In the Sacred Realm which needs some serious refurbishment, and maybe a few chairs.
Ganondorf: Haha gee thanks kid I owe you a lot.
Link: Sweet I'll take cash.
Ganondorf: Well what I meant to say was I will let you live (Under his breath) For now. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cough cough splutter* Oh man I need to see my doctor about this asthma problem.
In the Chamber of Sages 7 years later
Rauru: (In a deep and dramatic voice) Wake up, Hero of Time.
Nothing happens. Rauru sighs and throws a cukoo egg on top of the sleeping Link, which cracks open and a cukoo pops out, and squawks in his ear then runs away falling off the fountain thus falling into eternal darkness.
Link: ARRRGH!-(Checks watch) -Whoah look at the time!...Look at the YEAR! How long have I been asleep?
He jumps up. Rauru looks on him dotingly and shoves bagels into his hands, as well as a mug of coffee. Link struggles and stares at Rauru
Link:…who are you?
Rauru: I am Rauru, The Sage of Light
Link: (Mouth full) Well… nice to meet you (Drops his coffee) Whoops
Rauru: AUGH (Quickly grabs a bottle of Hylian Spot Cleaner and some rags and starts scrubbing) Oh no, oh no, oh no, my beautiful Triforce shaped carpet Carpet!
Link: (Swallows mouthful) Dude, it’s just carpet! Rauru: (Gets up angry) It may just be carpet to you but to me it's my life. I mean, Hey I designed the Chamber of Sages! *glassy eyes* waterfall and pillars… genius!
Link: (looks around, unimpressed) Could do with some chairs (Quickly spots Rauru's murderous look) You know to uhhh admire its tasteful view.
Rauru: Thank You Link. (Gives Link a kiss on the cheek)
Link: (steps back) …Whoah Hey. What the Hell was that!?!
Rauru: Oh *ahem* that is an old Royal Hylian Tradition. (Link overlooks the fact that Rauru is neither royal nor Traditional)
Link: Right, cos in the Kokiri it's just a quick ass squeeze and we're on our way! Well Mido did that to me and whenever I did it to anyone else they would slap me or beat me up or call out Rape.
Rauru: (Checks Link out, Link stands there looking slightly worried but is ready. Just in case) Oh no those clothes won’t do. They are so 7 Years ago!
Link: What?! My Kokiri tunic is like a total babe magnet and the Symbol on the Deku Shield, Totally Chic. Rauru: With all greatest respect it’s totally grasshopper. I wouldn't be surprised if you rubbed your legs together and made my hair curl with the noise you would make. Plus you've grown, so every time you bend over we get a flash of your ………..*ahem* anyway. Come with me.
Several Minutes later, Link walks out fashioning his Adult Link outfit
Link: (Looks in Mirror) Whoah, Rauru you are a Genius (Starts shaking his butt in the Mirror) I look hot.
Rauru: Yeah, you sure do (Starts blushing)
Link: ……………..Right. Hey where is Navi? I'm pretty sure she'd have something to say about Age Difference meaning everything!!! (Rauru ignores these hints to stop coming on to Link, as "subtle" as his advances are..)
Rauru: Oh your fairy! Yeah, she is around here somewhere. While you have been frozen in time Navi wasn’t. She has stuck by your side like a companion should.
Link: Oh man. She's gonna give me such a headache…
Rauru: I'm sure she won't! She's been keeping herself busy with crosswords to pass the time, well, just the one. She's been on the same one all this time. Link: Well there isn't much room for a brain in that tiny frame of hers…
Navi enters in tears, Link cowers, scared that she's going to be crabby from seven years waiting for him to get off his ass and save the world, but she doesn't even notice him.
Navi: Rauru! (Flies up to Rauru and grabs a fistful of clothing, on a normal sized person it would've been a pinch of clothing, but let's not go into conversion…) I'm on my last word and have been for two years ITS DRIVING ME MAD. Can you help me? It's a four letter word and its clue is "The ____ between chains"
Rauru: Ummmmm Link?
Link looks startled, and then suddenly empty looking (a blonde moment, no doubt)
Link: Urm…I'm not that good on Logic, as much as you've heard about me getting through all of those temples, it wasn't actually me…I used a walkthrough... (Bows his head in shame)
Rauru: (Raises an eyebrow) You think I didn't know that? I first got my suspicions when I heard about you mistaking The Great Deku tree for a shrubbery the first time you went to see him! Anyway, I wasn't asking you! You think I'm a complete nutter? The ASNWER is Link.
