ZLCL by Burn
Summary: Burn is a lonely boy in a lonely town living a lonly life amidst utter chaos. His father's a perv, his grandfather a nut, his brother went off to seek riches in Terminina, and his brother's dumb ex-girlfriend won't leave him alone. Now from beyond the stars drops a Gerudo defender sent forth to stop alien robots from destroying Hyrule. Where do the Alien robots come from? Well, Burn's head for starters. Based on the Manga FLCL by Gainex comes this bizarre tale of adolescence in a world gone mad.
Categories: Fan Fiction Characters: Zelda
Genres: None
Warnings: None
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 7 Completed: No Word count: 9104 Read: 58566 Published: Oct 01, 2004 Updated: Jul 07, 2005

1. 1 by Burn

2. 2-a by Burn

3. 2-b part 1 by Burn

4. 2-b (pt. 2) by Burn

5. 2-c by Burn

6. 2-d by Burn

7. 2-e by Burn

1 by Burn
From the Maker of Gentle Rain
And
Road of Taihen
Comes:
ZLCL

Burn: Nothing out of the ordinary ever happens here. Just the everyday, Kakariko stuff. My dad is a pervert, my grandpa is a crazy old fart, and my brother went of to Terminia to play at the really big shooting galleries, planning to become rich. Unfortunately, his dumb ex-girlfriend won't leave me alone. In fact, she's lying on the ground spooning me. I don't want to be spooned! God, she has nice legs! I'm just laying here with a book on my face. It's a really good book, too. It's about sex and how kids shouldn't have sex because it gives us STDs and all sorts of other crap. But I'm supposed to be stopping the spooning thing so . . .

(Burn gets up and tosses Zelda off.)

Burn: We shouldn't be doing this!

Zelda: But if Zelda doesn't do this, she'll overflow.

Burn: What do you mean, "overflow"?

Zelda: Something will...happen.

Burn: You'll start your period?!

(Zelda smacks him.)

Burn: You smell like cigarettes!

Zelda: I haven't been smoking, sir.

(Burn stands still for a moment then turns to ask Zelda a question, but she ignores him. In the distance, you can hear a horse whinnying.)

Nasal Voice from Nowhere: DID YOU JUST CALL ME HOMOSEXUALLY CHALLENGED?!

(A gerudo leaps out from nowhere riding a yellow miniature pony.)

Gerudo: I AM NOT GAY!!

(The gerudo rides past Burn and smacks him over the head with a guitar that looks like a fish skeleton. Burn hits the ground and bounces. Zelda runs over to him.)

Zelda: Takkun!

(The Gerudo spins around on the pony, which you can now see is actually a motorbike. Zelda turns towards the Gerudo and stares at her. She quickly runs over to Burn and picks him up.)

Zelda: Let's go, Takkun. Um . . . You're bleeding on me . . . (sighs) I guess I'll have to drag you.

(Zelda drags Burn away. The Gerudo races after them on the motorbike, but wrecks on a hill.)

(Zelda has dragged Burn to an abandoned building. She states that she is thirsty, so buys a coke from the machine.)

Zelda: (handing the soda to Burn) Want half?

(Burn takes the soda, which is empty. He tries to say something to Zelda, but it doesn't come out.)

Burn: (trying to speak to Zelda to no avail) I got a letter from my brother . . . He's got a new girl in Terminina. I don't think he's gunna ditch her either . . . They've already f***ed. They didn't use a condom either. I'm gunna be an uncle!

(Burn's cat, Daru-Daru, comes out from behind a corner. All of the sudden, something smashes a huge hole in the wall. The Gerudo sticks her head through the hole.)

Gerudo: HELLO . . .

(The gerudo smashes through the wall with her motorbike. She flies at Burn, preparing to hit him with the guitar again. Zelda jumps in the way, trying to protect him.)

Gerudo: DID YOU JUST SAY SOMTHIN' 'BOUT MY MAMA?!

Zelda: Wait! Please don't be angry!

Gerudo: YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

Zelda: Takkun may have a big forehead, but he's a good kid! Please don't hurt him!

Gerudo: HE'S HIDING BETWEEN YOUR LEGS!!

Zelda: What?

(Zelda looks down, and sure enough, Burn is laying down between her legs, getting a perfect view up her skirt.)

Zelda: But he's a real good boy! He'd never even mention having seen my panties to anyone!

Gerudo: THEN HE'S GAY!!

Zelda: No way! I know he wants my nipples!

Gerudo: Ah, an innocent, pre-sexual awareness. I SEE AN OPENING!

Zelda: NOOOOOO!

(Burn suddenly jumps up.)

Burn: Hello! I know I'm supposed to be dead now, but I just need to make a quick author's note. I know that the past few lines have been copied from the FLCL manga exactly, but this is my favorite scene in FLCL, and I just needed to include it like it's supposed to be. (Crawls back between Zelda's legs.) I'm gunna die now. (Drops dead.)

Zelda: NOOOOOO!

(The Gerudo leaps out at Burn and is about to hit him, while Zelda is clawing at the Gerudo's head, trying to stop her.)

Gerudo: Hey!

Zelda: Huh?

Gerudo: He's dead . . .

(Zelda looks down at Burns dead body.)

Gerudo: Oh, no! Goddammit! I've killed him!! I've actually killed a child!!

(The Gerudo panics, saying things like "What should I do? What should I do?" and "These hands have been soiled by the blood of a little lamb!" Zelda tries to get Burn's attention.)

Gerudo: (annoyed) Well, we can't bring him back . . . Let's bury him!

Zelda: Isn't there another way?!

Gerudo: Well I could try . . .

Zelda: Wait! You don't mean . . .

Gerudo: Yes. I mean the Kiss . . . OF LIFE! MUHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH!

(The Gerudo leans down to Burn's body. She grabs his face and spreads his lips apart.)

Zelda: (grinning) Heh, heh. This is gunna be entertaining . . .
2-a by Burn
ZLCL


Voice: Wake up, Takkun.

(Burn is sleeping. He has a large patch of gauze taped to his forehead.)

Burn: (Wakes up. Sniffs.) What's that smell?

(Burn gets up.)

Burn: What is this?!

(Burn walks downstairs. His father, Link, is sitting on the floor. Rauru, his grandpa, is stretching with Daru Daru. Then he walks into the kitchen.)

Burn: Holy Crap! There's a metal prostitute in the house!

(A robot is sitting on the floor making rice cakes. It ignores Burn, continuing to pat the cakes. Link walks in the room and notices Burn staring at the robot.)

Link: Oh. . .I see you've found TV boy. . .

Burn: Why is there a robot in the kitchen?! Why is it making breakfast?!! WHY IS IT WEARING AN APRON?!!! WHY DO I EVEN CARE!? . . . Is that thing HIGH?!!

