Ways to Annoy the Hell Outta Royalty by RavenTay
Summary: Something I just picked up in my mind. It's about how Link and Zelda get tortured and then spit back in the other's faces! Mwahahaha! Spitting back in peoples faces is awesome!!! Anyway, yes, this will probably make you laugh, and possibly disgust you in some other ways... It's also extremely odd... very, very odd...
Categories: Fan Fiction Characters: Zelda, Link (OoT & MM)
Genres: None
Warnings: None
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 2 Completed: Yes Word count: 3248 Read: 16712 Published: Jul 22, 2005 Updated: Jul 24, 2005
The Solution by RavenTay
If you do find that the last chapter has made you realize that you have the same, or similar problems, it is suggested that you read these examples, which are wonderful ways to get annoying guests out of your home....

Part 2
The Solution

The sun rose, lighting up the sky into one of the rooms in the castle. It peeked through the windows where two abnormally large people slept.

Armelle was the first to wake up and stretched her flabby arms and wiped the mascara off of her face and slipped out of her sheets and pulled cucumbers and a type of green goo and started to walk towards the bathroom, until there suddenly was a loud yell coming out of her room.


Armelle heard a shout that shocked her, but what was worse was the fact that she could hear a large boom echoing through the halls, hurting her ears, and making her husband topple off the bed at the noise. He made a groan before Armelle heard him make a large snort and went back to sleep.

She opened the door to meet her entire face with dust, which she coughed at and tried to push it away like she was swatting an annoying fly.

When Armelle was done trying to swat away the dust from her face, there she saw Link and Zelda standing there watching the scene with smiles on their faces.

And Armelle was horrified by what they were wearing…

Even though they were sent back in time, Link and Zelda still had the same clothing they used during the Imprisoning War where Link fought Ganondorf. They didn’t wash it in memory of the events, and due to that they wore it proudly today, and it wasn’t a pleasant sight to see.

Link had on his trademark green tunic, which was actually green, but stained black and red from both his own and hundreds of monster’s blood. Other parts of his tunic were pitch black due to some serious burns. The tunic was also ripped and frayed in hundreds on places on his tunic that it looked a lot like just simple rags that a peasant would wear. It also looked like under the bloodstained hat was a huge amount of knots and mats in his straw blonde mess.

Zelda was also just as bad. She wore her tight sheikah suit without the facemask or turban, which had just as many rips in it as Link, along with some bloodstains, and her hair was just as bad as Link’s. The bandages around her arms, fingers, and other places were stained red and frayed as well.

Armelle looked at them and was speechless for minute, before catching herself.

“What the…”

She put her hand up to her mouth.

Link and Zelda turned to her with an incredulous look.

“What?” they both asked.

“You! You in those,” she stopped herself. “And what is this?”

“Redecorating,” Link answered for her. “Like it?”

Armelle looked at the piles of brick marble and dust all over the floor in disgust.

“Army what…” (Army is Granville’s little pet name for Armelle if you’re wondering)

Granville peeked out of the door to see Link and Zelda and became shocked.

“What! Why are you wearing these rags? Have you no respect?”

Link and Zelda glared at him.

“Actually, Link happened to be the Hero of Time and fought for our country at its worst time when Ganondorf took over. It’s the anniversary of the defeat of Ganon, and were paying our respects by wearing the clothes we had seven years ago,” Zelda snapped. Link smiled at her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, reassuring her that she was doing great.

“Well, maybe you should get dressed, so you can have a tour of the castle,” Link said. “I’d give you the tour, but we’re both busy right now, so I’ll give the tour job to one of my good friends.”

He gestured towards a small bright light that flew right up to Armelle and Granvelle and with the most piercing and loud voice shouted something very recognizable.


“Meet Navi,” Link said, as the couple recovered from the piercing voice of Navi that almost screamed in their delicate and already hurting ears.


Link was enjoying this very much. “Well, you better get changed, Navi is very impatient.”


Both Granville and Armelle went back inside, speechless about what was going on in this castle. They expected it to be some sort of vacation for them, but they were definitely wrong.

They then walked out, flinching every time there was a large boom echoing through the halls, and whenever Navi wanted to get their attention b shouting as loud as she could.

Link and Zelda watched with large smiles on their faces.

“This is what Navi is used for,” Link grinned. Zelda nodded.