Navi: (Suddenly angry) WHAT!? I HAVE BEEN FIGURING IT OUT FOR TWO WHOLE YEARS AND THE ANSWER WAS SHOVING ITS UGLY HEAD IN MY FACE!
Link: Hey! I'm the Hero of this damned RPG, it's compulsory that I am good looking- you think they'd cast someone like that Magic Bean seller for my part?
Rauru: Probably. We had to cut our budget and he was the only one who would do it for free.
Link: Dammit. Well if that’s the case, I quit.
Rauru: Oh.... no we are still paying you. However you can only access it after you turn 21, kind of like a trust fund.
Link: Oh that is a relief. I thought you were lying about me not getting paid.
Navi: *ahem* Do you mind if I get back to what I was doing?
Link: Oh right. You are still here.Rauru: Go Nuts.
Navi: AAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH (Slaps Link in the face as she passes in a flourish of glitter as she furiously scribbles "TWIT" instead of Link's name in the crossroad)
Rauru: I was only joking.
Link and Rauru struggle to not laugh, and Link quickly sobers up as Rauru tries to hug him.
A minute later.
Link: (Brushing off his clothes from where Rauru had touched him) Sooooo……………. why was I frozen in time?
Rauru: OH that's right. Well someone left me a note, something about you saving the world, it being your destiny to conquer the greatest evil imaginable- SOMETHING along those lines. But well I got tired of waiting seven years and basically you became a tourist attraction as you grew older and sexi- *ahem* anyway we put up big signs out the front gates saying ‘COME SEE THE AMAZING ELF FROZEN IN TIME.’ We had the whole Theme Park going on but the last two years were a bit of a drag so I just said “Hey I’ll just let him go.” Anyway I got some snap shots… (Hands link some photos)
Link: (Link flicks through some photo’s with people pulling bunny ears over his head and shoving fingers up his nose) Well looks like SOME of them captured my good side. Hey what’s this (Link pulls out a photo of Rauru wearing a Man thong) Ummmmm. Well………….Umm Navi what do you think?
Navi: (Takes the photo out of Link’s hand and takes one look at it and starts flying around like mad laughing before smashing into a pillar and the photo falls into Links hands once again except he notices a message on the back)
Link: (Snatches the photo from Navi and reads ‘To Link. Hope you like this photo I took it just for you. Love Rauru XOXO and there was a lipstick mark on it.) Ummm Rauru. What. Is. This? (Shows Rauru the Photo)
Rauru: (Rushes) THAT’SFORMYOTHERFRIEND!!! *ahem* (snatches picture away, and tucks it in his robes, in the place above his hair) For Link uhhhh you know Link from uhhhh Kakarikko Village she is a girl if you should know (Shudders after saying the word Girl, then a tube of lipstick falls from his sleeve. But he quickly gathers it up.) Link: (Suspicious) Right. The less questions are answered the better.
Rauru: Anyway-more important matters.
Several Minutes Later
Rauru: ………Well that should just about do it.
Link: (Sits there thinking for a minute) Haha you idiot (Link moves a Bishop to Checkmate Raurus King) CHECKMATE.
Rauru: NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I HAVE NEVER LOST BEFORE.
Link: You must not have played very much before have you?
Rauru: I have been playing for 50 Years online and have never lost before.
Link: OK then. When was the last time you played?
Rauru: Well uhhhhhhh.
Link: (Quickly jumps onto Rauru’s Computer which is covered in cobwebs and an inch of dust on the desk) Well according to this you last logged on 49 years 11 months and 30 days ago and that was only the tutorial. HAHA YOU ARE A LOSER.
Rauru: How did you figure out my password? Link: It’s simple it was ‘linkishot’. Also please don’t search up ‘Link Porn’ in google search again. I hate people who do that. Especially YOU. (Points at Rauru)
Rauru: *sniff sniff* Fine listen take this Medallion and get out of my sight. (Lifts arms and down comes flying the Light Medallion)
Link: (Lifts arms to receive it) Whoah. How does it work? Do I eat it or something? (Link gnaws the side of it) Wait a minute! This is Cardboard.
Rauru: Well since you’ve been stuck in slumber, our budget’s been cut, we’ve already had to use most of the solid gold to keep Ganondorf busy until you woke up! And it floated! That MUST mean it’s Magical.
Link: No its not, there is a piece of string attached to it (Yanks the String and looks up) Who’s doing that?
Navi: (Comes into view holding a piece of string) Damnit… I was hoping you wouldn’t realize- you do, after all, have the attention span of a moblin.
