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The Best PWP Evar!!!!!!!!3

Or All Right, Who’s the Wise Guy who Shaved the Otters?



When last we left Our Heroes, Impa and Nabooru had recently landed their brand shiny new private jet and were in the process of getting out, when suddenly, they finished getting out. What a shocking turn of events this was turning out to be.

There was a long boring greeting sequence in which everybody said hello to each other.

“Oh yeah, and Ruto was killed,” said somebody who was not Impa and who was not Nabooru and was not elsewhere.

From Impa and Nabooru came a stunned silence rather like that of a cow or giraffe, but that was quickly replaced by a great collective shout of “Wahoo! Yeah! All right! Yes!” and other sounds of merriment.

When they were done making merry (how exactly does one do that, anyway? Make merry, I mean. It’s not like it’s an actual commodity, something that can be made I guess it’s just one of those dumb ol’ sayings we all use.(Like “It’s driving me crazy.” Did we suddenly all start using pirate grammar or something? And what the hell is a “crazy” anyway?)) there came a strangled groan from under the aero plane. (Pretty funny way to spell “jet,” huh?). “Oh, ugh,” said the groan.

The groan, conversely, had come from our old friend the Ferry Operator, whose name doesn’t deserve to be capitalized. Nabooru, as reckless a pilot as an anything else, had landed on top of him. Serves him right, the lazy bum.

“What was that?” asked Impa.

“Just the guy who wouldn’t fix his ferry so we could get to Miami so we can go beat up Ganondorf,” explained Zelda.

“But Ganondorf has been missing since we came to the Magical City of Answers.”

Nabooru added, “I think he’s still at the airport back home.”

“Oh,” said Link.

Well, that was anticlimactic. What a surprise, given the recent trends.

“I said, ‘ugh,’” said the groan.

“Just a second!” snapped Zelda.

“My dad has been missing since then, too,” said Malon.

“I think I might have seen him in the baggage claim place in Elbonia,” replied Impa.

“Ahem!” said the grunt.

“What do you want!?” Zelda said.

“You kind of trapped this guy under you airplane, and now he’s dying.”

“Serves him right. Not letting us go to Miami.”

“Well,” said Nabooru, “we might as well get back to the Magical City of Answers.”

So they did.

Meanwhile, back at Hyrule International Airport…

“Hello?” wailed Ganondorf. “I’m lost! Help! Could somebody direct me to the bathroom?” The airport was empty since Hyrule was in a different time zone than the Ocean and you can’t let people into airports at night because that would give the coffee-mongers an unfair advantage.

Back in the hotel room, Link, Darunia, Impa, Nabooru, and everybody else were getting all hyperactive watching the highlights of the Rock-Paper-Scissors Olympics. Saria was hyper anyway, so she wasn’t watching, but instead was practicing the fine art of Tying-Up-Ruto-With-Barbed-Wire. Ruto was dead, though, and she was just practicing, so she was just tying up a mannequin with twine. What a silly sport.

That was when it happened.

An Evil Ninja Clown dropped through the ventilation shaft and hit Saria with a pie. Taking advantage of her momentary silence, blindness, and shock, the Evil Ninja Clown (Can I just call them ENCs? No? Fine, be that way.) grabbed her and tied her up with twine (ironic, isn’t it?) and carried her off through the ventilation shaft off to the point on the northeastern side of the building through which he entered.

The ENC (I’m calling them that whether you like it or not!) jumped into his tiny little Evil Ninja Clown Car, along with a few of his buddies who also had small children wrapped in twine, and they all drove off to their secret lair in the Jungle.

None of Our Heroes knew of this until the next morning, when Darunia (who had just finished throwing up since he had drank too many Cold Ones) noticed that Saria was missing, the mannequin was only partially tied up, there were Evil Ninja Clown footprints everywhere, and there was Lemon Meringue Pie Residue TM everywhere, and there was a ransom note in the sink.

“Hey, guys! Saria’s missing and I found a ransom note but I can’t see straight enough to read it!”

Neither could anyone else, it turned out. Cold Ones were not alcoholic, but they still gave you a hangover if you drank too many.

Within a few hours (hours that they would soon regret wasting) Zelda (who had drank the fewest Cold Ones last night) could read the ransom note (which the Evil Ninja Clowns had left) which had been left by whoever had kidnapped Saria (I can’t think of anything to put in these parentheses).

“It says:” (she read) “It loves losing: we cleared his kidskin. We are in guingla. Nobody he stupid legend to them. The small vacations twenty hundreds rupias inside unmarked rupias of the Tree in the Park, if you that you never appreciated not to examine them”

Nabooru, fortunately, was fluent in Total Nonsense. You had to speak it if you wanted to sell your stolen goods to the Stupid People Who Roam The Desert Looking For A Way Out Of The Desert. “Oh no!” she said.

