Summary: Burn is a lonely boy in a lonely town living a lonly life amidst utter chaos. His father's a perv, his grandfather a nut, his brother went off to seek riches in Terminina, and his brother's dumb ex-girlfriend won't leave him alone. Now from beyond the stars drops a Gerudo defender sent forth to stop alien robots from destroying Hyrule. Where do the Alien robots come from? Well, Burn's head for starters. Based on the Manga FLCL by Gainex comes this bizarre tale of adolescence in a world gone mad.
Categories: Fan Fiction Characters: Zelda
Chapters: 7 Completed: No
Word count: 9104 Read: 58257
Published: Oct 01, 2004 Updated: Jul 07, 2005
2-a by Burn
Voice: Wake up, Takkun.
(Burn is sleeping. He has a large patch of gauze taped to his forehead.)
Burn: (Wakes up. Sniffs.) What's that smell?
(Burn gets up.)
Burn: What is this?!
(Burn walks downstairs. His father, Link, is sitting on the floor. Rauru, his grandpa, is stretching with Daru Daru. Then he walks into the kitchen.)
Burn: Holy Crap! There's a metal prostitute in the house!
(A robot is sitting on the floor making rice cakes. It ignores Burn, continuing to pat the cakes. Link walks in the room and notices Burn staring at the robot.)
Link: Oh. . .I see you've found TV boy. . .
Burn: Why is there a robot in the kitchen?! Why is it making breakfast?!! WHY IS IT WEARING AN APRON?!!! WHY DO I EVEN CARE!? . . . Is that thing HIGH?!!
Link: It's wearing an apron because it would be naked without it. And you know it's tough for men to clean up after themselves. So I got us a maid.
Burn: A robot maid?!
Nasal Voice: Nah, he means me!
(The gerudo steps out into the room. Burn stares out in confusion.)
Gerudo: Allow me to preface. Nabooru. Nineteen years old. I'm your sprightly new maid who's cute to boot! Won't you be nice to me?
Burn: You're my new MAID?!!
Nabooru: I'M NOT GAY! (Hits him over the head.)
Burn: You hit me again!
Link: Again? Do you two know each other? Let me restate that. . . Have you had any . . . sexual encounters? (Grins eagerly)
Nabooru: Well. . .
Burn: STOP! AUTHORS NOTE: You are to read the next few lines very quickly because there is no capitalization or punctuation and I typed this very fast so there will probably be grammar mistakes and prepare for chaos!
Nabooru: well I was just riding around like a good little girl and he called me homosexually challenged and i'm not gay so I hit him over the head and accidentally but didn't mean to kill him and I didn't want him to die so I had to save him. . . . MOUTH TO MOUTH! MUHAHAHAHHAHHASHSHSHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHNAHAHAH!
Link: ooh did she stick her tongue in your mouth?!
Burn: gawd why did you tell them that?!
Nabooru: (hits him) QUIT CALLING ME HOMOSEXUALLY CHALLENGED YOU HOMOSEXUALLY CHALLENDGED SON OF A MONKEY
ROBOT: LET'S GO GET HIGH!
BURN: OMIGAWD THE ROBOT'S A STONER!
ROBOT: I'VE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOIN ON!
NABOORU: (HITS THE ROBOT) QUIT MOLESTING ME! HOMO!
ROBOT: (TAKES A DRAG) THIS MARUJANA IS SOME GOOD SHIT!
RAURU: OOH, MARUJANA CAN I HAVE SOME?
(THE ROBOT INHALES THE WEED AND COUGHES)
RAURU: AWWW SWEET I'M HIGH!
NABOORU: GIMME SOME!
BURN: AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT DOESN'T SMOKE WEED?!!
LINK: I DON'T SMOKE I JUST WANT SEX! THAT'S HOW YOU WERE BORN!
BURN: I KNOW THAT!
ROBOT: DID YOU KNOW MARUJANA IS ILLEAGAL?!