Link: It's wearing an apron because it would be naked without it. And you know it's tough for men to clean up after themselves. So I got us a maid.

Burn: A robot maid?!

Nasal Voice: Nah, he means me!

(The gerudo steps out into the room. Burn stares out in confusion.)

Gerudo: Allow me to preface. Nabooru. Nineteen years old. I'm your sprightly new maid who's cute to boot! Won't you be nice to me?

Burn: You're my new MAID?!!

Nabooru: I'M NOT GAY! (Hits him over the head.)

Burn: You hit me again!

Link: Again? Do you two know each other? Let me restate that. . . Have you had any . . . sexual encounters? (Grins eagerly)

Nabooru: Well. . .

Burn: STOP! AUTHORS NOTE: You are to read the next few lines very quickly because there is no capitalization or punctuation and I typed this very fast so there will probably be grammar mistakes and prepare for chaos!

Nabooru: well I was just riding around like a good little girl and he called me homosexually challenged and i'm not gay so I hit him over the head and accidentally but didn't mean to kill him and I didn't want him to die so I had to save him. . . . MOUTH TO MOUTH! MUHAHAHAHHAHHASHSHSHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHNAHAHAH!
Link: ooh did she stick her tongue in your mouth?!
Burn: gawd why did you tell them that?!
Nabooru: (hits him) QUIT CALLING ME HOMOSEXUALLY CHALLENGED YOU HOMOSEXUALLY CHALLENDGED SON OF A MONKEY
ROBOT: LET'S GO GET HIGH!
BURN: OMIGAWD THE ROBOT'S A STONER!
ROBOT: I'VE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOIN ON!
NABOORU: (HITS THE ROBOT) QUIT MOLESTING ME! HOMO!
ROBOT: (TAKES A DRAG) THIS MARUJANA IS SOME GOOD SHIT!
RAURU: OOH, MARUJANA CAN I HAVE SOME?
ROBOT: SURE!
(THE ROBOT INHALES THE WEED AND COUGHES)
RAURU: AWWW SWEET I'M HIGH!
NABOORU: GIMME SOME!
BURN: AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT DOESN'T SMOKE WEED?!!
LINK: I DON'T SMOKE I JUST WANT SEX! THAT'S HOW YOU WERE BORN!
BURN: I KNOW THAT!
ROBOT: DID YOU KNOW MARUJANA IS ILLEAGAL?!
RAURU: YEAH, WE CAN BUY WEED IF WE WANT
ROBOT: DON'T FORGET TO BRING A TOWEL!
BURN: WHAT THE FU** ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU MECHANICAL HO?!!
ROBOT: IF YOUR GOING TO THE LAKE YOU NEED TO TAKE AND EXTRA TOWEL SO YOU CAN STAY EXTRA DRY. THAT'S WHY TV-KUN SAYS: DON'T FORGET TO BRING A TOWEL!!!!!!
NABOORU: I'M NOT GAY! (HITS THEM ALL AND TAKES THE MARUJANA.)
(DARU-DARU WALKS INTO THE ROOM.)
DARU-DARU: I'M NOT A CAT! I'M THE LEADER OF THE GORON PEOPLE! I NEED TO GET HIGH!

(Daru-Daru lifts a bomb-flower out of the floor and blows everybody up.)



(That afternoon, at school, Burn is hanging out with his friends Mido and Dirty Joe the Stoner.)

Mido: Hey! Did you hear about the Gerudo?

Burn:(intriuged) Gerudo?

Dirty Joe: They say she comes out at night. A girl from class two was assaulted.

Mido: Yeah! She wields a fish skeleton, and rides a motorbike that looks like a horse.

Dirty Joe: She only attacks kids who do bad stuff.

Mido: Yeah! Really perverted stuff! She aims for the forehead.

Dirty Joe: (curiously) What's under that gauze, anyways?

(Mido reaches towards the gauze. Burn smacks him.)

Mido: (leaning towards Burn) They say you get marks on you, when you do bad stuff.

Dirty Joe: Yeah, really perverted stuff!

Mido: What have you been getting into? Heheheheh!! Have YOU met the Gerudo?

Voice: Hey!

(Saria, the class president walks over to the table the boys are sitting at.)

Saria: You guys have to switch classes now!!

Burn: Okayyyyy!

(Burn looks up at Saria)

Saria: What's that?

Saria: (thinking) What is that smell? It reminds me of . . . gardening.

(School is out. Burn and his friends are outside the schoolyard.)

Dirty Joe the Stoner: Hey Burn! Look over there!

(Burn looks across the street. Zelda is sitting on a bench, playing video games.)

Burn: See ya! (walks away)

Mido and Joe: (snickering) There he goes.

(Burn walks away to talk to Zelda. Saria walks up to Mido and Dirty Joe.)

Saria: What's up with him?

Mido: It's his wife!

Dirty Joe the Stoner: Yeah, Burn has an old lady! Heh heh heh . . .

Saria: Really? (Burn and Zelda walk down the street) She looks stupid.

(Burn and Zelda are sitting together under the bridge. Burn pulls his books out of his bag.)

Zelda: What are you doing, Takkun?

Burn: Homework.

Zelda: Why don't you do it at home?

(Burn ignores her.)

Zelda: Takkun . . .

(Burn gets up suddenly. He appears concerned.)

Zelda: What's wrong??

Burn: I remember now! The Gerudo! A gerudo on a motorbike came charging at me! Right over there! And then . . . And then she hit me with the guitar.

Zelda: Hey Takkun . . . Wake up.

Burn: (thinking) That's it! I remember the smell! That's the smell of dirt!




CONFUSING FLASHBACK TIME! Where we left off at the end of chapter one. Nabooru has just given Burn the kiss of life. It worked, but Nabooru is still panicking.


Nabooru: AAAARG! I KILLED HIM!

Zelda: The kiss worked. He's breathing now. He'll be fine.

(Zelda stares at the wound on Burn's head.)

Burn: (waking up suddenly) GYAHHH!

(Burn falls back down to the ground, gripping his head and screaming in pain. Zelda stares in shock.)

Burn's Head: SPLORRRRRT!!!

(A large growth has just shot out of Burns forehead. Zelda stares at him oddly.)

Zelda: My god! What a zit!!

Nabooru: (leaning down over burns body.) Holy Shit! Puberty hit him like a box of bricks!
2-b part 1 by Burn
ZLCL


Zelda: I didn't realize zits got this big . . .

Nabooru: Well . . . It's not exact ally a zit . . .

(Zelda reaches forward and pokes it. It's soft, and bends when she touches it.)

Nabooru (grinning): Good girls wouldn't touch that . . .

Zelda: Why not??

Nabooru (trying to hold back laughter): Well, he is a guy . . . It's not his fault!!

Zelda: Oh . . . this is . . . that . . .

