Just when you thought it was safe to go back online…
“I’m sorry, what?” asked Link. He was in the middle of the Jungle, where he had just been introduced to the King of the Evil Ninja Clowns.
The King’s tiny little yes-man, Authorized Personnel Only, repeated himself. “May I present, King Rauru of the Evil Ninja Clowns.”
“That can’t be right,” said Malon. “Rauru is short, fat, bald, and has a huge moustache! This guy is… well, he looks like the Boss.”
The King’s eyes bulged with anger. “Do not speak that name in my presence!”
“But—” said Link.
“Silence! Off with their heads!”
“Do you want to have your head cut off twice, peasant?”
“Is that even possible?”
“Do you want be the to find out?”
“Then be silent!”
Impa was about to protest when Authorized Personnel Only snapped his fingers and a couple burly guards with some kind of weapon came out of the trees (Not literally. It’s just an expression. Like, they were amongst the trees, and now they’re not, you know?) and handcuffed all of Our Heroes.
Nabooru, whose temper was always getting her into trouble, struggled, and as a result, they all got bludgeoned over the heads repeatedly (this took a while with Darunia) until they were all unconscious.
Bum bum bummmm!!!!!!!
An observer who was not unconscious, and actually there to see it, and therefore nonexistent, would have seen the guards carrying Our Heroes deeper into the Jungle, if the observer had actually existed, which is impossible since no observers were there.
Let’s take a break and check on the rest of Our Heroes, the ones who are not in the Jungle.
Starting with Ganondorf.
The airport was open now, so there were a lot of people there. Ganondorf was loitering in random food places and gift shops, hoping to see someone who looked more like someone he recognized than that one guy who was taking his family on vacation. That was certainly an embarrassing spectacle.
“Hey, Link!” called Ganondorf to the guy in green surrounded by a lot of other people. “Where were you?”
The guy simply turned, and revealed himself to be a fat, balding, ugly middle-aged man with a large extended family.
“Hey, you’re not Link,” commented the former King of Evil. “You’re a fat, balding, ugly middle-aged man with an extended family!”
The fat, balding, ugly middle-aged man with an extended family was now very angry.
Then some other stuff happened that Ganondorf did not remember because he had been distracted by a billboard he had not read, and he found himself in the airport’s security compound.
To this day, Ganondorf hoped that no one would find the bodies.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the airport…
“What a great sculpture this is,” commented Tourist #1, looking at the fine piece of artwork in the middle of a fountain in the airport.
“Yeah. Those corpses are so realistic. I would love to meet the artist behind this masterpiece,” replied Tourist #2.
Next, we’ll check on Talon.
Well, basically he had been sleeping in a canvas bag on a baggage claim carousel in Elbonia for most of the duration of this series.
Our old pal Ingo is next in line.
Ingo had been knocked out during the process by which Link dug up a room in Hyrule Castle, most of which was now packed in Zelda’s suitcases. He is now in the hospital and has been showing steady improvement, although he is still comatose.
I guess Ruto needs a turn, even if she doesn’t deserve it.
She is dead and buried, and the day of her death has been declared a national holiday.
Okay, she has been doing a great job of watching Saria, although her recently discovered love of Evil Ninja Clown chili sometimes left her preoccupied. This was odd; she had not liked chili before. I guess everybody has at least one certain kind of chili that they like, even if you hate all the other kinds, and you just have to find that one kind of chili.
Rauru is supposed to be next, but I’m not going to tell you about him just yet. That’s what the whole first half of this installment is supposed to be about.
I think that’s everybody… wait, update! Mido was taken down from the flag of Albania from which he was hanging by his toenails out the forty-third story window of the Boss’ office wearing nothing but leopard-print boxers. He has been escorted home, where he is once again bored out of his skull. Figuratively speaking.
Now, let us turn our attention back to the active party of Link, Darunia, Malon, Nabooru, and Impa.
They came to sometime the next week, maybe one day later, maybe six and a half.
“Oh, my head…” moaned Nabooru.
“Strange, I’m just fine,” said Darunia, whose head might as well have been made of lead, except that stuff is poisonous in large amounts, and it would mean he’s a robot, which certainly isn’t true. (Note to self: include “Darunia is robot” plotline in future installment.)
