. Flute Boy was quiet. Ingo was quiet Mario was quiet. Igos Du Ikana was quiet. Sven, picking a lock with Kristoff, was quiet. Davy Jones was very loud. Ravio, afraid that this Gulley would tear out his eyeballs, threw a bracelet at Link, and even though Link saw it coming it sent him propellig towards the wall, smashing hs skull and breaking the wall. The old man winning the game of checkers looked up, and went back to the game, which his companion had won. " Dammit bitch," he swore. Link looked up at Ravio and muttered something about Kingdom Hearts and his left hand. "Your paying for my wall and hospital bill!" Link yelled at Ravio.Link decided to report the drunk locals to Princess Zelda when he noticed a weather vane. He saved, and made his way to Hyrule Castle.
I'm wondering if this should be rated R
Princess Zelda by TheWindAuthor
Chapter 4: Princess Zelda Author's Note: My dear readers, I apologize for all the Frozen references. I have watched the movie recently and can't get it out of my head. Also, I'll be updating not because of reviews, but because I'm doing it out of the goodness of my heart. I don't own the Legend of Zelda.
After he was done with his weather vane, Link was ready to report Ravio to Princess Zelda, he needed to take a shit, but after seeing that one of the old women was masturbating with his toilet, he went to go shit in the bushes. After wards, he headed for Hyrule Castle, but noticed the gates were closed. He went to the side of the castle, where he found a Piece of Heart, but no entry. He kicked the wall, and it came toppling down. Sirens blared all over Hyrule as police cars and ambulances rushed towards Hyrule Castle. Link took advanatage of this and climbed up a wall. He noticed that no guards were on duty, and opened a door. The guards in this hall were gone, and also in the main room. He noticed a door with a Triforce mark, decided it was abathroom to wipe his ass, an went through. However... "EEK! How the hell did you get in here?" Zelda yelped when she saw Link. "The guards let me in after I broke a wall," Link declared. Zeld, muttered something about Shigeru Miyamoto and investing in ice, and threw an emerald green pendentat Link, which his nose broke. Link decided to visit his grandpa when he looked outside and saw strippers. "I have sudden urge to go graverobbing!" Link screamed on an unrelated note. A nearby guard grabbed him, attached a latern, and threw him at his grandpa Sarhasla's house, which smashed his computer. "Dammit Link, your granma got this for me. Go get Osfala and tell him he took my sand rod and I want it back," he scolded. "Okee Dokee Gramps," Link replied with a three year old voice. Sarhasla facepalmed and wondered wy his son married a box of markers.
He Blew up The Eastern Palace by TheWindAuthor
Chapter 3: He blew up The Eastern Palace
Author's Note: From here on out, things will become more interesting. Remember, I haven't played this game since March, so I don't remember the dungeons. You'd be shocked at what I have in store :).
Link had sped out of Sarhasla's house, leaving behind a trail of smoke that burnt the entire village in seconds. Link decided to go to the Cucco pe, and after screaming, the Cucco Lady took pity on him, giving him 9999 rupees and a heart container. Link then decided to get Osfala, depite the fact he was a major asshole everyday. And... he bumped into a witch named Irene. "Hiya, I'm Irene! Take this here bell, and don't complain if don't work. I made it in about three minutes," she said, throwing it at his penis. Hard. "WHAT THE FUCK?!" Link screamed, getting hit in the elbow by a bomb. "DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT TAKING MY SCREAMING BLOOD WAVES BITCH!" Gulley screamed a mile away. Sarhasla was quiet. Yuga was quiet. Midna was quiet. Demise was quiet. Fix-It Felix, athis wedding, was quiet. Hans was kssing a crown. Link picked up the bomb whic had not blown up yet. "We're off to see Ghirahim!" Link exclaimed happily, having no memory of what happened at the Sanctuary. He sped off to the Eatern Palace, and...bumped into a gate. Link screamed, noticed Ravio packing up his equipment, and You could swear you saw the gears turning in his head. "GIMME YER EQUIPMENT!" Link screeched.