Link: ARGH! That’s IT! So far I’ve been perved on by a fat old guy, been discriminated for my costume design, been hit in the head by a pre-menstrual fairy, been tricked into thinking I had a chocolate coin to eat (brandishes cardboard medallion) and oh yeah! I’ve been forced to sleep for seven years so I have chronic BED HEAD! …also I’m being used as bait for Ganondork .. I mean Ganondorf, but girls will find that hot, I hope! The bed head on the other hand…
Rauru: I think it looks quite sex-
Link: STOP PERVING YOU OLD WARTHOG! (lunges at Rauru)
Rauru: AUGH (Quickly Sends Link back to Hyrule)
Back in the Temple of Time.
Link: ARGH! Damn perve magic…I shouldn’t have powered it even more by being irresistible…
Navi: (Pretends to be involved) Yeah let’s beat the stuffing out of him…savvy?
Link: (watches for a minute before pretending it never happened. The best way to avoid a mental pixie) …How do we get back into the Chamber of Sages?
Navi: Well it’s good to see you thinking about saving the world for one! (When in actual fact, Link just wants to sue Rauru for looking at him homosexually. Navi Thinks)………………….. Maybe we shove the sword back into the Pedestal
Link: Ok, let’s try that! Ya know Navi I’m starting to hate you less already.
Navi: (Blushes) Oh well I have been trying.
Suddenly there is a blinding flash
Link: AUUUGGGGHHHH (Shield his eyes) NAVI I HATE YOU.
Navi: (Also shields her eyes) IT WASN”T ME.
The bright light disappears and in front of the Pedestal stands Sheik
Link: Not meaning to be rude………….but who the hell are you?
Sheik: I have been waiting for you, Hero of Time.
Link: Here? (Gestures around cobwebbed old church) What are you- a priest?
Sheik: (Taken aback) Well when I say waiting… I mean gambling in Kakariko until Rauru sent me an email saying you were up- and how cute your butt is. That’s why I got here quicker than I would have…(tries to sneak a peak, but doesn’t have to try; Link does a quick twirl, accompanied by a wink. Until he remembers that Sheik is “apparently” a guy.) Link: Then why say you have been waiting when you haven’t?
Sheik: QUIET!!! I have yet to introduce myself…Look at me and my clothes with these pants riding up my crotch; they aren’t exactly ordinary are they? That means I am one of the last surviving Sheikah. (this means that all people who wear weird clothes are Sheikah…Like weirdest dressing person you can think of. For inspiration look in those magazines with those celebrities there is bound to be someone in there that looks stupid. Haha I just saw someone who looks stupid………….Oh whoops. Back to the story.)
Link: Wait what happened to Impa?
Sheik: (Suddenly regains mysterious voice) She is safe, Along with the Princess of Hyrule.
Link: OK so you’re not the last surviving Sheikah...(Sheik looks as if “he” is about to yell at Link, but Link cuts in) By the way what’s your name?
Sheik: Zelda (Catches self) ummmmSheik.
Link: ZeldaummmmSheik? Sheik: No, no just Sheik …(Pause.) I’m not Zelda.
Link: I didn’t say you were- Sheik: -Good! (shifty looks)
Link: Right then I had best be off-ya know I am the Hero of time and I do have to save Hyrule.
Sheik: Hmph. How you are Equipped? I don’t think you will be getting very far.
Link: Why do you say that?
Sheik: Because to enter the first temple were you should find the Sage of the Forest you couldn’t even enter the Temple without a certain item...
Link: So where do I get it?
Sheik: In Kakariko Village.
Link: OK then cheers.
Sheik: I shall see you later. (Throws down a Deku nut)
Link: AUGH I WISH THEY WOULDN’T DO THAT (Bright Light disappears and Link see Sheik still standing in front of him) Ummmm your still here.
Sheik: (Looks around) Oh right-the running! (Quickly runs towards the exit but trips over the Pedestal of Time)
Link and Navi: Haha what an idiot.
Later in Hyrule Field
Link: Ahhhh good ol Hyrule Field it’s not much different from before.
Navi: Neither is the Town Market.
Link: Except there are Re-Dead everywhere you turn trying to eat you (Looks down at his leg) Excuse me do you mind?
Re-Dead: (Stops chewing) Oh sorry (hobbles off- moaning)
Link: Hey look Lon-Lon Ranch is still there.
Navi: Let’s go have a look and see if the Ranch Owners can give us some answers about that item. Link: Yeah and maybe we can find the Sage of the Farm there. C’mon Navi lets go.
Navi: (Mutters to self) Egotistical Maniac…
Link: I’m sorry what was that?
Navi: Nothing, Nothing let’s just go see Malon. Shall we.