Malon and Impa both moaned and whined about their splitting headaches, and the nasty bumps on their heads, and other grievances.
“I hate you all,” said Link, who had been bludgeoned particularly hard, and had just spent the past 1-6.5 days laying unconscious on his sword.
“We’re sure you do, Link,” said Malon. She had gotten off easy by pretending to be unconscious until the repeated blows to the head ensured that she was.
“I think we’d better worry more about getting out of here than our throbbing skulls,” suggested Impa.
It was true, they were imprisoned. They were in a large room with nothing in it besides them. The outline of a single door, and the window in it were the only things that stood out from the maddening bright white of the walls. The walls in question did nothing to help Our Heroes’ heads.
“Can I smash the walls down this time?” asked Darunia. “Please?”
“Sure, whatever,” said Link irritably. “Just don’t be too loud about—“ he was unable to finish since Darunia had just then proceeded to smash down the wall opposite the door.
When the dust (and Link’s long string of curses) ended, where once stood a blindingly bright wall there now stood a hole to the outside world.
The part of the outside world to which the hole led was evidently a part of the Jungle, because there were some Jungley trees and bird noises, and there was a sign on which the words “The Jungle. No trespassing” were written.
“I guess we’re free then,” said Malon.
“I guess so,” said Nabooru.
“Ugh,” moaned Link.
“So what should we do, Link?” asked Impa.
“We should find me some aspirin or something,” said Link. “Oh….”
“So you’re saying we go back to the Magical City of Answers, rather than find the King of the Evil Ninja Clowns.”
“I’m saying we find me some aspirin.”
“Well, when I read the almanac last year it didn’t say anything about there being aspirin in the Jungle, but I know there’s aspiring in the Magical City of Answers, so I guess we’ll have to go there.”
So Our Heroes wandered around for minutes on end, with no food and no water, until they found the place where Impa and Nabooru had parked their private jet. By that time, Link’s health was deteriorating.
There was furniture on this jet (it’s really fancy, you see) so Link was lying down on a bed with an ice pack on his head, and Malon tending to his needs to the best of her ability, which did not do much, because all he needed was aspirin, and maybe could you turn off the lights a little, please?
At length the plane arrived in the magical City of Answers, and Darunia rushed out to find an aspirin store.
Darunia, however, did not know where an aspirin store could be found, especially this late on a Tuesday (if it even was Tuesday), so he simply scurried about looking for one.
During his search he passed a kindly old man who lived on the streets of his own free will. “Can you tell me where to find an aspirin store?” asked Darunia.
“The nearest aspirin store is on the other side of town. It’s a big building, kinda square, and with a sign that says ‘Aspirin-R-Us.’ Can’t miss it.
“Thank you very much.” And with that Darunia set off running, or at least walking as quick as he could, towards the Aspirin-R-Us at the other side of the city.
It took him a while, since the Magical City of Answers is a very large city, even if sometimes no people live there and sometimes they do, but eventually he found it: Aspirin-R-Us.
He burst into the store. “I need aspirin,” he said urgently to the guy behind the counter.
“Well, you’ve come to the right place,” replied the guy with agonizing slowness. “What kind of aspirin are you looking for?”
“I need the kind of aspirin you cure headaches with.”
“That would be… let’s see… lemme look that up for you…” the guy turned to the computer that he used to keep track of sales. “Hmm… headache aspirin… that would be on… aisle… 219. Wait, that can’t be right… there’s only 173 aisles… you know what, let me get my manager, okay?” Without waiting for a reply, the guy walked slowly off to a door that was also behind the counter.
Darunia sighed and looked at the signs on the ceiling that announced which aisle they were hanging over. Even if the merchandise had not been there, he still would not have been able to see the end of them. Of course, he was near-sighted.
With another sigh, he decided to go down the aisles and see what kinds of aspirin were on each aisle.
This also took a while.
The aisles, it turns out, were out of order, and they began numbering at number 174. It was towards the end that Darunia, very short of breath, read the sign that indicated that this was aisle 219, and it had the kind of aspirin that cure headaches. He grabbed an economy-size bucket, and lugged it back to the counter.
This took even longer.