“Can’t wait for breakfast,” Zelda said.

Zelda and Link walked down to the dining room and waited until Navi came zooming it, shouting a bunch of swearwords and complaining about how they should hurry up.

And after that, the two breathless royals walked into the room, panting and sweating. Zelda walked over to Link’s chair and pulled it out for him.

“Here you go Link,” she said, watching Granville in the corner of her eye, who was furiously insulted by this, but seemed too exhausted to even complain. He sat down with a smirk as Zelda walked over to her table.

Link and Zelda watched as a group of waiters walked by to each seat and asked what they want for breakfast. Link smiled proudly and looked up at his waiter.

“Yes do you have any ‘live food???’” asked Link loudly enough for it to get Granville and Armelle’s attention.

“Yes sir,” the waiter said. Link then gestured him forwards and whispered in his ear.

“Bring out the snake,” he whispered. The waiter nodded and walked away, along with all the others.

They waited patiently for the food to arrive. Unfortunately it didn’t come. At least not for an hour or so.

“What is taking them so long?” Granville shouted angrily. Zelda frowned.

“Oh I’m sure they’ll get here soon,” Zelda said. Link nodded.

“I’ll go check to see how they’re doing.”

Link walked into the kitchens and walked over to the cooks.

“You’ve got it ready?”

The cook nodded holding out a large steel covered plate. Link walked back out of the kitchens.

“They’re almost done,” Link replied.

The doors opened as two waiters carried a plate covered by steel (and covered tightly for that matter), and set the plate in front of Link.

He smiled and picked up a fork ready to eat. The waiter then removed the steel covering, revealing a large black cobra. A live large black cobra…

Armelle screeched in fright at the monster as the snake slid onto the table and towards her. She screamed and dashed out of the room along with Granville, whose eyes popped out at the sight of the cobra.

Zelda smiled. “Navi why don’t you follow them so they don’t get lost.”

The fairy nodded and flew out of the room leaving Zelda and Link with the snake. Link picked the snake up by the tail and watched as the couple disappeared, jogging through the hallways with Navi at their toes screaming at them.

Link then gently put the snake on the ground and watched as it went through the next room.

After a while the couple settled down and were forced back to touring the castle with Navi, while putting up with the explosions that were randomly set up by Link and Zelda, and a few other guards who were very happy to cause some excitement and chaos in the peaceful place.

Until Navi flew next to the room where Link and Zelda watched the cobra slide into.

“Uh… is this door open,” she wondered and pushed against the door that slid open easily.

“And here is another room, possibly for the head chef of course!” Navi said as they walked into the room.

Another scream echoed throughout the room and the castle as Armelle spotted the black cobra next to the bed stand.

Zelda rushed in with a smile.

“That’s where the little snake has been,” she said with a smile and picked it up by the tail. She showed it to the already horrified couple.

“Want to pet it?” she asked with a smirk. Armelle dashed out of the room with Granville at her toes. Zelda grinned and had to shove her fist into her mouth to stop herself from laughing. Although Navi didn’t have fists, she was putting up just as much of a fight as Zelda was.

Zelda freed the snake to allow it to roam through the gardens and out of the castle and walked back over to where Link was at the exit of the castle. He watched as both Armelle and Granville waddled over to them with fancy traveling cloaks and large bags.

“We did it,” Link whispered.

“The treaty is signed, the tour of Hyrule is off though,” Granville added. “Good day.”

He said this sternly with a very purple face. Armelle was about to give them another hug, but much to Link and Zelda’s relief (especially Link’s) she looked at their bloodstained clothes and just walked past them with a heated glare.

They walked up to their carriage and Armelle’s eyes once again found the escaping snake, and with a loud shriek, she dashed into the carriage and insisted that they hurry up. Granville entered the carriage and they were out of sight in a few minutes.

Link and Zelda grabbed each others hands and smiled at each other, happy that the two were finally gone.

So Here's the 5 Steps to Drive People Away...

1. Redecorate

2. Wear the crappiest clothes

3. Get Navi

4. Prolong meals as long as possible

5. Involve snakes

^.^ Hope u enjoyed this, since it actually was, based completely off of me... Yep all my ideas, all describe what I do in my spare time, lol... ^.^
This story archived at http://www.kasuto.net/efiction/viewstory.php?sid=2044