Nabooru: IT'S A PENiS!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHHHHHHHHH!

Zelda: Funny . . . It looked a lot different in that sex-ed video we saw in fourth grade . . . And why does it come out of his forehead?!

Nabooru (ignoring the question): You got a video?! Lucky!!! All I got was a slide show!!! It was good though. It had penises and vag-

(I know you pervs want to hear the details, but I'm gunna cut this line of dialogue off right now.)


(Burn slowly starts to regain thought, although he is still physically unconscious.)

Burn: Ugh . . . Am I dead?!

(Burn looks up.)

Burn: I see, Zelda . . . I see up her skirt!! Pink is a very good color on her! I'm gunna tell all my friends about it! Where's a camera? Wait a minute . . . Who's that freak she's with?

(Nabooru is laughing and saying something to Zelda, though Burn can't understand. Whatever she said, Zelda appears disturbed. Nabooru begins to do a little dance.)

Burn: Aw, who cares? . . Zelda, there is something I need to tell you. My brother Kafei, He got a new girl in Terminia. They are engaged at this point . . . Except it will probably get ruined by a little midget imp with a weird hat and a big mask that looks like a pair of boobs with eyes and spikes stiking out of them.

(Zelda says something and begins to cover her face with her hands, apparently busting into tears.)

Burn: What's wrong, Zelda? Why . . . are. . y-you. . .. .

(The growth from Burns head grows and morphs into a mechanical hand)

Burn: GYAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
2-b (pt. 2) by Burn
ZLCL

Chapter 2-b part two


Burn: HELP MEEEE!!

(A huge hand has emerged from where the zit/penus thing was. The hand, still attached to Burns forehead, lands on the ground and leaps foreword at an old lady. Nabooru looks on as she pulls off her helmet. The lady stares at the hand with shock. Nabooru begins to walk towards the scene.)

Old Lady: (shakes it off) What a freakin' ruckus. These kids...

Burn: umm umm kum!

Old Lady: He's talking to me! The nerve! Can't understand what he's saying anyways, his mouth is full of food or something.

(Another robotic hand spurts out of Burn's head. Together the hands push against Burn, and finally a robot's head pops out.)

Robot: I said you're really hot!! And my mouth isn't full of food!!

(The old lady runs away in fear.)

Robot: Wait up! I wanna touch you!!

(The robot takes its arms and forces itself out of Burn's head completely. It flies out of Burn and uses jets to chase after the old lady.)

Robot: Wait! You're so sexy! Touch my body! You wanna go get high?!

(The robot traps the old lady in a corner and picks her up.)

Robot: Prepare to feel my cold, steel tongue in your sexy mouth!

(ANOTHER hand leaps out from Burn and grabs the robot by the ankle. It pulls the robot away from the old lady and throws it down the alley into a wall, smashing a wall, burying Nabooru and Zelda under stone. Nabooru climbs out from the rubble and pulls out a strange device.)

Nabooru: (talking in the device) Stardate: 0401-8532...Just kidding! Project: Earth Agent 340...Just kidding! I am Nabooru for action 10 news reporting that an old lady was nearly raped by a robot...Just kidding! I am reporting the outbreak of and enemy element. For real!!

(Nabooru crawls in closer to the robot.)

Nabooru: Serial number is...obscured.

(The third hand leaps and tackles the robot. It tries to separate from Burn, but the robot attacks it.)

Nabooru: (surprised) Hey it appears to be TWO enemy elements!! They might be battling it out. Like two spouses in a domestic disturbance! Or two geese making sweet love!!

(The hand takes a jab at the robot's torso. The robot grabs the hand and flings it through the air. The Robot runs towards the hand and kicks it, smashing the wrist, causing it to break away from Burn. An eye opens in the hand's palm and glares at the robot evilly. The Hand flies through the air and lands in the street, crippled and smoking. It blinks once and explodes.)

(Zelda slowly opens her eyes as she lies in the middle of the street. Her video game, "Fire Starter", lies next to her. She reaches her arm out and pushes a button.)

"Endsville, The City of Devils...

...spreads its evil through the world like a virus.

You are an agent of Cantido, the God of Black Flames.

You slog away day and night to purge the city of demons, thereby stopping Endsville from destroying the world.

If you falter in even the slightest degree, the City of Devils will overpower you and consume the earth. Your battle is, therefore, endless..."

(Zelda sits up and stares at the robot as she recites aloud the story of the game aloud. And, in her mind, it looks like the God of Black Flames, Beckoning her to help it. The Robot walks over to Burn and picks him up. It turns and stares back at Zelda for a few minutes. All of the sudden, a shadow appears over the robot, and Zelda sees Nabooru flying at them with her guitar.)

Nabooru: HERE I COME AND GET IT, YOU METAL FREAK!!

(Nabooru literally assaults the robot, and it's dead body falls down behind her. Zelda walks over to Burn and touches the spot on his forehead. Her eyes suddenly dilate and she falls feints. Nabooru stands between Burn and Zelda, both unconsciouses, with the robot's dead body behind her.)

Nabooru: (talking to Daru-Daru, who has watched the whole scene from a corner) This ain't over...

(Back to the story of chapter two.)

Burn: That's my flashback. The robot survived, and now is working with Nabooru as a maid in our house. Besides asking us if we wanted to get high, it never has talked...we've named it TV-kun. That giant hand with the eye... I think it's gone. I can't be sure though. I've just got a weird feeling about it. What if it's not dead...?
2-c by Burn
ZLCL
#2-c


Burn: What's going on?

(Link, Rauru, and Nabooru are all sitting down at the dinner table. All three are busting out with laughter.)

Burn: (thinking) Why is Dad laughing at her jokes? And why is Grandpa smiling so big?

(Burn stares at Nabooru.)

Burn: (still thinking) In the blink of an eye, the Gerudo has wormed her way into my life.

(Burn shifts away from Nabooru and turns to TV-kun, who is sitting in the corner.)

Burn: (thinking EVEN MORE) She and her robot...what is that thing anyways?

(Burn's thoughts are interrupted by Nabooru.)

Nabooru: (using a creepy voice) How's you're head, Takkun?

Burn: Who Cares?! This sucks...

(Nabooru reaches across the table towards Burn's forehead.)

Nabooru: Let me seeeeeee...

(Burn swerves away.)

Nabooru: What's the matter, Takkun? You don't want me to see where your penis used to be?

Burn: Don't call me Takkun!

Nabooru: Zelda does...

Burn: Zelda's weird...

(All of the sudden a clinking sound comes from the head of the table. Link is tapping his glass with a fork)

Link: Sorry to but in to your conversation but I noticed that Nabooru said, "Where your penis USED to be"?

(Burn looks at him with a weird look.)

Burn: It wasn't a penis dad... It was a big zit.

(Author's note: Remember the crazy all caps no punctuation segment from chapter two? IT'S BACK!!)