By the time he brought it back to the counter, the guy who was there was just coming out of the manager’s office. “You want me to find you some, or—oh, you already got it.” Darunia put the bucket on the counter with a reverberating “whump.” “Let’s see… one economy size bucket of headache aspirin… that’ll be…” the guy took his price scanning device and scanned the barcode on the bucket.
A negative-sounding beep from the computer indicated that something was wrong. “Hum…” the guy tried scanning it again. And again.
This took even longer than the lugging it back to the counter. Eventually Darunia got fed up and gave the guy a handful of cash by getting it stuck in his mouth. “Keep the change,” said Darunia gruffly as he took the bucket and began to lug it back to where the jet was parked, all the way across town. He didn’t even stay long enough for the counter guy to say, “Fank oo, cun ageng.” (Trans: “Thank you, come again” in Somethingstuckinyourmouthese.)
It had been nearly two hours by the time Darunia returned with the aspirin. Link was now moaning almost constantly, and only Nabooru among those in the jet could bring herself to feel more annoyance than pity at Link. Three ice packs lay melted on the floor of the jet.
Darunia came in, and Nabooru immediately wrested the aspirin from Darunia’s grasp. He handed it to Link, who feebly opened the bucket and took out two pills. He swallowed them, and immediately he rose and said, “Oh, that feels much better.”
Darunia was appalled. “You mean I just lugged that huge bucket of aspirin all the way across town and all you needed was two?”
“You can never have too much aspirin.”
“I’ve been inclined to think you can.”
“Maybe so, but it’s always useful.”
“Now you’re giving me a headache.”
“I guess it’s a good thing we have this aspirin, then.”
“I guess so.”
“This is all well and good,” said Impa, “but what are we going to do about Rauru?”
“We’re going to ask the Boss and Bill,” replied Link.
Several minutes later, in the elevator in the Boss’ office building…
“Man, this elevator music is annoying,” remarked Nabooru. But then again, she’s easily annoyed.
It was a long elevator ride but eventually they made it to the Boss’ floor. The elevator doors slid open silently, to reveal a room decorated with skulls and painted with blood and with glow-in-the-dark action figures for light fixtures. In the center of the room was a black leather chair, whose back was facing the entrance. So the Boss had found a new secretary.
“Do you have an appointment?” said the new secretary in a very familiar voice.
“Yeah, the Boss said we could see him whenever we needed his help,” said Link.
The chair swiveled slowly around, and in it, stroking an evil cat (who was also new) was a bald, middle-aged man with an enormous moustache. He looked a lot like Rauru, except that Rauru was fatter than this guy.
“Link?” said the secretary.
“Yeah, that’s my name,” said Link. He was about to add, “And you are…?” but suddenly he had already said it.
“Why, don’t tell me you don’t recognize me!”
“Okay…” said Link. How to put this? He thought. “Um… I, uh… ah, forget it. I don’t recognize you.”
“It’s me, Rauru.”
“Oh.” Suddenly he saw it. “Oh!”
“Yes… so you wanted to see the Boss?”
“Yeah, we kind of did.”
“He’s in a meeting. Shall I tell him you came by?”
“Oh, no problem, Link. Thanks for taking me to the gym the other day, too.”
“Ah, it was nothing. You going to come back to the hotel when this is all done?”
“Nah, I got my own little room now, but thanks anyway.”
Our Heroes went down to the lowest level, to the lobby, where there were chairs. Darunia had brought a pack of cards, so they all sat around playing a game of Go Fish.
After a while, the following exchange took place.
“Got any threes?” asked Link, who was just about to win.
“Go fish,” said Malon.
Link was about to take a card from the top of the deck when a person from the front desk told him that the Boss would see them now.
They all got on the elevator, and Link sort of moped about how he was just about to win, but he was over it by the time they got to the Boss’ office.
The Boss was there. “So you knew my new secretary?”
“Yep,” said Link.
“I see. What can I do for you?”
“We met the King of the Evil Ninja Clowns, and he tried to have us executed, but we escaped, and we were told his name was Rauru, and he looks like you, what’s up with that?”
“Well, the King of the Evil Ninja Clowns’ real name is Louis XIV, but sometimes he likes to steal the name of someone important to the plot. I don’t know how he got to be King of the Evil Ninja Clowns. And as for why he looks like me…
“He’s my brother.”
