New Fan Works
Old Fan Works
Miss Hyrule Beauty Pageant
Miss Hyrule Beauty Pageant
By: Happy Mask
Location: Hyrule Theater, behind the castle
Emcee (Darunia): Wearing a tuxedo, testing the mike. "Testing one, two, three..."
coughs a little.
"Ahem.Welcome, lords and ladies of Hyrule, to the long anticipated 'Miss Hyrule' beauty pageant!"
"Tonight we're pleased to bring you the best in evening gown, talent, and bikini competition, and seeing who the lineup is, we're sure to have an edge-of-your-seat evening you won't soon forget!"
(Somebody throws a wad of paper at Darunia from somewhere in the crowd)
"Hey!" Darunia shouts.
Darunia looks through the crowd and sees a guy standing by the back balcony, his hands in his pockets.
"You sir, yes you, get down here and have a seat, and get those hands out of your pockets. The entertainment's down here, buddy."
(More snickering from the crowd)
"Okay, let's bring out the judges."
(Cheesy music comes from orchestra pit)
"Judge number one, from Kokiri Forest, let's welcome, Mr. Mido!"
(Mido bows and the crowd boos as he takes his seat)
"Judge number two, coming to us live from the Evil Realm.Ganondorf!"
(Ganondorf enters the stage and tomatoes are thrown at him, crowd boos loudly)
"And judge number three, the one we've all been waiting for.is our very own Hero of Time.Link!"
(Link enters the stage and roses are thrown at his feet as he smiles and bows)
(Whistles and catcalls are coming from the ladies in the crowd)
Link flashes his brilliant smile, and it's like Beatles revisited...
"Okay, okay, quiet down now, while the judges get ready".
(Darunia pulls back the curtain, whispers something loudly then faces the crowd again)
Suddenly loud feedback is heard from the mike, and one of the Gorons goes backstage to fix it.
"Uh.sorry folks," Darunia mutters as he taps the mike.
"Okay, ready? Let's start with contestant number one.
(Saria enters the stage)
"This is Saria, and she's wearing an Oscar de la Renta evening gown made of emerald silk."
Saria shakes her hips as she turns the corner on the runway, batting her eyes at Link.
Ganondorf smirks as he marks his scorecard. "Heh heh."
"Next we have Malon, and she's wearing a cute little number from Escada. Isn't she gorgeous, folks?"
Malon saunters out onto the stage, her fiery red hair pulled up in a sexy twist atop her head. She is wearing a white diamond-studded spaghetti-strap gown with a very low back. She makes certain that Link sees this as she stops right in front of him, turning around slowly, winking at him. Saria stares at her, and if looks could kill.
(crowd boos, like the Jerry Springer show)
"Okay, okay.we all know there's no love lost between these two.that's true. Let's see who contestant number three is, shall we?"
Out comes Nabooru, in a black leather gown fitted tight at her hips. On her wrists she wears diamond-studded leather bracelets.
"This is Nabooru, she comes from Gerudo Valley, and this dress she designed herself."
Nabooru turns to Link.
"Hey handsome, wanna go out later?" she asks, running her hand through her hair.
Ganondorf gives Link a sharp jab with his elbow.
"Hey, what the.are you two going out?"
Link turns to Ganondorf and draws his dagger.
"Watch it, or the prick you feel now."
"Whoa fellas, wait a minute," Darunia said, waving his hand. "There's no need for that. You can settle your differences later."
Ganondorf, his eyes seething at Link, backed off.
"Okay, our final contestant is none other than our own Princess of Hyrule, Zelda!"
(Zelda emerges in a beautiful purple silk toga, with a symbol of the Triforce holding it against her shoulder.)
Link is captivated by her presence. He loses all sense of reality when their eyes meet.
She had dusted some sparkly powder on her bare shoulders, and she looked like a goddess sent straight from the heavens. Well Link sure knew who he would be voting for.
(The crowd falls to a whisper)
"Okay ladies, take your places," said Darunia.
The four women lined up in a row, just glaring at one another.
"Ladies, the grand prize in this contest is 500 rupees, a date with Link, a mink coat and unlimited blue potion. The first runner up will get 500 rupees and your very own fairy's fountain. The second prize is 300 rupees and a new dress from the designer of your choice. And the fourth and final prize is 250 rupees and a diamond ring. Okay."
"Hey you hussy!" Malon shouted to Nabooru. "Just who are you after?"
Nabooru leaned over and waved at Malon. "The same one you're after, and she's after, and her".
"Okay, okay, stop it." Darunia said. "You all promised me you'd act like ladies. I swear, you all take one look at Link and it's like you forget who you are."
"Well I've known him forever," said Saria. "He's mine."
"Well I'm the first real woman he's ever seen," Nabooru said. "He will pick me."
"Well he kissed me in the barn!" Malon shouted. "Has he ever kissed any of you in a barn?"
"Well, I'm not saying where he kissed me," Zelda said. "A real woman never reveals her secrets."
Her eyes met Link's in a very seductive gaze.
That's when the other three pounced on Zelda.
"You slut! You b----!"
The catfight continued, getting standing ovations, whistles, and applause. Mido stood up on top of the judges' table, jumping up and down from all the excitement.
Darunia pushed through the four women, praying he would be able to escape their clawing fingernails.
"Okay, okay that's it! Pageant's off! You can't behave, so you'll have to be punished."
Suddenly Zelda was violently pushed off the stage. Link managed to catch her as she fell forward into his arms.
He grinned at her from ear to ear. Feeling her in his arms in that purple silk was doing crazy things to him.
"Say," he whispered. "I know a place where we can go have our own toga party. Just you and me. Whaddya say, honey?"
"Sure, sweetie," Zelda replied. "Does this mean I win first prize?"
Link smirked. "You bet it does."
Then he carried her away to his horse, and they rode away together, the other three women still clawing each other on stage, completely unaware that Zelda had gone off with Link.
(I know this is totally stupid and ridiculous, but I was in a stupid and ridiculous mood when I wrote it)