"Augh, I swear to Hell, I didn't convert your house into a Community Center!" Ravio screamed begging for mercy. Link's eye twitched. "OH THAT'S IT! PREPARE TO DIE!" Link screeched like a maniac, pulling out a electric saw. Another bomb hit him in the eye. Link polished it and placed it next to the other bomb. Ravio had already left, and dropped his equipment. He pulled out the money for the items, put it in an envelope.and sent to his house. Link noticed the switches, looked at his arrows, and Irne facepalmed. "Allow me to take you to the Eastern Palace before a map and banana juice start making out," Irene said, lowering her broom. "What the Hell was that abot?" Link demanded coldly. Irene ignored him. He saw Osfala, and a swearing contest began that took so long I won't add it in here. Osfala trampled Link, nd Link glanced at his bombs and threw them inside. The catch? The palace blew up, revealing Osfala as a painting and Yuga. Yuga screamed and shot magic in random directions, throwing Link towards a rock, turning him into a painting and taking off before Link got out and showed off more stupidity. Hours later, Sarhasla came by, tapped Link, and told him, Hyrule Castle was on HOLY SHIT, Fire! Sarhasla smiled, knowing Link would get killed.
And, I'm thinking of changing the rating. And, most of this doesn't even make sense or follow most of the plot.
I got nothing for this by TheWindAuthor
Chapter 6: I got nothing for this
A/N: To be honest, I had no idea what to call this chapter. Remember, I can see the amount of readers, but I'd appriciate at least one review. Enjoy!
Link, realizing he forgot the Heart Container at the Eastern Palace, hurried back, and noticed a Hinox had set up a hot dog vendor. "Oi, you want a hot dog? It is for assholes only!" it asked with a thick Russian accent. "Hmm, is it for DAP, Dumb and Proud?" Link asked curiously.
-In the Sacred Realm-
"Oi, your plan to kill that dumbass with a hot dog failed," Farore reported to her fellow goddesses. "Well fuck that, I'm da onewith POWER!" Din screeched. "Whatever, I'm going to talk with Uryan," Nayru muttered.
-Back with our 'Hero'-
Link stabbed the Hinox when it muttered something about Gameboy Colors and Link's mommy. "Nobody offends my mommy! She was a box of crayons for the Love of Fucking Din!" Link screamed. A lightning bolt struck him. Link stormd off, when he realized that the gate to the palace was shut and the switch was on the complete other side. Irene, noticing Link, picked him up and threw him at the Sanctuary, wherehe smashed into the Priest. " What the fucking hell was that about bitch?!" the Priest screamed, grabbing a hackshaw and chasing Link to Rosso's house. Once Link was inside..."HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE?! THIS IS AN OCCUPIED BATHROOM BITCH!" Gulley screamed, holding a newspaper in front of him. Syrup was silent. The weird scientist guy was quiet. Din was quiet. Gyorg was quiet. Skull Kid was quiet. We all were quiet. "I thought this was Rosso's house," Link said. "Yah, I converted it into a bathroom last week after I finished a hut up there," Rosso said, appearing in the doorway. "Up where?" Link asked. Rosso facepalmed. "Death Mountain, dammit!" Rosso screamed. "Where will you get yur groceries? It's a forty minute walk down the mountain, and there aren't any supermarkets up there," Link pointed out. He was met wih silence. "Gulley, get out of here! I'm reclaiming my house-" Rosso began. "THROUGH A GODDAMN LAWSUIT!" Glley screamed before storming off . Link left, and Irene, who had been hired to make sure the kid got the pendants, threw him up the Tower of Hera. Link landed in front of Moldorm, and a lightbulb flickered in his head before burning out. "I JUST REALIZED HOW HUNGRY I AM!" Link screeched, devouring the boss in seconds, leaving a Heart Container and the Pendant of Power. Link grabbed the pendant, polished it with a rag, and...plummeted down the tower.
I hope you enjoyed. This writing business is hard.
Chapter 7: Bakers
Author's Note: This will be more interesting. Please review.
