New Fan Works
Old Fan Works
"Link's Bad Hair Days", chapter 1
Link's Bad Hair Days
An alternate story of Majora's Mask
Author's note: This story contains strong language, insane humor, and some lemony content.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Legend of Zelda and Conker's Bad Fur Day. Nintendo and Rareware own them respectively.
Summary: Our hero with an attitude takes a wrong turn in his quest to save Termina. Caught between it is a bunch of twists and twisted situations. He soon encounters bizarre characters (not from Hyrule, obviously) willing to help or 'not help' in his newfound adventure, including a bad-mouthed squirrel that cannot be judged by his cute looks willing to help his soon-to-be friend and lighten the mood of his boring saga. Armed with egos and bazooka-packed attitudes, Link and his furry partner try to stop the moon from falling by any, and I mean ANY, means possible. It'll not be easy as it looks, for somebody else is involved in the evil plot other than Majora, somebody who knows the furry squirrel very, very well.
Chapter One: Bad Luck, or Destiny?
"The grass is always greener on the other side."
"You don't know what you really have, 'till it's gone."
He was sitting alone in his favorite alehouse the Cock and Plucker. He had just ordered a scotch with no ice. He wore his favorite baby blue jacket, which was his recent birthday present from his parents. Ah, his parents.the jacket dug up memories buried in his mind. They used to give him extended lectures, pissing him off most of the time about alcohol and its drawbacks, and not to urinate in front of people. Ah, how he missed the old days.
It was a strange feeling; he hardly ever asked or thought about his parents. But he was really desperate now; there wasn't anybody else alive to ask or think about. The thought of that made him recall the events of yesterday; his bad fur day.
Possibly yesterday was the worst day of his life, or the worst day of anybody's life for that matter. One-by-one images of yesterday's incidents unfolded in his mind; losing his way home, battling zombies, fighting with a giant singing piece of shit, struggling with some teddy bears and cave men, helping some pee-brain shitheads along the way, and now he was the new king of these shitheads whether he liked it or not, having defeated their panther king. The crown on his head proved that he was their 'fearless leader'. All he wanted was to find his way home, and spend his time with his girlfriend Berri, or should we say his late girlfriend, for the fabled panther king had assassinated her.
That was the worst thing that could happen to a twenty-one-year-old female squirrel, and it was definitely the worst thing that had happened in his life, a life of a twenty-one-year-old male squirrel.
A single tear fell from his azure eyes on his red furry lap, as he tried to picture Berri in his mind; her silvery soft fur, her golden silk hair, her long sexy legs, and her cute beautiful eyes. Even though it wasn't really a deeply passionate relationship, he loved her dearly. But he didn't have the guts to tell her, afraid that she would reject him. Emotions and thoughts mixed and crashed in his mind as if it was a pinball game. He was lost daydreaming, until a loud thump slashed through the images of his mind.
"Why so glum chum?" the bartender asked as he put a bottle of scotch on the wooden bar.
"I prefer not to talk about it," he answered coldly, annoyed at the subject.
Seconds turned into minutes and minutes turned into hours, and he kept drinking and drinking nonstop, until he decided that he had had enough. He exited the alehouse, only to find that it was raining. He looked up at the sky as he heard a loud thunderclap, and saw the lightning strike rapidly, brightening the night sky.
"Another bad night," he said as he walked on the
mud roads like a lost child. Drunk and drowsy, he was making his way back
to his castle, hoping that he was taking the right path.
Loud noises could be heard throughout the big town. Obviously, the noise was coming from the milk bar named Latte, which lay towards the east.
The bar was packed with Nintendo characters, and a lot of them were drunk from drinking 'Château Romani', a very popular drink between the townsfolk of the unnamed town [The main ingredient was milk mixed with very strong alcohol]. It seemed that the crowd were very anticipated about something, or to be more specific, they were waiting for someone. Most of the crowd was looking out the windows, and there were a few lookouts on the roof too. From the looks of things, the Nintendo characters were growing more impatient by the second.
Suddenly, the wooden doors flung open, and out stepped a shadowy figure, his eyes and ears observing the now silenced crowd. The anticipation of the Nintendo crowd grew bigger and bigger with each step towards the light. It was a matter of moments until the mystery figure was unveiled.
The bar lights shone on a handsome fifteen-year-old boy, standing tall right behind the entrance. He wore a green tunic with a matching cap and brown boots. Strapped on his back was his sharp double-edged sword. The boy was handsome indeed, for his blond hair was what women adored the most.