“What? What does it mean?” said Link.

“Allow me to translate. Ahem. ‘Dear losers: we have kidnapped your kid. We are in the Jungle. No you idiot don’t tell them that. Leave twenty hundred rupees in small unmarked rupees by the Tree in the Park if you ever want to see them again.’”

“I’ve got twenty hundred rupees in small unmarked rupees right here in my pocket,” said Zelda, who was very rich.

“Then let’s get her back,” said Link.

They all got in Darunia’s truck (Link had to drive since Darunia still couldn’t see… or think… or anything hard like that) and drove to the Tree in the Park, which was an old war memorial on top of a skyscraper in the red light district. How they got the truck up the stairs I can only imagine. It’s kind of impossible, but it involves aliens with psychic powers helping them.

Zelda put the 2000 rupees there and they all went back to the hotel room.

The next day, they came back. The money was not gone, but there was another note. It said: “Hectar to hectar, we you betrogen! They are therefore stupid! Nonbrail above of the things of nenhumas! Hectar to hectar of Hectar! Hour we have its moneies and their small boy! Hectar to hectar of Hectar!”

Nabooru translated: “Ha, ha, we tricked you! You are so stupid! You stupid-head-people-things! Now we have you money and your small child! Ha ha ha!”

“We can’t let them get away with this,” said Malon.

“You’re right!” said Link. “We must go to the Jungle and rescue poor Saria from the clutches of these villains, whoever they are!”

So they got on Impa and Nabooru’s jet and flew to the Jungle.

During the flight, Link admired the stuff they had acquired in Elbonia.

“So, this big screen, it works up here?” he said.

“Does it ever!” replied Impa, whose turn it was to not drive. “Take a look!” Impa turned on the TV and it was the most amazing think Link had ever seen, except possibly some other things. The Boss’ late evil secretary comes to mind.

“Wow,” said Link after it was over. “That was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen, except possibly some other things. The Boss’ late evil secretary comes to mind.”

There was a sign, written in plain legible Hylian/English/Whatever language Our Heroes speak, and it said, “Evil Ninja Clowns’ Secret Lair, this way” and below that, in smaller letters, it said, “Chili supper 7 tonite!”

“Did that sign say chili?” said Darunia, who had a hungry man’s appetite.

“Damn right I did,” said the sign. “Now are you gonna pay me or not?” that last was to Link, who had asked the sign to shine his boots.

“Here ya go,” said Link, flipping the sign a quarter.

They all followed the trail into the Jungle to the Evil Ninja Clowns’ Secret Lair, some of them in hopes of finding Saria, others in hopes of finding chili.

Eventually they made it to the Lair. The Lair!

It was a plain brick building with a colorful tent next to it, and it wouldn’t have looked out of place in the suburbs. The suburbs! However, it was in the Jungle and it did look out of place.

Link walked into it, and found that instead of the usual hallways and stuff, they had ventilation shafts. Darunia was too muscular to fit into the shafts, so he was the lookout. That meant that if any ENCs came into the main room, he was to yell “Look out!” into the shafts and beat the stuffing out of the Evil Ninja Clown.

Link crawled first, followed by Malon, Impa, Nabooru, and Zelda, not necessarily in that order.

They passed the cafeteria, where the chili was being served, and Link and Nabooru were tempted to go get some, but they decided that Saria was more important right now. So they kept crawling.

Eventually they found the prison block, and they burst out of the ventilation shaft, and knocked out the guard, and they rescued Saria, and they left the other kids (let their own parents come and rescue them if they want ‘em that bad) and they went back into the ventilation shaft and Link and Nabooru said, “Wait a minute, we’re going to get some chili.” And so Malon and Zelda and Impa and Saria waited there by the ventilation shaft by the cafeteria while Link and Nabooru went in and took a few barrels and filled them up with chili, because chili is awesome.

They came back into the shafts with these big barrels of chili and they were just about to head back to the main entrance when Darunia yelled, “Look out!”

They kept on crawling since they knew Darunia could handle any ENCs.

Sure enough, they got out of the shafts, and Darunia was there, sitting on a wounded-looking Evil Ninja Clown. “What took you?” he asked.

“We got you some chili,” said Link.

“All is forgiven, let’s get back to the hotel room and eat some of that.”

There was a hearty wave of agreement.

They went down the trail back to their jet, and all this was being watched by a mysterious villain guy.

The mysterious villain guy, by the way, was the King of the Evil Ninja Clowns.

“They are more competent than I suspected,” said the King of the Evil Ninja Clowns.