Link: HELP! SOMEONE CUT OFF MY SONS PENIS!
BURN: NO DAD ITS NOT LIKE THAT!
NABOORU: I BIT IT OF! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!! PENISES TASTE
REALLY GOOD!
RAURU: YOU FILTHY WORDS IM NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY YOU BIT OFF MY
GRANDSONS PENIS NOW I CANT CARRY ON THE FAMILY NAME: RAURU!!
NABOORU: (ASSUALTS HIM) YOURE FAMILY NAME ISNT RAURU YOU
DUMB@$$ ITS HOMOSEXUALHOBO!!!!
LINK: I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT PENISES TASTED GOOD I ALREADY
KNEW THAT!!
Burn: How?!

(Everybody stares at Link awkwardly.)

NABOORU: HES GAYYYYYY!!!!
LINK: NO IM NOT I JUST MASTRIBATE!!
NABOORU: WITH YOUR MOUTH?!
RAURU: (ASSUALTS NABOORU) MY SON IS NOT GAY AND NEITHER AM I
HOW ELSE COULD WE HAVE KIDS?
NABOORU: (ASSUALTS HIM BACK) DID YOU JUST CALL ME
HOMOSEXUALLY CHALLENGED?! IM NOT GAY AND YOU MUST BE
BISEXUAL!
BURN: I KNOW HOW YOU HAD KIDS FIRST YOU GOT DRUNK AND THEN
YOU GOT HIGH AND THEN YOU GOT LAID!!
LINK: SUCH A GOOD BOY YOU'VE LEARNED SO MUCH!!
TV-KUN: DID YOU SAY HIGH!!
BURN: CRAP! HES DOING IT AGAIN!!!!
TV-KUN: I'M NOT DOIN IT IM GETTIN HIGH!
NABOORU: SMOKE BURNS PENIS!!
TV-KUN: OKAY!!

(A saw comes out of TV-kun's hand as he reaches down to Burn's pants. Burn, as terrified as he is, throws a quarter at the robot.)

TV-kun: Ooooh, a shiny one!

(TV-kun chases after the quarter. Burn, upset about nearly having his penis cut off and used as a drug, gets up and leaves the room.)

Nabooru: You're leaving? You hardly ate a thing! Hey, Dad! Looks like you've got a
peckish eater! That's the first sign of a troubled youth!

Link: Don't worry about him, Nabooru-san. He's just shy. He'll grow up to be an outlandish pervert, just like his old man.

(Burn ignores them both and walks away. Someone comes up behind him and taps his shoulder.)

Burn: I'm not hungry!

(Burn turns around and sees the robot.)

Burn: Whoa! Don't scare me like that!

(TV-kun holds out a tray of aluminum cans. Burn takes one and opens it.)

Burn: Lon-Lon Beer? You want me to drink some?

(Link takes a sip.)

Burn: Wait...don't these poison your kidneys and shorten you're life expectancy by three years? Sure gives you one hell of a buzz, though.

(Burn stops for a second and looks up at the robot.)

Burn: (thinking) wait a minute...why's this thing being nice to me? Is it pity?

Burn: (aloud) I DON'T NEED YOUR PITY!

(Burn suddenly kicks TV-kun in the nuts. Surprised and in horrible amounts of cold hard pain, the robot drops the tray, and beer spills out everywhere, with empty cans rolling off into the darkness.)

Burn: (running away) And I don't need your pity! You're just a dumb robot!

(TV-kun, hurt both physically and feelingly*, lays on the ground staring at the floor. It looks as if it's about to cry, but robots don't cry, and it's just been kicked in its balls, I need to save it some of its dignity. Nabooru walks out in a bathrobe and sits down next to it.)

Nabooru: Don't worry about him. He's just a kid. How bout I help you clean up this beer, and then we'll go up to the bedroom together. Would that make you feel better?

(The robot nods.)

Nabooru: (rubbing its back.) Yeah. I'll go get the mop and a condom.

*I know feelingly isn't a word. Deal with it.




Burn: A ghost hand? Like a disembodied, floating, hand?

(Burn, Dirty Joe the Stoner, and Mido are hanging out at school, per usual.)

Dirty Joe: When they tore it down to redraw the district lines, weird things started happening. This old lady who lives in the alley near there, even went crazy! She just runs around all day, screaming about robots trying to rape her! And a few days ago, there was a huge explosion over there! We have to check it out!

Burn: You're really into all this crap, aren't you?

Dirty Joe: Well, I'm through with cram school. So I get bored, Burn. So, you wanna come?

Burn: (sighing) Sure, why not...

(Burn and drugged-out company leave the school to see Zelda sitting on a bench across the street.)

Mido: Hey! Looks like someone's here to see you!

Dirty Joe: Burn's wife.

Mido: Well, see ya later.

(Burn stands there for a moment.)

Mido: What are you waiting for? Go get her!

Dirty Joe: (snickering) Give the boy a break!

(Burn looks at Zelda for a moment, then whips around in the other direction.)

Burn: Let's take the shortcut!

(Saria suddenly walks around from a corner with her friend. She waves good-bye and then spots Zelda, who is looking for Burn. Zelda turns and stares at Saria with interest.)

Saria: Ug. Why did she have to see me?

(Saria stares at Zelda intently.)

Saria: (thinking) Burn-kun just went out the back. He's avoiding you.

(Zelda stares blankly and confused.)

Saria: (to herself) Telepathy is no good!

(Saria whips around and leaves.)




Mido: Look! A robot shopping!

(Mido points to a store window. TV-kun is in the store looking at pornography.)

Mido: Isn't that your robot, Burn?

Burn: Wha...No! How did- you...

Mido: It's been around a lot, lately. Shopping and stuff. I think it's cool. Like one of those mechanical mates that help old people, right?

Dirty Joe: Damn, that must have been expensive. Is your grandpa dying or something?

Burn: I don't know...maybe.

(Burn scowls.)

Burn: Let's go!

(Burn, Dirty Joe, and Mido, all slip through a hole in a wall. They arrive in an old deserted part of town. Burn looks around dully.)

Burn: What did you say was here again?

Dirty Joe: (ignoring him) If those Kokiri Elementary kids are here, there's gunna be a fight...

Mido: Look! It's the old Lady!

(Mido chases after the old lady.)

Mido: Hey there, you old bag!!

Old Lady: (angrily) NO YOU GODDAM ROBOT! I WONT GET HIGH WITH YOU AND I WONT BE YOU'RE LOVE MONKEY!!

(The old lady runs away behind a corner. Mido chases after her, screaming up a storm.)

Burn: Get back over here! Mido!

Dirty Joe: (kicking a bunch of junk) Just ignore him! He'll come back eventually.

Burn: Yo! Don't kick up so much dust!

