Ways to Annoy the Hell Outta Royalty by RavenTay
Summary: Something I just picked up in my mind. It's about how Link and Zelda get tortured and then spit back in the other's faces! Mwahahaha! Spitting back in peoples faces is awesome!!! Anyway, yes, this will probably make you laugh, and possibly disgust you in some other ways... It's also extremely odd... very, very odd...
Categories: Fan Fiction Characters: Zelda, Link (OoT & MM)
Genres: None
Warnings: None
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 2 Completed: Yes Word count: 3248 Read: 14825 Published: Jul 22, 2005 Updated: Jul 24, 2005

1. Discovering Big Fat Problems by RavenTay

2. The Solution by RavenTay

Discovering Big Fat Problems by RavenTay
A.N. I decided to do something instead of the usual deep thinking of trying to torture Link, thought of ways how Link, along with Zelda, can torture others, so this popped up…

Do you have guests that you cannot stand for the life of you?
Do you have ones that are spoiled rotten?
Do you have people who are constantly complaining about manners.
If you are not sure, here is an example...

Ways to Annoy the Hell Outta Royalty
Part 1
Discovering Big Fat Problems

Trumpets sounded dramatically through the Great Hall of Hyrule Castle. A woman and a man dressed in the most exquisite clothing, stood at the back of the hall where a large table stood. Two others were walking up to them in a royal manner.

The two standing by the table was a thin couple, both with blonde hair and blue eyes. The lady was dressed in a pink dress with a blue apron decorated with emblems of the Triforce and the red phoenix designed on the front. She held herself gracefully and kindly with a bright smile on her face. Her strawberry blonde hair went down to her back and shined like the sun.

The other was a man dressed in red robes. He was unusually skinny looking and wore a blue tunic underneath the robes, along with white pants, and black boots. His hair was pulled back in a small ponytail, making him look clean, yet still have the air of an adventurer.

Another couple, which was also dressed like royalty walked up to them. They both had brown hair, but the woman, dressed in a blue dress and covered by all assortments of golden jewelry and large amounts of makeup on her face, had brown eyes, while the man, dressed in blue robes that went down to his boots, had green eyes.

What was also noticed that they were unusually, pompous and large. Well… not exactly large as to say tall, but wide. They looked like they didn’t have one day of exercise in their life, and possibly ate a lot of pie… (Mmmm…. Pie!! Ok no more interruptions. Interruptions are evil and bad)

“Zelda,” the large woman smiled as she took out a golden decorated blue fan and began to wave it dramatically with a giggle. She smiled at the skinny girl who immediately found the blue fan unnecessary.

Zelda, now as Queen of Hyrule, Queen of Destiny, and Sage of Time, and Queen/ Sage of everything else that had to bow before her, had found new life after her father’s after marriage of her companion, and was talking, and hoping for peace across the seas around Hyrule.

It seemed to be working out pretty well, until she found this couple a little over the top when they came for a royal banquet.

She looked over to Link, her husband, King who ruled by her side, and bodyguard as well, (but of course undercover since no one knew that he was a skilled fighter as well.)

“Queen Armelle, good to see you,” Zelda greeted her with as much enthusiasm as she could muster.

Unfortunately, this seemed to give Armelle the opportunity and invitation to run up to her and give her a hug, along with a kiss on the cheek. When she was done, Zelda shuddered and wiped the red lipstick off of her cheek in disgust.

What was even worse was that she did the same thing to Link as well. And he swore her hands moved a little too low towards… well…. I think you get the point…

He felt like he was going to be sick. This woman was ten times worse than Ruto.

“King Granville,” Link said with a crack in his voice, recovering from that secret dirty touch of Armelle’s hug.

“A pleasure to see you.”

Granville chucked as he let out his hand that looked almost swollen, it was so fat. Link shook it kindly, noticing how tiny his hands look compared to Granville’s abnormally large ones.

Link looked at both of them and realized how they look similar to balloons with arms, legs, and heads (along with a few extra chins and no neck whatsoever).