RAURU: YEAH, WE CAN BUY WEED IF WE WANT
ROBOT: DON'T FORGET TO BRING A TOWEL!
BURN: WHAT THE FU** ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU MECHANICAL HO?!!
ROBOT: IF YOUR GOING TO THE LAKE YOU NEED TO TAKE AND EXTRA TOWEL SO YOU CAN STAY EXTRA DRY. THAT'S WHY TV-KUN SAYS: DON'T FORGET TO BRING A TOWEL!!!!!!
NABOORU: I'M NOT GAY! (HITS THEM ALL AND TAKES THE MARUJANA.)
(DARU-DARU WALKS INTO THE ROOM.)
DARU-DARU: I'M NOT A CAT! I'M THE LEADER OF THE GORON PEOPLE! I NEED TO GET HIGH!
(Daru-Daru lifts a bomb-flower out of the floor and blows everybody up.)
(That afternoon, at school, Burn is hanging out with his friends Mido and Dirty Joe the Stoner.)
Mido: Hey! Did you hear about the Gerudo?
Dirty Joe: They say she comes out at night. A girl from class two was assaulted.
Mido: Yeah! She wields a fish skeleton, and rides a motorbike that looks like a horse.
Dirty Joe: She only attacks kids who do bad stuff.
Mido: Yeah! Really perverted stuff! She aims for the forehead.
Dirty Joe: (curiously) What's under that gauze, anyways?
(Mido reaches towards the gauze. Burn smacks him.)
Mido: (leaning towards Burn) They say you get marks on you, when you do bad stuff.
Dirty Joe: Yeah, really perverted stuff!
Mido: What have you been getting into? Heheheheh!! Have YOU met the Gerudo?
(Saria, the class president walks over to the table the boys are sitting at.)
Saria: You guys have to switch classes now!!
(Burn looks up at Saria)
Saria: What's that?
Saria: (thinking) What is that smell? It reminds me of . . . gardening.
(School is out. Burn and his friends are outside the schoolyard.)
Dirty Joe the Stoner: Hey Burn! Look over there!
(Burn looks across the street. Zelda is sitting on a bench, playing video games.)
Burn: See ya! (walks away)
Mido and Joe: (snickering) There he goes.
(Burn walks away to talk to Zelda. Saria walks up to Mido and Dirty Joe.)
Saria: What's up with him?
Mido: It's his wife!
Dirty Joe the Stoner: Yeah, Burn has an old lady! Heh heh heh . . .
Saria: Really? (Burn and Zelda walk down the street) She looks stupid.
(Burn and Zelda are sitting together under the bridge. Burn pulls his books out of his bag.)
Zelda: What are you doing, Takkun?
Zelda: Why don't you do it at home?
(Burn ignores her.)
Zelda: Takkun . . .
(Burn gets up suddenly. He appears concerned.)
Zelda: What's wrong??
Burn: I remember now! The Gerudo! A gerudo on a motorbike came charging at me! Right over there! And then . . . And then she hit me with the guitar.
Zelda: Hey Takkun . . . Wake up.
Burn: (thinking) That's it! I remember the smell! That's the smell of dirt!
CONFUSING FLASHBACK TIME! Where we left off at the end of chapter one. Nabooru has just given Burn the kiss of life. It worked, but Nabooru is still panicking.
Nabooru: AAAARG! I KILLED HIM!
Zelda: The kiss worked. He's breathing now. He'll be fine.
(Zelda stares at the wound on Burn's head.)
Burn: (waking up suddenly) GYAHHH!
(Burn falls back down to the ground, gripping his head and screaming in pain. Zelda stares in shock.)
Burn's Head: SPLORRRRRT!!!
(A large growth has just shot out of Burns forehead. Zelda stares at him oddly.)
Zelda: My god! What a zit!!
Nabooru: (leaning down over burns body.) Holy Shit! Puberty hit him like a box of bricks!
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.