(The junk Dirty Joe was kicking finally went down. Unfortunately, the entire wall went down with it. A little clearing is revealed. There is a sofa and a rug laying on the ground. Burn lays his bow on the ground and sits on his bags.)

Dirty Joe: So what's up, Burn-kun?

Burn: I'm tired...

(Suddenly, a large explosion goes off from the ally. Mido suddenly comes running out. A huge hole erupts through the wall. Debris and dust flies out everywhere, with Mido running out.)

Mido: (terrified) The old lady has a rocket launcher!!

(Mido runs around in circles talking about the old lady, while Burn and Dirty Joe ignore him. Burn notices a cat sitting on the steps of a burnt-out house.)

Burn: (thinking) Haven't I been here before?

Mido: There sure have been a lot of fires around town lately...

Dirty Joe: There was another one last night.

(Burn gets up and follows the cat. As soon as he goes near it, it runs away. Burn sits down.)

Burn: (thinking) What am I doing

(Burn looks around and spots a smashed wall in an old alley. He begins to think about Zelda. He suddenly jumps up.)

Burn: Wait!! That's the alley where Nabooru and I fought the robots! The old lady was the one TV-kun was chasing!

(Dirty Joe screams at Burn from the clearing.)

Dirty Joe: Burn! Porno Mags! A Bunch!!

Burn: Hmph.

(Burn sighs a little and looks of in the direction of the alley.)

KSHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

(Burn spins around with fear to see the robotic hand glaring at him. Mido and Dirty Joe are looking at the porno mags.)

Dirty Joe: Give Burn the really nasty ones!

(Burns voice suddenly rings out from the hill.)

Burn: OHMYGOD!!?

(Burn pulls out a small bow that his brother left him before he left for the shooting galleries. He reaches into his bags, but has no arrows. He tries to swing the bow like a sword, but the hand knocks it away from him.)

Burn: Agggg! No! That's my brother's bow!!

(The hand launches itself at Burn, who is stuck in a corner. All of the sudden, the hand stops. TV-kun leaps out from behind the house holding his shopping bags. He swings the bags down and smashes a huge dent into the hand. He hands the bags to Burn and attacks the hand. Meanwhile, Dirty Joe and Mido finally realize that something's wrong.)

Mido: Hey Burn! You all right, dude?

(All of the sudden, Nabooru pulls out in front of Mido on her pony. She stops in front of him and pulls out her guitar.)

Mido: Yo! Watch it!

Dirty Joe: Uh Oh!! Gerudo...

(Dirty Joe runs away and hides. Nabooru gets off the pony and stares at Mido.)

Nabooru: Did you see anything...suspicious?

Mido: ...Uh, I was just leaving.

Nabooru: (trying to act cool) Good. Sleep.

(She takes her guitar and clocks Mido in the gut.)

Mido: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU HIT ME FOR!!

Nabooru: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO FALL DOWN AND... DIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!

(As she screams, "die", Nabooru smashes her knees into Mido's face. She hits his head with her guitar. Then she turns around and farts on him.)

Nabooru: PootPoot! Crazy Time!!

(Mido falls down to the ground. She begins walk towards the wall where Dirty Joe is hiding. Meanwhile, TV-kun shoots a left hook at the giant hand. He leaps up into the air and kicks at the robot. The robot blocks the kick with a finger. Nabooru notices the sounds of the fight going on at the hill. All of the sudden, Burn screams. Dirty Joe panics.)

Dirty Joe: Burn!

(Nabooru turns towards the sound of Joe's voice. She reaches for her guitar.)

Nabooru: POWER TO THE SHEEP DOOOOOGGGGGGSSSS!!!! DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!

(The hand flies out at Burn. All of the sudden he hears Dirty Joe screaming.)

Dirty Joe: NOOOOOOOOOO!

(Burn braces himself as the hand flies at him. All of the sudden, TV-kun grabs one of the wires sticking out of the hand. He yanks it away from Burn and throws it down to the ground. He jumps into the air and slams his fist straight into the eye. Burn stares. All of the sudden, Burn gets a sharp pain in his forehead. Nabooru has just ripped the gauze off of his head.)

Nabooru: You're gonna be just fine. Your friends are over there with their porn, bleeding.

(TV-kun rips a mass of wires out from the hand. He throws them down to the ground.)

Burn: (thinking) Who the Hell are these Bastards?

(Burn watches as Nabooru talks to the robot.)

Burn: We could ask her the same question? Dammit! Why can't I stop shaking? All I wanna do is run away...but to where...?
2-d by Burn
ZLCL
Chapter 2-d


That Sunday;

(Burn is asleep on the balcony. He is resting his head on a table, when suddenly marijuana smoke and Link's voice wake him up.)

Link: That's right! Lift those boxes! Since you don't have any nifty functions, you can at least do some work around the house. And share some of that weed.

(Burn jumps up quickly. He walks up to the edge of the balcony and looks down. TV-kun is lifting crates out in the driveway, while Link watches on and gets high.)

Burn: You're using him outside again? The neighbor's have eyes, you know!

Link: Oh, you think he's yours cuz you found him and you're not a drugged out pervert, huh? How selfish! You need to smoke some of this and...Wow...

Burn:...What...?

Link: I never realized what stunning blue eyes you have...

Burn: My eyes are brown dumbass...

(Burn begins to think: "I found him?" He gets up and begins to walk to the balcony door, which leads to his bedroom. He reaches towards the sliding door, but stops. Nabooru's voice is sounding behind the door.

Nabooru: I'm sorry, O.K.! No, I haven't made contact with "him" yet...I've recruited one of the enemy robots...but he's useless. Well...He can fight...but he's to stoned to do anything else.

(Burn slowly begins to open the door. He peeks inside. Nabooru is lying down on the floor in a freaky position in front of Daru-Daru. She slowly raises her head and grins evilly at Burn.)

Nabooru: You were listening...?

Burn: Not...really...

(Nabooru suddenly jumps up in the air and clenches her fist. Burn runs away.)

Nabooru: Oh well, It was bound to happen!!

(Nabooru chases him out the hall. She pulls out her guitar.)

Nabooru: MARSHMELLOWS ARE PEOPLE TOOOOOOOO!!!!!

(Nabooru smashes the guitar over Burn's head. She leaps on top of his shoulders and wraps her legs around his neck. And don't start this isn't a sex scene. Nabooru begins to chew on his head and pull his hair.)

Nabooru: I'm gonna let you in on my secret! TELL NOONE!!LONG LONG AGO IN GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY BEFORE YOU WERE BORN TWO FORCES BEGAN A BLOODY WAR THAT CONTINUES TO BE BLOODY TO THIS DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU WOULD KNOW OR CARE ANYTHING ABOUT UNLESS YOU WERE PLASTERED AND/OR HIGH!! I AM ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE BATTLE THAT'S RIGHT WERE THE GOOD GUYS THE FORCES OF LIGHT!!!! AND AS THE FIRST-CLASS OFFICER OF THE BUNNIES AT PLAY DESERT POLICE SISTERHOOD IVE COME TO THE ENDS OF HYRULE TO...