The crowd enchanted his name: "Link! Link! Link!" Ah yes, how it feels great to be loved, he thought as he smiled suddenly. But that smile didn't last but a few moments; the crowd gathered around the lad frantically squeezing his small body to death. It was turning into a riot until a loud voice spoke out, halting the ruckus instantly:
"Hey guys! Give Link some room here! We don't wanna choke him to death, not after three days at least!" The Italian-English accent echoed throughout the bar. Immediately the crowd obeyed, and they started backing up from the panting Link, who was grouching on one knee.
The owner of the voice stepped up from the crowd and helped Link up, as he whispered in his ears: "Don't mind them. They're just excited about tomorrow that's all!"
"It's all right Mazza. If I could survive wearing twenty five masks for the next three days then I could take anything!" Link responded.
The man smiled, as he instructed everybody to go back to his or her business until further instructions. He wore a red shirt with blue overalls, along with brown boots and a red baseball-like cap, with the letter 'M' inscribed on it. He was none other than: Super Mario!
"So, what did our man Miyamoto tell you in the meeting?" Mario blurted out suddenly.
"Well, he told me that I should start in making Majora's Mask tomorrow, so I guess I better sleep early tonight."
"And miss this party Link?! No, I don't think so! Almost all the Nintendo mascots are here to meet you! And you're telling me that you're going to sleep early? Why even Bowser came here to party!"
Link gazed at the ground, thinking what to do. It would break his spirit if I left. He suddenly jerked his head up and nodded to Mario.
"But I got to call Zelda and tell her that I won't be able to see her tonight," Link said.
"Great! The telephone is right next to the men's bathroom. I'm gonna go mingle while you call," Mario said.
Link reached the telephone, which was short for 'Telepathy Phone'. It was a helmet that could, when worn, send ultra sonic waves to the mind of the person one thinks of, thus linking the two minds by telepathy. Zelda however, didn't need a Tele-phone to reach minds, since she had telepathic powers of her own. Link put the helmet on and tried to reach her.
"Hello. You have reached Zelda's mind, but it is
pretty occupied at the moment. Please leave a message after the long beep.
Thank you." The mind-recording message said.
Meanwhile, up in the high tower of Hyrule Castle, Zelda was lying on her bed wearing a pink nightgown, day dreaming of having hot sex with none other than Link. A voice echoed in her mind, trying to pull her back to reality.
"Zelda, are you there? Please answer me. If you're still daydreaming about me you've got another thing coming!" Link's voice echoed in her mind, but she still didn't break from her trance.
"Zelda." Link said in a sarcastic voice. "This is my penis talking to you; I want to make love to you. Wake up Zelda! ZELDA!"
She jerked up from her bed in a flash, her eyes were wide open and she was panting heavily. She looked around her room like a maniac, as if she was set on fire. Indeed, she felt very hot tonight.
"Where- Where?" She yelled. "Where are you link? Come out and let's do it now!"
Just then, she heard loud laughing echoing in her
mind, and she recognized the voice immediately.
Meanwhile, back to Link, he was lying on the ground, laughing uncontrollably and wobbling like a fish out of water.
"You should have seen your face! In fact I wish I would have seen your face!" Link tried to control himself, but he couldn't, as he was still laughing out loud.
"Link! You'll pay for interrupting my dream and tricking me!" Zelda screamed.
Finally, when he realized how mad Zelda was from the tone of her voice, he came back to his senses.
"Sorry Zelda, but I couldn't stand it. I want you to stop thinking about me every second. It's like you're obsessed."
"No I'm not obsessed, and I'm not forgiving you!"
"Come on Zelda. That was for you own good. I want you to be free. I want you to think about other matters of your life. I'm doing this because I love you very much. Please forgive me Zel."
"Alright Link, I'll try not to be obsessed over you," Zelda said, as she sobbed softly.
"No Zelda, please don't cry. I'm very happy that you think about me, but we are still young and our relationship is still building up. I too think about you constantly."
Zelda stopped sobbing. "Really?"
"You bet! Anyway, I'm kind of in a hurry here, so I just wanted to tell you I won't be able to make it tonight. I got an important job to do."
"Alright, but promise that you'll be here after you finish your job."
"Ok. I'll see you later fair maiden! Bye!" Link took off the helmet and sighed. "Women."
Suddenly, a pink blob approached Link. "Hey Link!" It yelled.
"Hey Kirby! How are you?" Link said
"I'm fine. The boys want you over there at the bar."
"Alright, I'm practically there. Are you coming?"
"I'll catch up after I finish," Kirby said, as he dashed pass Link and headed for the bathroom.
"Be careful not to flush yourself!" Link said, as
he walked to the bar.
After several hours of drinking and partying.