Upon Link plummeting down the Tower of Hera, he landed right in front of the Sanctuary...on Dampe's head. "WHAT THE HELL BITCH?!" Dampe screamed, throwing him at the river. Link groaned, and decided to use the bell Irene gave him. Remember when Irene said she threw it together in three minutes? "Augh! That thing sounds horrible!" Irene screamed. She picked him up and threw him at his home, now converted into a community center. When Link stepped inside, there was an argument over wives and coffee. "I'm telling you Jez, she was never your goddamn wife! You know marriage to beer ain't been made legal till next week!" one man screamed at another man. "Hur, your such a moron! I'm gonna create an order called... the Jedi Order!" Jez screamed at Hur. "You do that, I'm gonnacreate a Sith Order!" Hur screamed at Jez. They both stormed off, and thats how the the Jedi Order and Sith Order was created. Link saw Ravio holding a green rod, took it, and stormed off to his grandma Syrup's house near Zora's Domain. He sampled a red potion, and went to cliff when he noticed a Zora. "Hey shortie, can't swim?" Link taunted. "SON OF A BITCH!" it screamed, throwing him at Zora's Domain. "Shit, I threw him and I can't swim," the Zora muttered. Meanwhile, Link knocked into a shaggy looking guy, whick resulted in the guy losing a golden scale. Link grabbed it, poked the guy with a red rupee, and decided to visit Zora's Domain Gift Shop. However, Queen Oren's advisor was searching for said golden scale, and once he saw Link with it, he dialed Zora11, and Link was thrown in prison once the police arrived. They were going to make him stare at the Great Fairy, but she decided to put on a Kokiri dress, making a nudity punishment not the best. Link slouched against the wall, and a nearby Zora screamed, for Link had disappeared. Taking advantage of this, he slid through the bars, and escaped Zora's Domain. He took a second to compose himself, but Irene, who had revealed to love child abuse, picked him up,and threw him at the bakery. Link walked inside, and smelled the pies and cookies baking. "Gimme yer cookies!" Link demanded like a child. Oh wait, he is a child. "We can't sell these!" the boss of this dungeon cried. "COOOOOKKKKKIIIEEEEEESSSSSSS!"Link screeched like a maniac. The boss threw a Heart Container and the Pendant of Wisdom with a couple of cookies at him. "Now leave us alone!" the boss screamed. Link exited whensuddenly, he found himself in front of the Master Sword. He climbed up the pedestal and.....................................................................................................................................the sword didn't budge. "Aha, an electric cord! The goddesses are clever," Link observed.
-In the Sacred Realm-
"Oi, our plan with the cord failed," Farore reported. Din held up the symbol of fire tornadoes and disaster, otherwise known as the middle finger of God. "Stop acting like a bitch, Din!" Nayru complained. "And Farore, that goddamn Russian accent is getting on my fucking nerves!" Nayru snapped at Farore. Meanwhile, the chapter ended.
Yeah, I'm losing motivation.
Battle of Hyrule by TheWindAuthor
Chapter 8: Battle of Hyrule
A/N: We'll finally be crossing into Lorule! Enjoy!
Link plugged in the cord, to which the goddesses left a note saying to unplug the pedestal when he put back the Master Sword. Link grasped the blue hilt of the sacred sword, and pulled. The pendants flew to their respective slots, and the Pendant of Wisdom could be heard muttering "asshole" to Link. Link left the meadow, and found a shitload of ghosts not happy at all. "You bitch, how the Hell did you get into the Sword Grove without coming here first?" one screamed. Link didn't answer, so they threw him at the beginning of the Lost Woods. Link hit a tree, and was out for several hours. When he woke up, he noticed that half his rupees were gone. He did a couple of impossible stretches, which resulted in breaking his arms. Loud CRACKS could be heard all the way to Kakariko. Link winced in pain every time he took a step, and attempted to stick up his middle finger at the goddesses. He managed to do so, and was struck by lightning bolts, remaining unconcious for five hours.
-Five Hours Later-
Link woke up to find himself in a hospital, with a fairy healing his arms. He got out of bed, ate the bread he was given, and headed for Hyrule Castle. On his way, he stopped by he community center, and saw Ravio investing in comics and films made in 1977. Link purchased a film called Kick-Ass, and decided Ravio was stupid as the film was not made in 1977. He noticed that Hur's JediKnights were fighting Sith Lords. Jez whispered something to his Second in Command, SIC nodded, and they disappeared. Hur and his entourage disappeared as well, stating they were going to kick Sith Ass. Link left, crawled to Hyrule Castle, and noticed that some men were drinking tea. Link used his Hookshit to get to door above the entrance. He opened the door, and notice a portal. He went through the portal, and went into the room he saw. There was nothing but pillars, so he pulled out spray paint. Some measly ten hours later, Link wokeup, hearing footsteps, and noticing Yuga. "Augh, how the Hell did you escape? Never mind that, I'm Yuga for goddamn sakes, not Ghirahim!" Yuga screamed. Link digested this information, and a smile appeared on his face. "Oh, hi I'm Link! Do you want to be my friend and have a sleepover?" Link introduced himself. Yuga thought for a moment when he realized that Link had spray painted 'GHIRAHIM SUCKZ HIZ BALLZ.' "SON OF A BITCH! PREPARE TO DIE!" Yuga screamed, summoning a ball of dark energy. Link whipped out the bow and shot an arrow at Yuga's stomach. Yuga fled, and Link followed. When Link reached an office, which he surmised was Chancellor Cole's office, he noticed a crack, and merged nto the wall, and slipped into the crack. Link grew dizzy, and eventually vomited in the fabric of the universe. He eventually landed in a room similar to the Chancellor's office, and saw Yuga fleeing.