(Burn tries to pry her off of his shoulders. Nabooru grabs him by his waist and throws him to the ground.)

Nabooru: Hey! I'm talking here!

Burn: (angrily) Lemme go you freak!!

(Nabooru pins him down to the floor. She looks at him and begins to cry.)

Nabooru: Why...Don't you believe me...?

Burn: Who would believe you! You're a headcase!

Nabooru: And this is an earcase!!

(Nabooru pulls out a glasses case from her pocket. She opens the case, which is empty, and slams it shut on Burn's ear.)

Burn: GYYYYYYAAAAAAA!!!

(Nabooru lets go of Burn's ear.)

Burn: You piece of shit!!

(Nabooru begins poking Burn in the forehead.)

Nabooru: Come on!! Think about it!

(Nabooru pulls out a ukulele. She hits Burn in the head with it.)

Nabooru: Sorry, the guitar is too big.

(Burn remembers TV-kun fighting the hand. Nabooru had gone and whispered something to the robot before the hand exploded.)

Burn: (thinking) Are all these robots the bad guys in the war she's talking about...?

(Nabooru suddenly wraps one arm around Burn's neck and wraps her legs around his waist. She uses her other arm to punch Burns head.)

Nabooru: YOU SAW IT FOR YOURSELF!!!!!! You know, the whole robots fighting each other thing?!

Burn: NO! My eyes can play tricks on me!!

Nabooru: (slyly) Heh. You can't fool me like that, little brother.

(Burn remembers checking on Dirty Joe and Mido after the fight was over. They were both unconscious. Burn woke them up.)

Dirty Joe: Augh! My nose is still bleeding! That Gerudo is one tough bitch!!

Mido: How come you aren't hurt, Burn?!

Burn: (trying to change the subject) So... You guys found some porn?

Mido: What?!

(Nabooru and TV-kun were watching the whole scene from a corner.)

Dirty Joe: You didn't know about all this?

(Burn's memories are suddenly interrupted by Nabooru. In case you are confused, the last 6 lines took place in the past. Now we are back to the Present.)

Nabooru: Aw, that's sweet. You were protecting me!

Burn: No I wasn't! They just wanted to show me some porn!!

Nabooru: DENY IT ALL YOU WANT!! I SAW WHAT HAPPENED!!!

(All of the sudden, the door slides open. Burn looks up and sees Zelda standing in the doorway. He suddenly realized that the position he and Nabooru are in looks kind of sexual. )

Burn: Zelda?!! This looks bad...

Zelda: Hi, Nabooru-san!

Nabooru: Sup, Girl!

(Zelda ignores Burn and runs over to the robot. She bows down in front of him with her hands clasped together as if she was praying.)

Zelda: Canti-sama...*

Burn: (confused) Canti?

Zelda: The God of the Black Flame, Cantido-sama. From Fire Starter.

Burn: The video game?

(All of the sudden, Link walks in. He sees Nabooru and Burn lying on the ground like that and grins.)

Link: Nabooru-san! Can I join in?

Nabooru: You'd enjoy it too much, you old perv. So no.

(Now Rauru walks in.)

Rauru: Is the world turning without me?!

(Rauru spots Zelda standing there, then leaves and slams the door.)

Nabooru: What's his problem?

Burn: Grandpa didn't like Zelda dating my brother. Why do you care anyways? Leggo already!

(Burn tosses Nabooru off and puts his baseball cap on. He storms out the door.)

*In case you didn't know, In the Japanese language, "Sama" is added onto the name of someone you worship as a god/religious figure.








(Burn is down by the bridge where Zelda was spooning him at the beginning of the story, practicing his archery skills. All of the sudden, he hears a soft voice behind him.)

Zelda: Here...Takkun.

(Burn turns around to see Zelda. A small cat trots up to her. She picks it up, and Burn realizes that she is talking to the cat. He scowls a little.)

Burn: He's Takkun to, huh...?

Zelda: (turning away from him) Of course. I name everything I love Takkun...

Burn: What?

Zelda: (quickly) That doesn't mean I love you...Well I do love you but I don't only as a friend. Wait a minute, I do love you...But only as a possession. NO! YOU'RE MORE THAN JUST A POSSESION BUT... AH! Never mind...

Burn: What was that about...?

(Zelda ignores him and begins to walk away with the cat.)

Burn: Hey! Wait up!

(Burn puts up his bow and follows Zelda. She still ignores him.)

Burn: What's your problem?

Zelda: (sullenly) It's Zelda's turn to ignore you now...

(Burn, affected by Zelda's words stops and thinks for a minute.)

Burn: (thinking) Oh...This is about yesterday. Nabooru was all over me...

Burn: I'm sorr....

(Burn suddenly stops.)

Burn: (thinking) Zelda has no idea what I've been going through! I could've been caught in the crossfire of an intergalactic battle! Wait, why do I have to apologize? I'm so lame. I'm apologizing while she's the one ignoring me.

(Burn takes his bow back out and begins shooting again. Zelda walks away. Meanwhile, up on top of the bridge, Saria is walking down the sidewalk and talking on a cell-phone.)

Saria: Was that our promise? Go ahead and have dinner with my father!

Voice from the other End: But I don't want to cause any problems.

Saria: (thinking) But you're his favorite secretary...Fine.

(Saria hangs up. She notices two boys across the street.)

Boy #1: Hey, who's that? He shoots archery?

Boy #2: He goes to our school. His brother was good, but he sucks.

Boy #1: I see... I didn't know he wasn't any good.

(Saria walks across the street and looks down towards the river. Burn is down there. He suddenly drops his bow and sits down on the ground.)

Saria: (thinking) Don't give up yet. Just pull the string back...

(All of the sudden, Zelda runs up from behind Burn and throws her arms around his shoulders.)

Zelda: (softly) I just wanted to say, "I'm sorry."

(Burn begins to look up. He spots Saria, staring at him from on top of the bridge, With her hair blowing in the wind.)

Burn: Saria?

Zelda: Huh? You know her?

(Zelda looks up at her.)

Zelda: hmmm...It's cute, her looking down at you like that.

Burn: She's the mayor's daughter. That's what she does.

(Saria stares for a few seconds, then yells down at Zelda.)

Saria: CHILD MOLESTER!!

(Saria begins to laugh at herself. All of the sudden, Nabooru's voice rings out from somewhere nearby.)

Nabooru: DID YOU JUST CALL ME A HOMOSEXUALALLY CHILD MOLESTER?!