There was one of those silences that happens when people sys lines like “He’s my brother” or “Please pass the mashed potatoes” or something like that.
“I’m sorry, what?” said Link.
“I said he’s my brother.”
“Oh, sorry. I thought you said, ‘Please pass the mashed potatoes.’”
“It’s an understandable mistake.”
“So is that why you’re at war with the Evil Ninja Clowns?” asked Malon. “He was jealous of you and he turned evil and you’re just protecting yourself?”
“Nah,” said the Boss. “Louie and me are good friends. We’re at war because I don’t like clowns, especially not the Evil Ninja kind.”
“Why’s he fighting against you then?”
“We’re both very stubborn.”
“I see,” said Link. “Well, I guess this solves the mystery of where Rauru was and what’s the deal with the Evil Ninja Clowns.”
“I guess it does,” said Darunia.
“Wait a minute,” said Impa. “They tried to execute us for mentioning your name!”
“Sometimes Lou gets a little… carried away.”
Impa accepted this explanation.
“Last time you were here, you said you wanted some of my brother’s chili?” continued the Boss.
“As a matter of fact, yes,” said Link.
“Hold on one moment.” The Boss turned to Rauru. “Rauru, get Louis XIV on speakerphone.”
“Yes, sir,” replied Rauru.
The sounds of a phone ringing filled the room, and after a while were replaced by the sound of the voice of the King of the Evil Ninja Clowns. “Hello?” said the voice.
“Hey, Lou,” said the Boss, “this is the Boss.”
“Oh, hey, the Boss. What’s up?”
“I got these people here who said you tried to execute them.”
“Oh, man. I’m sorry about that, it’s just that—”
“Don’t worry about it. But, ah, could you send me a couple barrels of that chili your boys make?”
“Oh, sure. No problem.”
“Don’t mention it.” There now was a sound of a phone being hung up.
“All right then,” said the Boss. “Your chili should be here in a few minutes.”
“Thanks,” said Link.
“No trouble at—” the Boss was interrupted by the deafening noise a phone makes when you leave it off the hook for too long. “Rauru! Hang up the phone!” he shouted.
“What?” shouted Rauru. “I can’t hear you over this noise that resulted of my failure to hang up the phone!”
“I said—here, lemme hang up the phone!” He did so, and the noise stopped. “You were saying?”
“If it weren’t your first week on the job, I’d say that this would be coming out of your paycheck.”
Rauru hung his bald head in shame. “I’m sorry, sir.”
“You should be.”
“Yeah, geez, Rauru,” said Link. “Not hanging up the phone. I mean, come on.”
The others then proceeded to mock Rauru maliciously, until the chili arrived.
A guy in a delivery uniform said, “Who ordered the chili?”
“That would be me,” said the Boss.
“Alright, then. Just sign here,” said the delivery uniform guy, handing the Boss a clipboard. The Boss did so, and the guy turned to the elevator, and said loudly, “Okay, boys, bring it in!”
A few other guys in delivery uniforms came it, each pushing a box-carrying devices with a barrel labeled “chili” on it.
“Okay, that’s all of it.”
“Thanks,” said Link.
At that moment, Bill came out. This time he was a little green happy-looking frog-like puppet with funny-looking eyes on top of his head. “Hi, guys,” he said in a rather unusual voice. “Need help with this chili?”
“That would be great,” said Link. “Thanks again, Bill.”
“Don’t mention it.”
Bill went into his office, and wrote the following paragraph:
Suddenly all the chili was transported back to Darunia’s truck, which was magically transported to the side of the road just outside the building.
Our Heroes (except for Rauru) went down the elevator and got in Darunia’s truck and drove back to the hotel room.
“We’re home!” announced Link as he strode into the hotel room.
“Welcome back,” said Zelda, who was sitting down in a chair, reading. It was late, so Saria was asleep. “Did you find out where Rauru was?”
“He’s the Boss’ new evil secretary.”
“Oh, that’s nice. Did you get the chili?”
“As a matter of fact, we did,” said Link, who now stepped aside to reveal Darunia pulling a few barrels of the chili into the hotel room.
