Summary: Burn is a lonely boy in a lonely town living a lonly life amidst utter chaos. His father's a perv, his grandfather a nut, his brother went off to seek riches in Terminina, and his brother's dumb ex-girlfriend won't leave him alone. Now from beyond the stars drops a Gerudo defender sent forth to stop alien robots from destroying Hyrule. Where do the Alien robots come from? Well, Burn's head for starters. Based on the Manga FLCL by Gainex comes this bizarre tale of adolescence in a world gone mad.
Categories: Fan Fiction Characters: Zelda
Chapters: 7 Completed: No
Word count: 9104 Read: 44869
Published: Oct 01, 2004 Updated: Jul 07, 2005
1 by Burn
From the Maker of Gentle Rain
Road of Taihen
Burn: Nothing out of the ordinary ever happens here. Just the everyday, Kakariko stuff. My dad is a pervert, my grandpa is a crazy old fart, and my brother went of to Terminia to play at the really big shooting galleries, planning to become rich. Unfortunately, his dumb ex-girlfriend won't leave me alone. In fact, she's lying on the ground spooning me. I don't want to be spooned! God, she has nice legs! I'm just laying here with a book on my face. It's a really good book, too. It's about sex and how kids shouldn't have sex because it gives us STDs and all sorts of other crap. But I'm supposed to be stopping the spooning thing so . . .
(Burn gets up and tosses Zelda off.)
Burn: We shouldn't be doing this!
Zelda: But if Zelda doesn't do this, she'll overflow.
Burn: What do you mean, "overflow"?
Zelda: Something will...happen.
Burn: You'll start your period?!
(Zelda smacks him.)
Burn: You smell like cigarettes!
Zelda: I haven't been smoking, sir.
(Burn stands still for a moment then turns to ask Zelda a question, but she ignores him. In the distance, you can hear a horse whinnying.)
Nasal Voice from Nowhere: DID YOU JUST CALL ME HOMOSEXUALLY CHALLENGED?!
(A gerudo leaps out from nowhere riding a yellow miniature pony.)
Gerudo: I AM NOT GAY!!
(The gerudo rides past Burn and smacks him over the head with a guitar that looks like a fish skeleton. Burn hits the ground and bounces. Zelda runs over to him.)
(The Gerudo spins around on the pony, which you can now see is actually a motorbike. Zelda turns towards the Gerudo and stares at her. She quickly runs over to Burn and picks him up.)
Zelda: Let's go, Takkun. Um . . . You're bleeding on me . . . (sighs) I guess I'll have to drag you.
(Zelda drags Burn away. The Gerudo races after them on the motorbike, but wrecks on a hill.)
(Zelda has dragged Burn to an abandoned building. She states that she is thirsty, so buys a coke from the machine.)
Zelda: (handing the soda to Burn) Want half?
(Burn takes the soda, which is empty. He tries to say something to Zelda, but it doesn't come out.)
Burn: (trying to speak to Zelda to no avail) I got a letter from my brother . . . He's got a new girl in Terminina. I don't think he's gunna ditch her either . . . They've already f***ed. They didn't use a condom either. I'm gunna be an uncle!
(Burn's cat, Daru-Daru, comes out from behind a corner. All of the sudden, something smashes a huge hole in the wall. The Gerudo sticks her head through the hole.)
Gerudo: HELLO . . .
(The gerudo smashes through the wall with her motorbike. She flies at Burn, preparing to hit him with the guitar again. Zelda jumps in the way, trying to protect him.)
Gerudo: DID YOU JUST SAY SOMTHIN' 'BOUT MY MAMA?!
Zelda: Wait! Please don't be angry!
Gerudo: YOU PIECE OF SHIT!
Zelda: Takkun may have a big forehead, but he's a good kid! Please don't hurt him!
Gerudo: HE'S HIDING BETWEEN YOUR LEGS!!
(Zelda looks down, and sure enough, Burn is laying down between her legs, getting a perfect view up her skirt.)
Zelda: But he's a real good boy! He'd never even mention having seen my panties to anyone!
Gerudo: THEN HE'S GAY!!
Zelda: No way! I know he wants my nipples!
Gerudo: Ah, an innocent, pre-sexual awareness. I SEE AN OPENING!
(Burn suddenly jumps up.)
Burn: Hello! I know I'm supposed to be dead now, but I just need to make a quick author's note. I know that the past few lines have been copied from the FLCL manga exactly, but this is my favorite scene in FLCL, and I just needed to include it like it's supposed to be. (Crawls back between Zelda's legs.) I'm gunna die now. (Drops dead.)
(The Gerudo leaps out at Burn and is about to hit him, while Zelda is clawing at the Gerudo's head, trying to stop her.)
Gerudo: He's dead . . .
(Zelda looks down at Burns dead body.)
Gerudo: Oh, no! Goddammit! I've killed him!! I've actually killed a child!!
(The Gerudo panics, saying things like "What should I do? What should I do?" and "These hands have been soiled by the blood of a little lamb!" Zelda tries to get Burn's attention.)
Gerudo: (annoyed) Well, we can't bring him back . . . Let's bury him!
Zelda: Isn't there another way?!
Gerudo: Well I could try . . .
Zelda: Wait! You don't mean . . .
Gerudo: Yes. I mean the Kiss . . . OF LIFE! MUHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH!
(The Gerudo leans down to Burn's body. She grabs his face and spreads his lips apart.)
Zelda: (grinning) Heh, heh. This is gunna be entertaining . . .
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.