(Saria turns to see Nabooru riding her pony down the bridge. She draws her guitar and flies at Saria. Saria ducks and Nabooru goes off the road, landing in the river.)

Nabooru: I'M NOT GAY! I'M JUST WET!

Burn: (thinking) She laughed at me...

Zelda: (thinking) Child molester?

Nabooru: (thinking) That girl is hot...too bad I don't have the tool.

(Nabooru swims around I the river humming the Jaws theme. Bern tosses Zelda off of him and picks up his bag.)

Burn: (annoyed) I'm going home...







(Nabooru is standing in the middle of a dark room, wearing a sombrero and a poncho. Suddenly a spotlight shines down on her. She whips around and begins doing a little dance. Behind her, Link and Rauru, also in costume, begin shaking maracas. Nabooru begins singing.)

Nabooru: Children behave~! That's what they say when we're together~!

(Zelda and her cat are standing in the middle of a field. Zelda looks tired as if she's been running.)

Nabooru: Trying to get away in the night~!

(Burn is walking home. A huge fire blazes far off in the background.)

Nabooru: And we tumble to the ground and then you say...

(Burn stops in front of his house, where he hears the singing.)

Burn: (thinking) Karaoke?

(Nabooru's singing stops. Rauru's voice suddenly starts.)

Rauru: C'MERE LITTLE KIDDIES ON MY LAP GUESS WHO'S BACK WITH A BRAND NEW RAP AND I DON'T MEAN RAP AS IN A NEW CASE OF CHILD MOLESTATION/ACUSATIONS~! AH AH AH AH AH! NO WORRIES PAPA'S GOT A BRAND NEW BAG OF TOYS WHAT ELSE COULD I POSSIBLY DO TO MAKE NOISE I DUN TOUCHED ON EVERYTHING BUT LITTLE BOYS! THAT'S NOT A STAB AT MICHEAL THAT'S JUST A METAPHOR I'M JUST PSYCO I GO A LITTLE BIT CRAZY SOMETIMES I GO A LITTLE BIT OUT OF CONTROL WITH MY RYHMES~! GOOD GOD DIP DO A LITTLE SLIDE BEND DOWN TOUCH YOUR TOES AND JUST GLIDE TO THE CENTER OF THE DANCE FLOOR LIKE TP FOR MY BUNG HOLE AND ITS COOL IF YOU LET ONE GO NOBODY'S GUNNA KNOW WHO'D HEAR IT GIVE A LITTLE POOT POOT ITS OKAY!!!

(Rauru suddenly lets out a fart. Everybody in the house starts screaming and coughing.)

Rauru: OOPS! My CD just skipped~! And everyone just heard you let one rip...

(Burn turns around and walks away from the house.)

Burn: (thinking) My brother was smart and had talent. So he left home.

(Burn walks by some old ladies by the street. They are pointing at a house.)

Old Lady #1: Look, It's Gannon-san's house. Scandalous!

Old Lady #2: Random women coming in and out...Disgusting, don't you think?

Burn: (thinking) Look in the mirror, you old biddies!

(Burn remembers something his brother said. "Hey, you can look at it the other way, too.")

SSSSPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLOOOOOOORRRRRRRRTTTTT!!!!!!!!

(Burn eyes widen as he realizes what the sound is. He runs over to a mirror, but before he looks, he turns to the sound of footsteps. Canti (TV-kun, in case you didn't realize), is walking down the street.)

Burn: He's here...is he coming from the fire? He looks happy to see me...

(Burn turns around and looks in the mirror. He stares at his reflection, which has two zit-penises!! One is coming out of the front of his head, and the other sticking out the back. They are soft and pointy this time.)

Burn: AUGH!! It's growing again! I can't stand it! ........God, I have three peckers now!
SWWWWWWEEEEETTTTTTTT!!!!!! I gotta go find Zelda!
2-e by Burn
ZLCL
Chapter 2-8

(Meanwhile, Dirty Joe and Mido are watching TV at Burn's house, waiting for him.)

Dirty Joe: What are you watching?

Mido: Yoda on Weed.

Yoda: (on TV) Good this stuff is. Gives much buzz to Yoda it does.

Dirty Joe: Change the channel.

Mido: (pushing buttons on the remote): HOW THE HELL DO I WORK THIS THING?!!

Dirty Joe: WTF? Give it to me!

(The Secret Life of ET comes on.)

ET: ET... Phone Hos...

(Dirty Joe turns on the news comes on.)

Reporter: A huge fire is blazing downtown, believed to be the work of a serial arsonist.

(Mido jumps up.)

Mido: We're going there. Come on.



(Burn is watching the fire when Dirty Joe and Mido show up. He's wearing a weird ski hat.)

Mido: Hey, Burn! Did we miss any of the action!?

Burn: It's been a long time since I've seen a fire like this.

Dirty Joe: Huh?

Burn: When the old schoolhouse burned down... I was there with my big bro.

(Burn remembers standing with his brother by a different fire.)

Dirty Joe: Hey, it's your wife! What a weirdo!

(Zelda is standing a few yards away playing Fire Starter. Burn begins listening to the crowd speaking.)

Random Person 1: Arson? And a disused schoolhouse?

Random Person 2: (points at Zelda) Look! Who's that?

Random Person 1: The girl?

Random Person 2: She looks suspicious.

Random Person 3: She looks like a whore.

(Burn hears Mido yell.)

Mido: Look, it's the robot!!

(Burn turns behind him and sees Canti. He is wearing a kimono that smells strangely of marijuana.)

Burn: Canti! Quit goofing around! Let's go home!

Mido: His name's Canti?

Dirty Joe: Is he high?!

(Burn turns to see Zelda walking away. Later, he, Dirty Joe, Mido, and Canti are walking home.)

Mido: The bot's cool, Burn.

Burn: Whatever...

Dirty Joe: Oh yeah, why weren't you at school today?

Burn: Well...

Mido: Teach was worried. Did she call your house?

Burn: I dunno...

Dirty Joe: What's under the hat?!

Burn: DON'T TOUCH THAT?!

(Dirty Joe pulls the hat off of Burn's head. Burn stares up at Joe and Mido with a blank look.)




Dirty Joe: What is it?

Mido: What did your dad say?

Burn: I'm not showing my dad!!

(Mido and Dirty Joe are in Burn's bedroom, poking his "horns". Burn looks frustrated.)

Dirty Joe: You should talk to your dad more.

Burn: Shut up! Just leave me alone!

Mido: Does it squirt?!

Dirty Joe: It's soft, gross!!

Burn: I've just had... a lot of... things on my mind. It's stressing me out.

Mido: Just color it like your hair.

Burn: I think I'll go to the hospital by myself.

Dirty Joe: Hold still!!

(Dirty Joe pulls out a sharpie and starts to draw on the horn.)

Burn: You guys... you can't understand how hard it is...

Dirty Joe: Look at yourself!