“There’s… oof… a few more in the truck,” grunted Darunia. Seriously, this was a lot of chili.
“Let me help you with those,” said Zelda anxiously.
After a while, all the chili was in the hotel room and Zelda was glancing at the buckets hungrily from time to time while she and the group which was off solving the mystery of Rauru’s disappearance filled each other in on what happened.
“And that’s how our week went,” concluded Link at long last.
“That’s nice,” said Zelda. “Will you be wanting any of the chili?” she asked.
“Ooh, tempting,” said Link, “but I’m really, really tired.” He yawned for emphasis. “I’m going to bed. Good night, everyone.”
“Yeah, bed sounds like a good idea to me, too,” was the general consensus for everyone except for Zelda.
After everyone else had gone to bed, Zelda dragged a few of the barrels into the kitchen and sat down with all the necessary chili-eating devices, and began to satisfy her new-found addiction to Evil Ninja Clown chili, by eating it.
The next morning, everybody who had gone to bed the previous night woke up at exactly the same time, or at least came out of their rooms at the exact same time, and discovered something horrid at the exact same time.
They were out of towels!
None of them could take a shower! And believe me, it is an emergency when Link can’t take a shower and he’s in the same building as you. It happened to me once, and I still have nightmares.
So everybody except for Zelda (because she wasn’t part of the group we’re talking about here) went down to the lobby and, after a half-hour-long crusade involving a mystical artifact and more than a little slaying of monsters, finally found some towels.
Everybody took their morning showers (Not at the same time! Get your mind out of the gutter, sicko!) and then they came into the kitchen, where they received another unpleasant surprise.
Two of the barrels of chili were empty!
Of course, they still had a lot left, but that meant that either there was a thief or somebody was going to be very uncomfortable all day. Perhaps both.
They were just about to discuss this in an organized committee when they discovered a third unpleasant surprise.
Someone had left the TV on all night!
Technically, that’s not supposed to be a bad thing, but who knows what kind of subliminal messages they may have picked up during the night?
Well, anyway, they turned off the TV and sat down to discuss the incident of the chili, when they realized that Zelda wasn’t here. How could they have an organized discussion without Zelda?
So Link went into her room to wake her up, but when he opened the door, sleeping where Zelda should have been was a person who looked a lot like Zelda, except wider, and blubberier, and altogether not very attractive. This strange person slept with a contented, well-fed smile upon her face.
The person stirred and yawned. When she opened her eyes, she said, “Good morning, Link. Did you sleep well?”
“I did, thank you,” replied Link, “but who are you and why are you in Zelda’s bed?”
Now, this person somehow knew that Link had trouble seeing in the dark, so she said, “I am Zelda, silly.”
The strangest part about this is that she really was.
“Oh,” said Link after the shock of this had subsided. “Well, uh, we’re having a discussion about how two of our barrels of chili are empty, and we need you, so…”
“Oh. I ate it.”
“You did what?”
“I ate the chili.”
“But they’re almost as big as I am!”
Link sighed. “Well, I guess I’d better go tell everyone they had better stay off the bathroom all day…”
“No, thank you, Link. That won’t be necessary.”
Link’s expression turned to that of disgust. “You don’t mean you—”
“Of course not!” said Zelda.
“Don’t worry about it.”
“Okay.” Link walked back out into the room where everybody else was. “Yeah, uh, Zelda says she ate it.”
“Don’t worry,” said Malon, “We’ll stay out of the bathroom.”
“She said that wouldn’t be necessary,” said Link.”
“You don’t mean she—” began Impa, with an expression of disgust marring her already marred face.
“Of course not!”
“Then what—” said Nabooru.
“She didn’t say, but she also said not to worry about it.”
“Oh,” said Darunia. “Okay.”
“Well then…” said Impa after a while. “Who wants some of that chili?”
There was a chorus of “Me!”s and “I do!”s and “Please!”s. So they all went into the kitchen and had some more of that delicious chili. They didn’t gorge themselves this time, at least not all of them. Darunia’s appetite is so monstrous that it’s hard for him not to look like he’s gorging himself.
And that is where we’ll leave off for now. For future reference, Zelda hadn’t come out of her room by the time this episode ended.
Teh Best End Evar!!!!!!!!1