“Why don’t we sit down,” Zelda said, gesturing towards the table. Armelle waddled over to the chair closest to the plate of turkey. Granville pulled out her chair for her as Armelle giggled and sat down.

Link cast a warning look to Zelda as they both took their own chairs and sat down. Granville immediately found this somehow as an insult.

“My boy, that’s not the way to treat a lady!”

“What?” Link said, confused.

Granville grew pink in the face and grew stern. “You never allow a lady to sit down in her chair until you pull it out of the table for her. You know this! It’s strict rules in our country!”

“Oh no! it’s fine!” Zelda said immediately.

“This is okay. As long as we’re sitting here now, everything’s fine. It isn’t necessary.”

But this didn’t stop Granville as he roughly dragged Link by his shirt out of his chair and pulled him towards Zelda. Zelda had to grab his arm to stop Link from punching the king in the face right there.

“Just do what they say so we don’t start any wars!” Zelda whispered in his ear. Link put on a frustrated look. Zelda turned over to Granville.

“This isn’t necessary-“

“Nonsense, it’s manners and you must always follow them.”

Link reluctantly pulled out Zelda’s chair as she sat in it once again, shooting a hot glare out at the man before him. He walked back to his chair while Granville did the same, excited to start the meal. He looked like he was trying to jog over to the seat as his eyes went on to the turkey right next to Armelle.

As soon as they sat down, both Armelle and Granville pulled out the two wings of the turkey and started to eat it abnormally fast.

Zelda took a spoonful of salad on her plate and avoided looking at the two royals who sickly began to demolish the food.

Link didn’t touch anything. He was still sick from Armelle’s dirty hug.

Granville then looked up, wiping a piece of corn from his mouth and started to open his mouth, revealing large chunks of corn.

“Mhm hmm mphh…” he said as corn was sprayed into Zelda’s salad and she pushed the plate immediately away from her. Armelle looked up and started talking as well.

“Mhmm hmm hphmmm mm,” she replied. Link and Zelda both shot a confused glance at each other…

This went on for an hour. They kept on talking as Zelda’s plate was almost piled with chunks of spit and food that came out of Granville’s mouth.

Once there was no food left to eat, Granville and Armelle looked over to Zelda and Link.

“We’ve decided that we’ll sign your peace treaty,” Armelle said, batting her eyelashes.

“But first, I want to explore this Hyrule, starting with the castle, so we’ll stay here tonight.”

“Oh we don’t have a lot of rooms,” Zelda started to say.

“Nonsense, there should be plenty of rooms, we’ll sleep in your father’s old room,” Granville interrupted.

Zelda looked like she was going to burst into rage at hearing this. Link frowned. Both of them knew that Zelda was keeping that room safe and clean in honor of her father.

Link decided to try and convince them not to stay, after all, he didn’t want Armelle, who he became suspicious of possibly trying to molest him, to stay in the same castle as him.

“But shouldn’t you get back to your country incase something-“

“Oh they’ll be fine,” Armelle interrupted. “Our son Prince Gregory is highly trained to rule while we’re gone.”

They both frowned. They were caught. If they refused to keep them here, then the peace treaty was off and they would most definitely be sent into war.

But if they stayed, who knew how much torture from these two royals they would have to put up with. And neither of them wanted to put up with Granville’s rants about manners, and Armelle’s wet kisses and hugs (especially Link).

Zelda nodded, still slightly red and regretful. She watched in rage as they walked away and went into her deceased father’s room. Link took Zelda’s hand and dragged her angry, shaking form to their room.

Zelda removed her dress and changed into a nightgown as Link removed his robes and tunic and they both slipped into bed.

Link suddenly got an idea.

“Hey Zelda, what if I told that there might be a way to drive the royals away.”

Zelda looked over to Link. “I don’t care, if it’ll drive them away, then I’ll do it.”