"Twenty-five broken sinks in the bathroom, twenty-five broken sinks! Mario was fixing one, and after a while, there were twenty four broken sinks!"
"Twenty five masks pinned on the wall, twenty five masks pinned. I slashed one with my sword, oh my good lord, now they're twenty four masks pinned on the wall!"
Everyone singed and laughed, including Link, who looked very tired and drowsy. He knew he had too much, and now he had to leave.
"Hey guys, it's been fun but I don't feel so good. I got to go," Link said in a very drowsy voice, but everyone was too drunk to pay attention to him, so he made his way out.
Unfortunately, he took the wrong way out, for he entered the men's restroom and found Kirby rolling on the wet floor, almost three times his normal size now. Link realized that Kirby was about to explode. He turned the doorknob to make his exit, but it broke and he was locked inside. All he was able to do was countdown to his doom.
"T minus ten seconds- nine, eight, two, one."
The restroom's roof and walls shattered into pieces, and the floor flew miles up in the sky. It glided like a plane far from the big town, and landed right smack onto the uncharted ground of a strange woods.
The floor landed in a flat horizontal position amazingly, with Link standing in the middle, covered in beer and puke, with his hair standing up and his eyes wide open as if he were electrocuted. Incredibly, one of the restroom's doors managed to 'survive' the explosion.
"I need to go to the bathroom and rest a little.
Good night." Link said, as he opened the door and stepped off the restroom's
floor. He collapsed face first on the soft grass.
Link woke up next morning, with a huge headache. The hero's eyes scanned the foggy woods, not knowing where to go, or how to get back. That was why they called this mystical place 'The lost woods'. The tall trees reaching the sky blocked out most of the sunlight, giving a very spooky atmosphere; the fog was like a turbine of smoke. The howling of the wind and the rustling of the leaves produced a frightening melody, which sent a chill through the dazed Link's spine.
He finally began to recover; his blurry vision was now clearing, and he regained his balance enough to walk. Nevertheless, he still felt like a hammer was nailing him down; that headache was still there. He thought he could get rid of it by rubbing his forehead, but as he touched his skin, he felt that he had stroked a scaly surface rather than a smooth one. Confused, Link looked at his hands, only to see that they were scaly, their color was a mixture of green and black. Lo and behold he only had three fingers. As he examined his whole body, he came to realize that he was.
"I'm a Deku scrub! Dammit! That asshole Scull-Kid caught me off guard!"
Link kept cursing and complaining as he wandered the forest, looking for a way out. His new appearance did not seem to affect his personality, or maybe it had.
The 'Deku' Link suddenly had the urge to fart, and when he was about to let the gas out, five trumpets came out from his ass. He started farting a 'soothing' melody killing every tree he passed.
"Oh no- this is going to be one of those days." He sighed as he kept farting uncontrollably, and in addition to that terrible experience he was entangled in, that headache still hadn't faded.
Along the way, a scarecrow popped up, and scared Link out of his wits.
"What is this, the yellow brick road?! Link yelled, "Watch where you're going will you?!"
"Eh.actually eh, I apologize for that. I just woke up from my nap," the scarecrow said in a very raspy voice. "Is there any way that I can help you?"
"Yeah, come to think of it, there is. How can I get out of here?"
"Well.actually you.eh.follow the path west until you get to a hollow tree, almost like a cave. It'll lead you to Termina."
"Oh, man! Is that the only way out?!" Link asked.
"That's the only way I know!" It answered back
"Just what I needed, now I've got to gather twenty five fucking masks and save Terd-mina! When I get my hands on Skull-shit, I'm gonna choke him to death with that fart factory that's in my ass!"
"Actually eh.Mister green plant-"
"Get it straight airhead it's Link ok?!" Link cut him off.
"Eh.yes, Link. Actually I can help you with your mask problem if you do me a favor." The scarecrow trailed off.
"As if I had a choice.Alright, what is it?"
"I want you to play a melody for me with those holes-"
"They're not the holes of my ass dimwit! THEY ARE TRUMPETS!"
"They look like saxophones to me.more like asshole-o-phones," the scarecrow muttered under his breath.
"What did you say?!!"
"Nothing! I just said any asshole could phone you with these trumpets. You can use them as a telephone!"
"Woops.eh, actually, eh.any gay will really love these. Y'know having five holes, so he can have five cocks up his ass.cool, right?"
Obviously, the small-minded scarecrow did not know how to compliment a person. He was in big trouble now. Link's crimson eyes were filled with rage, as smoke puffed out of his five 'trumpets', making the whistling sound of a train.
"I'm gonna stick a tree so far up your ass it'll go through every bone and nerve in your body!"