“We can take ‘em, boss!” said the annoying little yes-man with a funny accent who was sitting near the King’s shadowy desk.

“Shut up.”

“Yes, boss!”

Line Break!

The hotel room was awash with the odoriferous odor of chili being eaten by a guy, four women, a Goron, an a little girl. This scent is a unique scent that can be found nowhere else in this or any other world and I think the Crocodile Hunter once did a documentary about it.

Two barrels full of chili is an awful lot of chili, you know. So everyone except Darunia and Saria (because both of them are either Gorons or have high metabolism, and whoever can guess which is which gets an official Not Stupid Degree, but you have to make it yourself) was all bloated and large the next day. Zelda couldn’t even fit in her dress properly; she had never known she liked chili so much. But then again, everybody likes chili. Everybody who’s not a blasphemer, at least.

Anyway, Zelda had difficulty fitting into her usual dress so she simply decided to stay in the hotel room in clothes that would fit her and wallow in depression and occasionally suffer extreme fits of flatulence, except that she wasn’t really depressed, just bored and uninspired and feeling lethargic. Once she considered going to the gym, but that was where Rauru was and he was a creepy old man. Maybe after he gets back, though.

Nabooru coped with the large amounts of chili she had eaten by spending all day on the toilet, and the next day she was as good as new, even if she did have a nasty cramp in her stomach.

Malon and decided that she was on vacation and shouldn’t worry about her weight.

Link took a quick walk down to the lobby to find a bathroom that wasn’t being used, but there were no such bathrooms in the lobby, so he came back and stood anxiously outside the bathroom until Nabooru was done, but by that time the effects of the chili had passed.

Impa was practical, so she went to the gym, where Rauru was, but as soon as she got there, she ran back in a panic.

She burst into the hotel room and shouted, “Rauru escaped from the gym!”

Everybody gasped, except Nabooru, who couldn’t hear over the disgusting bathroom noises she was making.

“We’ll… oh… worry about that later,” said Link, still standing around anxiously at the time..

The next day, of course, everyone had forgotten about it.

“I feel there’s something I was supposed to have remembered,” said Link that day.

“You could go ask the Boss what it was. He seems to be a nice guy, and I think he’ll help,” suggested Malon.

“He could get us some more of that chili, too,” said Zelda. She was becoming more obsessive about that chili by the minute. “I’ll pay for it if he wants.”

“I’ll be sure to ask,” said Link. “Come, Darunia! To the Boss!”

The Boss’s “now hiring” sign was still in the evil secretary’s chair when Link walked in. “What’s up, the Boss? Can we talk to Bill really quick?”

“Sure thing, guys,” said the Boss. “Bill!”

A bald, vertically challenged man wearing an appropriately sized silver suit walked out of Bill’s office. He was carrying a piece of paper, which read, “What can I do for you?”

Link said, “I was supposed to remember something Impa told me yesterday, but I forgot it, and I think it was important. Can you help me, please?”

Bill scribbled some words on the paper and it said, “Sure. Go and press the blue button on my desk. I’d do it myself but I made myself too short to reach it.”

Link walked into Bill’s office, which was a crazy, surreal place with the endless rows of doors with stuff floating in and out of them, like silver pillows and stuff. There was a desk in the middle, with three buttons on it. One was red, one was blue, and one was labeled “History eraser button” but the word “history” was crossed out. Link pressed the blue one.

A voice not unlike that of the Boss’ most recent evil secretary seemed to emanate from the walls. “Thank you for selecting the flashback button. Please hold while your flashback is transferred,” it said.

Eventually, it automatically wrote the following paragraphs:

----BEGIN FLASHBACK----

Impa was practical, so she went to the gym, where Rauru was, but as soon as she got there, she ran back in a panic.

She burst into the hotel room and shouted, “Rauru escaped from the gym!”

Everybody gasped, except Nabooru, who couldn’t hear over the disgusting bathroom noises she was making.

----END FLASHBACK----

“Thank you for using Flashback Pro. Please come again,” said the voice.

“That’s really cool, you know,” said Link.

“Comes with the job,” wrote Bill. “Anyway, I hope this helps.”

“Thank you.”

Just as Link was about to leave, he remembered something else. He turned to the boss. “Hey, the Boss, um, Zelda wanted me to ask you if we could buy any Evil Ninja Clown chili.”

The Boss was silent for a while. “You can buy it, but not from me. My organization is eternally at war with the Evil Ninja Clowns. I’ll admit they do have the best chili in the world, though. What were you doing that got you Evil Ninja Clown chili, anyway?”

Link told him the story of how he broke into their Lair and rescued Saria and liberated a few dozen gallons of the best chili in the world.