If this is your problem or similar to it, please wait for RavenTay's next chapter to help you out...
The Solution by RavenTay
If you do find that the last chapter has made you realize that you have the same, or similar problems, it is suggested that you read these examples, which are wonderful ways to get annoying guests out of your home....

Part 2
The Solution

The sun rose, lighting up the sky into one of the rooms in the castle. It peeked through the windows where two abnormally large people slept.

Armelle was the first to wake up and stretched her flabby arms and wiped the mascara off of her face and slipped out of her sheets and pulled cucumbers and a type of green goo and started to walk towards the bathroom, until there suddenly was a loud yell coming out of her room.


Armelle heard a shout that shocked her, but what was worse was the fact that she could hear a large boom echoing through the halls, hurting her ears, and making her husband topple off the bed at the noise. He made a groan before Armelle heard him make a large snort and went back to sleep.

She opened the door to meet her entire face with dust, which she coughed at and tried to push it away like she was swatting an annoying fly.

When Armelle was done trying to swat away the dust from her face, there she saw Link and Zelda standing there watching the scene with smiles on their faces.

And Armelle was horrified by what they were wearing…

Even though they were sent back in time, Link and Zelda still had the same clothing they used during the Imprisoning War where Link fought Ganondorf. They didn’t wash it in memory of the events, and due to that they wore it proudly today, and it wasn’t a pleasant sight to see.

Link had on his trademark green tunic, which was actually green, but stained black and red from both his own and hundreds of monster’s blood. Other parts of his tunic were pitch black due to some serious burns. The tunic was also ripped and frayed in hundreds on places on his tunic that it looked a lot like just simple rags that a peasant would wear. It also looked like under the bloodstained hat was a huge amount of knots and mats in his straw blonde mess.

Zelda was also just as bad. She wore her tight sheikah suit without the facemask or turban, which had just as many rips in it as Link, along with some bloodstains, and her hair was just as bad as Link’s. The bandages around her arms, fingers, and other places were stained red and frayed as well.

Armelle looked at them and was speechless for minute, before catching herself.

“What the…”

She put her hand up to her mouth.

Link and Zelda turned to her with an incredulous look.

“What?” they both asked.

“You! You in those,” she stopped herself. “And what is this?”

“Redecorating,” Link answered for her. “Like it?”

Armelle looked at the piles of brick marble and dust all over the floor in disgust.

“Army what…” (Army is Granville’s little pet name for Armelle if you’re wondering)

Granville peeked out of the door to see Link and Zelda and became shocked.

“What! Why are you wearing these rags? Have you no respect?”

Link and Zelda glared at him.

“Actually, Link happened to be the Hero of Time and fought for our country at its worst time when Ganondorf took over. It’s the anniversary of the defeat of Ganon, and were paying our respects by wearing the clothes we had seven years ago,” Zelda snapped. Link smiled at her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, reassuring her that she was doing great.

“Well, maybe you should get dressed, so you can have a tour of the castle,” Link said. “I’d give you the tour, but we’re both busy right now, so I’ll give the tour job to one of my good friends.”

He gestured towards a small bright light that flew right up to Armelle and Granvelle and with the most piercing and loud voice shouted something very recognizable.


“Meet Navi,” Link said, as the couple recovered from the piercing voice of Navi that almost screamed in their delicate and already hurting ears.


Link was enjoying this very much. “Well, you better get changed, Navi is very impatient.”


Both Granville and Armelle went back inside, speechless about what was going on in this castle. They expected it to be some sort of vacation for them, but they were definitely wrong.

They then walked out, flinching every time there was a large boom echoing through the halls, and whenever Navi wanted to get their attention b shouting as loud as she could.

Link and Zelda watched with large smiles on their faces.

“This is what Navi is used for,” Link grinned. Zelda nodded.

“Can’t wait for breakfast,” Zelda said.

Zelda and Link walked down to the dining room and waited until Navi came zooming it, shouting a bunch of swearwords and complaining about how they should hurry up.

And after that, the two breathless royals walked into the room, panting and sweating. Zelda walked over to Link’s chair and pulled it out for him.

