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"The Razor Sword Chronicles"The Razor Sword ChroniclesBy: Bob8939Note from the author: I apologize for my lame guestbook entry to everyone at Kasuto's fine site. Thank you, and rest assured that this fanfic is funnier than my last one, and (maybe;-) not as lowbrow. There is some *mild* cursing, but most of it looks like this:!@#$%^&*()_+| Part One: Of Slicers and Squids Prologue One day, in July 2013, there was this kid named Lex, who liked Zelda games, fanfics, and throwing his magic boomerang-type thing called a slicer. One day he was watching a tape of a WWF PPV because he missed watching it when it came out. (It was 3:00 AM.) The doorbell rang, and Lex got up to answer it. "Lousy Wixon Dixon..." he mumbled. On the way to the door there was the sword hanging over the mantle, same as always, except... Was it curiosity or fate that made Lex glance at the sword and notice how much it looked like the Razor Sword from Majora's Mask? "If only it-" knock! knock! "Oh well," sighed Lex as he walked to the door. "Wixon, what do you want-" he began, but stopped, for it was a fairy. "Lex, my name is Karota, and we need your help in Hyrule!" said the fairy. Lex, not buying it, said "I'm sorry, but we already gave you guys a check last week, and my mom's on vacation anyway. Come back in the morning, okay?" and shut the door. On the way back to the couch, however, he was stopped by the fairy. "Lex, come on. It's time to
go!" said the fairy, and with that Lex was teleported away to Hyrule.
Chapter One: Hyrule
"Okay, WHO THE HECK ARE YOU, AND WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?!?!?!" yelled Lex at the fairy (Or Karota, as they call her). "Lex, welcome to Hyrule," said Karota. "And like I said, my name is Karota, but you can call me Karo." "I don't get it," said Lex after Karo had finished explaining. "What about Link? Isn't he supposed to save Hyrule? And why am I polygonal?" "Lex, Link isn't here. And to stop being polygonal, you have to..." Karo mumbles something incomprehensible. "Karo, did you just say that to stop looking like someone out of Super Mario 64 I have to walk in on Zelda butt naked?! MAN you're sick! Now, if it were Impa or that cat girl from Outlaw Star..." "Lex, I said NOTHING like that! I said you'd have to find the VGA\EGA Interlock!" "Right, what'd I say?" "You said that instead you'd rather walk in on that cat girl...nevermind" "Hey, it's not my fault
Aisha's hot."
SCENE: HYRULE MARKETPLACE
"So, you actually slash
bushes to get rupees? Cool! But where am I gonna get a sword?"
"Lex, once we find that
VGA\EGA Interlock, the man there will give you a sword."
"Okay," So they kept
moving 'til they got there. "Hey! I'm not polygonal anymore!"
"Duh. Here's that sword"
SCENE: EN ROUTE TO THE EEL'S LAIR
"Lex, just WHY exactly
would I tell you to walk in on Zelda naked?"
"I dunno, that's just
what it sounded like."
"Besides, it's not ME
who'd do something like that. That's more Navi's or Tatl's thing than mine."
"Yeah, forsooth or whatever."
SCENE: THE EEL'S LAIR
Lex was standing outside
the eel's lair, thinking, Man, do I wish I had a Zora Tunic. No, wait,
I take that back. I hope they sell men's clothes where you get one.
Inside, there were nothing
but statue puzzles, which got Lex so pissed off that he powered up his
slicer and cut through the doors of each room after he screwed up the first
puzzle.
SCENE: OUTSIDE THE BOSS ROOM
Just before entering
the room, Lex saw a boss he'd never seen in the Zelda games. Karo said,
"It looks kinda like Aarghus and kinda like that Terminan Jungle Warrior
dude. You might need to know how to how to shoot arrows without a bow."
"How? Am I s'posed to
read this instruction manual or somethin?!?!"
"Well, duh!"
After learning how,
Lex charged his slicer and got his arrows ready.
SCENE: BOSS BATTLE 1:KRAHNJONAK
As soon as Lex entered
the room, Lex charged his slicer more and did a Grand Slicer to buy time,
so he could pop the bubbles floating around. Oddly enough, he only popped
one with his arrows, but the small slicers popped the rest. Angered that
Lex had destroyed his only means of defense, Krahnjonak charged and released
a HUMONGOUS energy blast, and, so it seemed, killed the hero with it. However,
he made the fatal mistake of getting to close to the "corpse", Lex released
a devastating energy bolt from most of his last amount of energy. Taken
by surprise, the sideshow freak cleanly fell, due to the fact that his
head had just been blown off.
Lex had won, but he
was sure to die...
Chapter Two: The Market NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: PSYCHE!! Are you really so crazy that you think I'd kill the hero off IN THE FIRST CHAPTER?!?!?! Come on! We now return you to your regularly scheduled story. Just then, a Heart Container fell and landed on Lex, reenergizing him. "YESS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!! I'VE BEATEN KRAHNJONAK! HEY! What's that??" "Oh, that, that's some sort of magic-meter-giving-item-thing. It's the Destruction of Evil talisman. Pick it up." "Ooooooooooooookay, this feels wierd." said Lex as he was teleported out of the dungeon. SCENE: HYRULE MARKET "Hmmm... I wonder where ya'd go ta get a Zora Shirt." "You mean tunic, don't you?" said Karo "Heck no, I ain't wearin' no skirt! I'm too- Oof!" said Lex as he bumped into an inn. "Who's the !$@#%$%^ moron who put a !$@#%$%^ inn in my damn way?! Well, whoe- hey, I can probably use this place as a base of ops! I hope the cost is on a monthly basis." "Hey! Lex! Listen!" "Geez Karo, you're worse'n Navi in OoT! What's your beef?!" "Well it was the only thing I could thinka to get your attention! You're s'posed to buy a Zora tunic!" "I already told you, I AIN'T WEARIN' NO !$@#%$%^ SKIRT!" "Well then i'll alter it once you buy one. THEN you can make this inn your Base of Ops or whatever." "Cool. Excuse me, my good man, but I'd like to purchase that Zora Tunic on display. 500 Rs, right?" "Yes, and thank you. Heheheheh..." Karo, "Whatever." SCENE: THE INN "YAWN! Hello, I'd like to rent a room, and i'll be needing it for awhile. YAWN How much per month?" said Lex sleepily, as it was night when he got back to the market from EEL'S LAIR in the first place. "200 rupies, monthly," said the clerk. "Thaank you. Oh, by the way, tonight's special is Squid Rings, and it's included with the room. You'd be cheating yourself not to get some of it before it's all eaten." "Okay. Hey, do you happen to know where the, uh, NEW...uh...oh! EEL's...ah! NEW EEL'S LAIR is?" "Yes, but you can't get there by night." "Why?" "Ask the author." "Okay. Hey, author, how come I can't to the NEW EEL'S LAIR by night? And how come the first two dungeons are both called EEL'S LAIR?" "Same answer for both.
'Cause I said so, an' if ya don't like it, lump it!" I said as I caused
a pair of shoes to clunk Lex in the head. "And if you want another random
object to clunk ya, just say so!"
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