(Dirty Joe holds up a mirror. The horn has a smiley face on it. Burn hangs his head down low.)

Mido: Is he mad?

Dirty Joe: (looking at Burn) Nah, he's smileing.

Burn: (busting out laughing) SHUT UP! WHAT DID YOU DO?!!

(All three boys are laughing their asses off. Burn is beginning to cry.)

Nasal voice from nowhere: To be a boy is to be a fool. And to be a fool is pure bliss...

Dirty Joe:..

Mido: Who's that?!

(Dirty Joe and Mido sit there staring around the room blankly. Burn is still laughing. Nabooru suddenly leaps out from the closet, dressed in a biker outfit.)

Nabooru: NUAGHTY BOY BEWARE!!! KSHAAA, KSHAAAA, KSHAAA!!!

Mido and Joe: (jumping backwards) AHHHHHHHH!!!!

Burn: (still laughing) What are you doing here?

Nabooru: I didn't scare you?

Burn: I really don't give a crap anymore. Whatever.

Dirty Joe: (hiding in corner with Mido) WHY, BURN?! WHY, WHY, WHY?!!

Mido: THE GERUDO JUST JUMPED OUT OF YOUR CLOSET!!

Burn: (winking) Yeah, she does that sometimes.

Mido: ARE YOU BRAGGING?!!

(Nabooru suddenly flicks out a forked Gene Simmons tongue. Mido stares at her.)









Link: Burn-kun! Telephone! It's a girl, that's my boy.

(Link hands Burn the phone and walks out the door.)

Link: And your teacher called yesterday, too. I told her you ditched. If you don't learn how to handle social problems at school, how can you handle them in real life? The best thing I can do as a father is to protect your head from the filth that's in mine. Well, talk to your little girlfriend, and let me know how it goes... son.

Zelda: (on phone) Your home? I'm at the river.

Burn: I can't. I have somewhere to go.

(Burn hangs the phone up and Nabooru comes up behind him.)

Burn: And I look like a dork.

Nabooru: I thought you didn't give a damn.

(At the river, Zelda puts down the phone and looks up. For some reason, Canti is standing there. Zelda thinks of Fire Starter.)




(Burn and Nabooru are in an empty hospital room. Nabooru is dressed as a nurse.)

Nabooru: Ah, this is a case of ZLuctonick CLipple Waver Syndrome.

Burn: Huh?

Nabooru: A purely psychological adolescent epidermal-ossifying syndrome. You know, children growing horns from their head due to stress. It's a common affliction.

Burn: What the hell?!

Nabooru: (holding an x-ray of Burn's head) Ok, Ok, I made that up. But look at this.

Burn: My brain's missing?!

Nabooru: Yes it is. Haven't you noticed how sensitive you've been lately?

Burn: I guess I'll have to take your word for it.

Nabooru: That's right. Just accept things the way they come. That's the Gerudo way of life. No matter how much of a pain in the ass that horn is going to be.

Burn: Wait, a while ago, you said it was a penis?

Nabooru: IT IS A PENIS! MUHHAHAHAH!

Burn: YOUR CONFUSING ME!! Wait, if I don't have a brain, what am I thinking with? And who's thinking what I'm thinking? And what am I thinking? Or who am I if I'm not thinking my own.... ARRGH!!

Nabooru: You said you'd take my word for it, so do it! That horn is a portal to THE PENIS OF A ROBOT CAT!!!

Burn: WHAT THE HELL?! THAT'S JUST SICK!!

Nabooru: THRILLLLLERR! OWW!

Burn: So I'm part machine now?

Nabooru: No, you're only part of a robot.

Burn: That doesn't make sense... I don't believe you! You're a big fat liar!

Nabooru: (smiling) It's like this, Takkun. You're my slot machine. I have to keep pulling and pulling till I hit the Jackpot.

Burn: So your just gonna hit me over and over again until you... kill me?

Nabooru: Naw... I don't want you dead. I don't want you alive, either. I'm just going to slowly DRAIN THE LIFE OUT OF YOU!! MUHAHAHHAH!!...... Just kidding. I won't hurt you. :)

Burn: You said that last time... then I got attacked by that hand thing...

Nabooru: Look out the window.

(Burn walks over to the window and looks out. A cop is standing out on the street.)

Nabooru: The enemy's so close, we can't even see it.

Burn: The feds?

Nabooru: You want the truth, I'm not a real nurse.

(Nabooru tackles him for no apparent reason.)




(Burn and Nabooru are driving down the road on Nabooru's motor horse. Nabooru is now wearing her normal leather vest and scarf.)

Burn: How long will this horn stay?

Nabooru: It'll just fall off eventually... I think.

Burn: (angrily) Oh, is that the truth, too?! Slow down!!

Nabooru: (accelerates) Whooooooo, Hoooooo! Isn't this fun?!

Burn: (thinking) I guess it is kind of fun, since my head is empty.

(They suddenly fly off the road, busting a huge hole in the guardrail. They begin to fall toward the ground, far below.)

Burn: YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!! WHAT NOW?!!!

Nabooru: (smiling) Were both falling from the sky together.

Burn: YOU'RE DRIVING SUCKS!!

Nabooru: I couldn't see the road past your horn.

(Burn's vision suddenly flashes an image of Saria, Dirty Joe, Mido, Zelda, and Link, all being swirled together like a Van Gogh painting.)

Burn: Huh? Weird...

Nabooru: It's starting.

Burn: Am I dreaming?!

(The image suddenly turns into a fire. Burn can see a younger version of himself and he hears his brother's voice.)

Young Burn: Was that a real fire, Brother?

Kafei: You're safe now, Zelda. Don't cry. Hush... don't cry.

(Burn snaps back to normal.)

Burn: What the hell did you do to me? This thing is cuasing visions.

Nabooru: Shhh... Pay attention! Look over there!

Burn: Zelda?!

(Zelda is sitting down in front of an old rickety shack. She is holding a piece of flameing newspaper. She set's it down and runs away.)

Burn: She set the...

Nabooru: Yep.

Burn: Zelda... It's her! She's the arsonist!

(Burn stares for a moment.)

Burn: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!

Nabooru: Don't loose your head. Speaking of which, you better watch out...

Burn: SHIT!

(Nabooru lands safely on her feet, while Burn smashes head first into the ground. He is halfway buried with only his legs sticking out. Nabooru looks behind her, as strange root-like growths spurt from the ground. Burn's body suddenly begins to move away from Nabooru. She sees the horn with the smiley face sticking out of the ground. She pulls out her guitar and hits it. Burn's legs suddenly go stiff.)

Burn: AUGH!!

(Burn goes limp again. Nabooru stands to the right of Burn, and Zelda suddenly runs up and stands to his left.)
This story archived at http://www.kasuto.net/efiction/viewstory.php?sid=839