That's Chapter eight. Until next time!
Am I Dead by TheWindAuthor
Chapter 9: Am I Dead?
A/N: I'm really gonna murder myself. First my tablet acts up (yes, I don't own a computer) and my car just broke, so I have to take it to a mechanic. Also, my husband began to abuse our only son. Enjoy. :(
Disclaimer: This morning, I had actually morphed into Shigeru Miyamoto! What the Hell, I don't own the Legend of Zelda.
Yuga was desperate to get these portrais of the Sages and Princess Zelda to Her Grace, Princess Hilda. However, he tripped over a railing, and had to climb up the walls, as Princess Hilda hadlocked the front doors and Yuga didn't have the house keys. When he got back to where he tripped, he noticed Link. "Not one word, bitch," Yuga growled at Link who was trying to hold in his laughter. Link finally laughed, and Yuga threw him off the balcony, only where there was no ground, as Lorule was decaying after it forgot to brush it's teeth after it's Triforce exploded into sugar. Hild grabbed Link, sent him to the Gap Between Dimension, and turned to face Yuga. "Yuga, I commend you for gathering the Sages of Hyrule. Although we need that asshole you dropped into the abyss," Hilda complimented Yuga. Yuga's eyes grew horrified when he found out the bitch who called him Ghirahim was te key to Lorule's smart population. "Holy shit, how I supposed to know that?" Yuga stammered. Hilda facepalmed. "It was in the guidebook, dammit!" Hilda yelled at Yuga.Hilda shoved Yuga into a room, where he morphed into Ganon, and accidently dropped the paintings, which viciously mauled him. Meanwhile...Hilda had come to Link. "Ugh, where the Hell am I? Wait, am I dead? If I am, tell where Allyssa is!" Link cried out. "Yes, you died. And I'm afraid that Allyssa's essence never made it to Heaven," Hilda falsely assured the Hero. She was met with silence "I'M ACTUALLY DEAD?! DAMMIT! I NEVER GOT TO VIEW PORN!" Link screamed.
"Actually, I'm just messin' with ya. Your in the Gap Between Dimensions-" Hilda started, but a portrait of Gulley zipped by. Link could've sworn he saw Gulley holding up the middle finger. "Just go gather up the paintings," Hilda muttered. "But Gulley scares me," Link complained in a littl kid's voice. "GO DO IT, DAMMIT!" Hilda screamed before sending Link to Lorule's Blacksmith.
Hahahaha! That was probably my funniest chater in my opinion.
Hyrulian Earthquakes by TheWindAuthor
Chapter 10: Hyrulian Earthquakes
A/N: I won't be able to update for a while, so don't yell at me for how long this chapter is.
Link woke up to find himself drenched in water, and a woman who looked pissed. "Seem's you woke up. You can suffer in Hell for all I care," he woman remarked. Link noticed that she spoke with a British accent. "Thanks! Here's my membership card for DAP!" Link said cheerfully. "GET OUT YOU BLOODY SON OF A BITCH!" the woman screamed. "You remind me of someon I know, only he's more threatening."
-Dark Palace, Boss Chambers-
Gulley felt an odd sense of accomplishment.
The Blacksmith grabbed Link b the ear, pulled out an Italian machine gun, and shot Link. He tossed a dead Link outside, and a wandering Great Fairy who happened to be a professional nudist, revived Link. Link noticed a nearby crack, merged into the wall, and BAM! He was back in Hyrule. The catch? He killed Sarhasla, the nude Great Fairy revived him, and the screamed, making the tectonic plates move and destroy half of Hyrule. (Lorule had no tectonic plates.) The nude fairy rubbed her ear, stormed off, and muttered something about childbirth and Hangman.
Sorry for the short chapter. I had very little time to complete this chapter, which was intended to be longer. I also won't update for a couple of weeks.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.