At the entrance to Lon-Lon Ranch, only “Lon-Lon” has been crossed out in black paint and “Ingo’s” has been put above it.
Navi: Ummmm Link?
Link: (Ignores Navi and talks to self) Hehe I wonder what line I should say to Malon when I see her.
Navi: .........Oh I give up.
Link: Well nothing has changed much since the last time we were here.
Navi: Except for the Fact the Horse Pen now has a gate.
Link: (Ignores Navi) Now where do we find that Sage. (Suddenly spots Epona because she is all red with some patches of white were we forgot to paint… Sorry) Hey look it’s my horse.
Navi: That’s not your horse! Malon just said it liked you. Link: (Still ignoring Navi) HEY HORSIE. (Jumps the fence and runs up to Epona and jumps on but is bucked off Epona and lands at Ingo’s Feet)
Ingo: Well, Well, Well. Who do we have here?
Link: (Quickly jumps up) I am Link, The Scared … I mean Sacred Hero of Time. (Under breath.) Damn you Navi for putting that in my head.
Ingo: Wait a minute. (Eyes widen as he stares at Link…’s butt.) Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?
Link: Ummm no, you must be mistaking me for some other God like creature. (dazzling smile as he looks up into the heavens.)
Navi: Oh god. Link: Yes. Navi: Oh Shut up you idiot.
Link: (Spots Ingo once again) Oh I am……
Ingo: (Cuts in) Works for me. By the way, how would you like to ride one of MY fine horses?
Link: Sure. Ingo: It comes at a COST though.
Link: *sigh* How much?
Ingo: 10 Rupees for a minute.
Link: That’s a steep rate! Mobile phones haven’t even been invented yet and you’re even worse now!
Ingo: Did I mention that you get to ride ANY horse you want. I tell you what, I will let you ride for free if you can tame that red horse.
Link: Sweet! (Pulls out Ocarina and Plays Epona’s Song and Epona comes cantering up to Link and he mounts Epona)
Ingo: …(all his hair falls out in shock and agitation) Well there’s something you don’t see every day.
Link: YAY I ride for free.
59 Seconds later
Ingo: My, my you are getting better. How about a wager? One lap around that course. 50 rupees?
Link: Sweet. You’re on.
So Link (Riding Epona) and Ingo riding a brown horse take off around the course. Link wins after throwing Deku Nuts, Bombs Bottles and cutting the straps in Ingo saddle..
Link: YAY 50 RUPEES FOR ME.
Ingo: Fine…double or nothing! If you win you….. you get to keep (Struggles with self) th……..that horse. (You’re probably wondering why he’s betting Epona when Link will so obviously win and he doesn’t want to- well people, he has a script to abide by. However, his acting skills suck.)
Link: Sweet! That’s a deal!
Once again Link and Ingo race around the Course. This time Link wins fairly this time.
Ingo: GGRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH I WAS GOING TO PRESENT THAT HORSE TO THE GREAT GANONDORF. (Regains himself) …HAHA!!! I did say you get to keep that horse. However… (Quickly Closes gates and locks them) I shall never let you leave this ranch.
Link: OK then. (Voice gets louder and louder as he says:) But you might want to get a higher gate- because Epona Baby and me are gonna JUMP IT!!! (Epona eats some grass while Link holds up his fist in triumph. He looks down at her, sighs and slaps her backside. Epona whines in a frenzy and bucks Link off and he goes flying over the gate.) Augh Damned Horse. I’ll kill it.
Ingo: (completely over dramatically) WWWHAT THE-?
Link: Time to return the favour (Throws a deku nut at Ingo’s feet, who jumps backwards to avoid it. It blasts open a random Cukoo pen and he lands on several of the Cukoos – uh oh..)
Ingo: (Gets up off the ground out of his Trance) Owwww my head. What has happened at this Ranch? Why am I …………. Oh no (Realises where he is and looks at the Cuckoos have all a demonic look in their eyes)
As all Zelda fans know Cuckoo’s HATE getting hurt so we’ll skip the blood bath. Anyway, all that needs to be said it- feathers flying, Ingo screaming, Inards flying everywhere cuckoos squawking. Graphic enough?
Link: Yay I saved the Farm from the Evil Boss “The Luigi look-a-like INGO” (Somewhere off in the distance Thunder starts to Rumble.) Now I can find Malon, Get the Farm Medallion and go on a hot date. Now where is it? (Looks around for the blue portal) Well that sucks now I have to walk and try to find her. Wait I know I’ll call Epona and we can find here easier. But first where do we find Malon?
Navi: Maybe she is in the Barn?
Link: (Ignoring Navi) Maybe she is in the Barn?