“What a story! I must tell it to my army,” said the Boss. “Any time you need help, just come ask me.”

“Okay.” Link and Darunia got in the truck and came back to the hotel room and explained to everyone what he had forgotten but now remembered.

“I guess we’ll have to go looking for him,” said Nabooru.

“I guess so,” said Link.

“Why?” asked Zelda.

“Because he escaped, and that means he was being persecuted and that means we have to help him because we’re the good guys,” explained Impa.

“I bet the Tibetan Hermit in Miami will know where he is,” suggested Malon.

“Let’s go then,” said Darunia.

“Can I come?” asked Saria.

“No,” said everyone else.

So everybody except Saria and Zelda (who volunteered to watch Saria) piled into Impa and Nabooru’s jet and flew off to Miami.

In Miami, there were a lot of swimming pools, and it was hot and humid, and there was a beach or two (dozen) and there weren’t a whole lot of caves, so a little bit of walking around under the searing sun produced results slowly. It was about three hours before they found the cave, but when they entered, they knew this had to be the cave if the Tibetan Hermit in Miami. For one thing, it smelled of yak milk, and for another thing, it was in Miami.

“Excuse me,” said Link, “we were told to come here because you know where everybody is.”

“…Yes,” said the Hermit, who was a small withered skinny old dud who was sitting cross-legged on the floor with his eyes closed.

“Can you tell us where this guy Rauru is?”

“…Yes.”

“Where is he?”

“…He is in… the Jungle.”

“Where in the Jungle?”

“I am sorry, you have exceeded your three-questions per party limit. Come again, not that it’ll do you any good.”

Link was angry, so he drew his sword and tried to kill the Hermit, who happened to be a master of an ancient form of martial arts so badass that it had no name.

Link was sprawled on the floor with a bloody nose before anyone knew what was going on.

“Have a nice day!” said the Hermit.

Link et al did have a nice day, because they spent all day relaxing on the beach. They spent the following night relaxing on the beach, too.

But the next day was not so nice.

Link woke up and he had a crab on his chest, but that was the worst thing that happened to him.

Malon woke up to find herself buried up to her neck in the sand with the tide coming in, bus as soon as Link got her out she had a pretty good day.

Impa woke up with her head buried in the sand, but that was the only bad thing that happened to her.

Nabooru found out she had been sleeping in a very uncomfortable position that she did not remember entering, but once the cramps subsided, she was just fine for the rest of the day.

Darunia woke up and found out that he was a Goron! He ran around screaming and then he got really embarrassed when he remembered he had always been a Goron. But aside from that he had a good day.

So what was I talking about?

Well, that very same day, the Stock Market dropped twelve points more than normal, and all the economists nearly peed their pants.

…What? That’s a bad thing!
Well anyway, Link and company flew to the Jungle, where they found a sign that said, “Rauru is in the Lair.”

There was a path by the sign, so Link naturally assumed he should follow it to get to the Lair of the Evil Ninja Clowns.

That turned out to be the worst choice he had made since he tried to befriend a spitting cobra.

The part wore on for miles and miles, and eventually they found a sign that said, “Middle of Nowhere, 15 km straight ahead.” That was when Link knew he had taken a wrong turn somewhere.

He led Our Heroes into the Jungle, off the path, and that was the worst choice he had made since he decided to follow the wrong path.

Fortunately, there were some native Jungle People who lived off the beaten path (please, please, please pardon the pun, I beg you!) and they knew where the Lair was. So they showed Link where the lair was.

He had been standing on it the whole time!

Wait, no. Hold on. I misread their sign language. That’s how the Jungle People communicate, don’cha know.

It was right over there.

Link thanked the Jungle People, and led his band all the way over there, where there was a secret back entrance to the Lair.

Link went in, and fortunately for him, there was actually a door, labeled “Office of the King of the Evil Ninja Clowns. Authorized personnel only.”

Link walked in, and his merry band followed.

“Where’s Rauru!” he demanded.

The little yes-man waddled up. “Rauru isn’t here, and neither is the King. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Authorized Personnel Only.”

“Take us to Rauru!”

“Make me.”

Link drew his sword, and that was all the persuasion Authorized Personnel Only needed.

Authorized Personnel Only led them out into the Jungle, and across a river, and through a lot of trees, and into the stomach of a gigantic jaguar (which Link had to kill) and then back out, and then through some more trees, and then up a tree, across a bridge, and down another tree, across an archery range, down a ladder, up a creek, through eighteen holes of golf, and then through a doorway, when finally Authorized Personnel Only said, “May I present, King Rauru of the Evil Ninja Clowns.”

I’ll just leave you to worry about how he got there, because I’m out of ideas for now. Have a nice day!


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