“Here you go Link,” she said, watching Granville in the corner of her eye, who was furiously insulted by this, but seemed too exhausted to even complain. He sat down with a smirk as Zelda walked over to her table.

Link and Zelda watched as a group of waiters walked by to each seat and asked what they want for breakfast. Link smiled proudly and looked up at his waiter.

“Yes do you have any ‘live food???’” asked Link loudly enough for it to get Granville and Armelle’s attention.

“Yes sir,” the waiter said. Link then gestured him forwards and whispered in his ear.

“Bring out the snake,” he whispered. The waiter nodded and walked away, along with all the others.

They waited patiently for the food to arrive. Unfortunately it didn’t come. At least not for an hour or so.

“What is taking them so long?” Granville shouted angrily. Zelda frowned.

“Oh I’m sure they’ll get here soon,” Zelda said. Link nodded.

“I’ll go check to see how they’re doing.”

Link walked into the kitchens and walked over to the cooks.

“You’ve got it ready?”

The cook nodded holding out a large steel covered plate. Link walked back out of the kitchens.

“They’re almost done,” Link replied.

The doors opened as two waiters carried a plate covered by steel (and covered tightly for that matter), and set the plate in front of Link.

He smiled and picked up a fork ready to eat. The waiter then removed the steel covering, revealing a large black cobra. A live large black cobra…

Armelle screeched in fright at the monster as the snake slid onto the table and towards her. She screamed and dashed out of the room along with Granville, whose eyes popped out at the sight of the cobra.

Zelda smiled. “Navi why don’t you follow them so they don’t get lost.”

The fairy nodded and flew out of the room leaving Zelda and Link with the snake. Link picked the snake up by the tail and watched as the couple disappeared, jogging through the hallways with Navi at their toes screaming at them.

Link then gently put the snake on the ground and watched as it went through the next room.

After a while the couple settled down and were forced back to touring the castle with Navi, while putting up with the explosions that were randomly set up by Link and Zelda, and a few other guards who were very happy to cause some excitement and chaos in the peaceful place.

Until Navi flew next to the room where Link and Zelda watched the cobra slide into.

“Uh… is this door open,” she wondered and pushed against the door that slid open easily.

“And here is another room, possibly for the head chef of course!” Navi said as they walked into the room.

Another scream echoed throughout the room and the castle as Armelle spotted the black cobra next to the bed stand.

Zelda rushed in with a smile.

“That’s where the little snake has been,” she said with a smile and picked it up by the tail. She showed it to the already horrified couple.

“Want to pet it?” she asked with a smirk. Armelle dashed out of the room with Granville at her toes. Zelda grinned and had to shove her fist into her mouth to stop herself from laughing. Although Navi didn’t have fists, she was putting up just as much of a fight as Zelda was.

Zelda freed the snake to allow it to roam through the gardens and out of the castle and walked back over to where Link was at the exit of the castle. He watched as both Armelle and Granville waddled over to them with fancy traveling cloaks and large bags.

“We did it,” Link whispered.

“The treaty is signed, the tour of Hyrule is off though,” Granville added. “Good day.”

He said this sternly with a very purple face. Armelle was about to give them another hug, but much to Link and Zelda’s relief (especially Link’s) she looked at their bloodstained clothes and just walked past them with a heated glare.

They walked up to their carriage and Armelle’s eyes once again found the escaping snake, and with a loud shriek, she dashed into the carriage and insisted that they hurry up. Granville entered the carriage and they were out of sight in a few minutes.

Link and Zelda grabbed each others hands and smiled at each other, happy that the two were finally gone.

So Here's the 5 Steps to Drive People Away...

1. Redecorate

2. Wear the crappiest clothes

3. Get Navi

4. Prolong meals as long as possible

5. Involve snakes

^.^ Hope u enjoyed this, since it actually was, based completely off of me... Yep all my ideas, all describe what I do in my spare time, lol... ^.^
This story archived at http://www.kasuto.net/efiction/viewstory.php?sid=2044