Navi: (bored voice) Sure, OK lets all just ignore the Fairy called Navi.
Link: Sure I can do that. I’ve managed to sleep through all your screeching for seven years, haven’t I?
Navi: (starts to scream, but all Link can hear is white noise)
Link: (Plays Epona’s Song and Epona come cantering up and knocks Link over) AUGH. Damn horse. When I’m done trying to find you I will kill you. (Mounts Epona and Draws out his sword and points it in the Direction of the barn and dramatically yells out) To the Barn Epona.
Epona: (In horse Language) I’ll kill him when we are done finding my Mistress. Hehe I know I wont move and I’ll make him walk the whole two steps to the barn. Good One Epona. Also I wont do easy things like go into Kokiri Forest, Go up to Kakarikko Village, Go into the Desert and Go into the Castle. He can get off his fat, lazy ass and do it himself.
Link: Come on Epona. Lets go. (Epona stays still not moving except her tail which casually flicks every so often). Augh damn horse now I have to walk the whole two steps to the Barn. That’s just pure evil right there.
In the Barn……..After two steps
Link: (Out of breath) I, don’t, see…… (Spots Malon in the Cubicle next to him and casually leans against the wall.) Hey baby. How have you been?
Malon: Excuse me who are you?
Link: (Strikes a pose) I’M the Fairy Boy remember?
Malon: I’m sorry I just can’t see it.
Link: What ?!? How can you not see it? I’m wearing my Green Tunic With my Trusty New Sword and Awesome Hylian Shield.
Malon: No I meant the Fairy.
Link: Oh. Right. (Pauses before reaching into his hat and ripping our Navi and throwing her above his head where she flies around.) Bear with me please. She IS annoying.
Malon: (Gets up, surprised) You are the Fairy Boy! You look too handsome to be the Fairy Boy I knew.
Link: Glad you see it my way. Although my way would be that I’m hot ALL the time. Oh wait I am already hot all the time (Mutters under breath) Good one Link.
Malon: (Steps towards Link) It is great to see you but-(Kicks Link in the Groin)
Link: (Bends down in pain) AUGH. WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
Malon: (With every word she punches Link in the gut) WHERE WERE YOU WHEN GANONDORF TOOK OVER HYRULE HUH? (Punches Link in the face) WHERE WERE YOU?
Link: (Regains himself) I was frozen in time.
Malon: Don’t give me the oldest excuse on the parchment! (Dumps the Milk bucket over Link’s Head) GET OUT.
Link: OK, OK I’m going (Quickly jumps out the door as a milk bottle smashes over his head) Great Malon hates me…! Let’s just hope Zelda doesn’t hate me either.
Navi: Don’t get your hopes up Link.
Link: (Rubs his chin) I wonder if she is as hot as me after 7 years.
Navi: Why does it matter?
Link: Or maybe she has gotten as Ugly as Ganondorf.
Suddenly Zelda and Ganondorf appear from nowhere and start to beat the stuffing out of Link.
Ganondorf: (With every word he punches Link)I….TOLD…..YOU…..NOT…..TO…..CALL….ME…..UGLY….I HAVE SERIOUS ISSUES OVER OTHER PEOPLE YOU KNOW.
Zelda: (With every word she kicks Link) HOW-DARE-YOU-REFER-TO-ME-AND-GANON-IN-THE-SAME-SENTENCE?!? ESPECIALLY-ABOUT-APPEARANCE!!!
Link: (Lying on ground with bloody nose and two black eyes writhing in Agony.) ………………………………………………………pain.............
Ganondorf: That should teach you.
Zelda: I hope you learned your lesson. (Disappears with a swish of cloak and a twinkle of a harp)
Ganondorf: NOOOOOO I HAD ZELDA WITHIN MY GRASP AGAIN AND I LET HER SLIP THROUGH. (Pulls out his Pink blanket and cuddles it) Calm down Ganny, Calm down Ganny.
Link: …………………!?. You have some serious issues.
Ganondorf: No I don’t (Disappears with a swish of cloak and a snort of a pig)
Link: Well that was weird, but Hyrule just seems that way after seven years. I KNEW my absence would have an impact! Maybe they should’ve realized what a pinnacle of sanity I was in this cold world, one that simply needed my presence, just to keep it within it’s wits…the realization of how you are the most important person in the world really is beautiful…(all this time, a violin quartet has been playing a sombre tune, and Link is now suddenly clutching a rose with tears in his eyes)
Navi: (completely oblivious to his moving and completely self-centred and big-headed prophecies) Haha you got beat up.
Link: How about you SHUT up.