New Fan Works
Old Fan Works
"A Second till Insanity", chapters 1 & 2
The Legend of Zelda: A Second till Insanity
All characters in this story are copyright Nintendo except for Camdawg, DR. JEFFERY LEIGHT!!!, Jasmine, the Sage of Professional Wrestling. This is my first Link fanfic and I decided to make in not dark because of all the lemons and serious fanfics. Visit my site at www.geocities.com/tuxedomario/index.html, please. In case you can't tell, this is when Link is an adult.
Dr. Mario is playing Super Smash Bros.: Melee when his intercom turned on. "Dr. Mario, a Mr. Link to see you."
"Send him in." said Dr. Mario while beating up Bowser in SSBM. Link ran through the door gasping for air.
"Doc! ya gotta help me!" Link said while he tried to catch his breath.
Dr. Mario pressed pause and went to Link. He grabbed Link by the shoulders, shook him, and asked, "What's wrong?".
"Girls....and Ganondorf...and ...duuuuuuuuh" Link then fainted on the ground.
A few minutes later, Link regained consciousness and found himself lying down in those chairs that psychiatrists use.
"What happened?" Link asked.
"You passed out in my office. Quite a shock, had to get the secretary to do CPR cause there's no chance in hell my lips are touching a guy's." Dr. Mario said while drinking some green tea.
"Man, it's terrible." Link said while holding his head with his hands.
"Why don't you tell me all about it?" asked Dr. Mario refilling his cup.
"I've got to save Zelda all the time, crazy women are after me, I have to walk everywhere I go, I have to save a parallel universe from a giant moon, Ganondorf always sends me prank phone calls." Link rambled.
"Link, what are you getting at?"
"I need a vacation!"
"Why don't you take one?"
"I can't take one now!"
"Cause I've got a new game on Gamecube. I can't take the pressure right now"
"That's you in that game?"
"Yeah, who'd you think it was?"
"I thought it was Leonardo Di Caprio."
"Well it's not, so there."
"Well, how about you go home and relax and I'll call you if I think of something."
"Thanks Mario" said Link.
"I'm not Mario, I'm Dr. Mario." Said Dr. Mario.
"I always thought that Mario and Dr. Mario are the same person." Said a bewildered Link.
"No, see, I'm a doctor, see? (points to name tag) Dr. Mario, not Mario" Said Dr. Mario.
"Uhh, ok, well, I'll be seeing ya." Said Link. As Link walked out, Mario walked in. They both said hi as Link walked out. Hmm, guess he's telling the truth.
"Yo cous, what's shakin?" asked Mario while giving Dr. Mario a hi five.
"Not much I suppose." Said Dr. Mario.
"Why was Link in here?" asked Mario.
"Oh Link, poor fellow, he's overworked and needs a vacation."
"Well, why doesn't he go on one?"
"He's got his new game and he doesn't have time to leave."
"That's him? I thought it was Leonardo Di Caprio."
"Yeah, me too."
"Hmm, I could pull a few strings down at the main office and maybe Link could get some time." Said Mario
"Do you think that's wise?" asked Dr. Mario.
"Your health is more important than your work." Mario replied, "Besides, the game sucks with or without him."
The next day, Link got out of bed, brushed his teeth, combed his hair, and ate some fruit loops. His phone rang. Link picked up the phone.
"Hello Link, this is Dr. Mario, could you come to my office?" he asked.
"I may have found the answer to your problem." Said Dr. Mario enthusiastically
"I'll be on my way," said Link. Dr. Mario turned around and Link was right behind him. Dr. Mario yelled and jumped out the window. Link peeked out the window. "Are you okay?" he asked in a concerned manner.
Dr. Mario stood up and said, "Yeah, I'm good. Luckily my office is on the first floor. Don't scare me like that."
"Sorry" Link said.
After the doctor went back into his office, "So what did you want to talk to me about?" asked Link.
"Mario was able to get you some vacation time." Said Dr. Mario.
"Sweet! See ya" said Link.
"Wait Link, I'm not finished." Link stopped and walked back into the room as if someone pressed rewind.
"What else is there?" asked Link, anxious to leave.
"Mario said it would be good if you went here." Dr. Mario handed Link a piece of paper with an address. Link unfolded it and looked at it.
"What is this place? Some hotel?" asked Link in a dumbfounded manner.
"I am not really sure but Mario said it's the address of a very good friend of his." Said Dr. Mario.
"I don't know," said Link, "He could be bad for my health.
"Oh come now, he can't really be that bad." Said Dr. Mario.
"I guess so." said Link, "but I have a bad feeling."
"He lives in Chatsworth." said Dr. Mario
"Man, that's far away, well see ya." said Link
"You owe 100 dollars for this session." said Dr. Mario
"I thought you made money off megavitamins?" asked Link.
"Well, I made this special kind of vitamin called 'Viagra' and it didn't do too well."
Link forks over 300 rupees (1 dollar = 3 rupees) and walks out the door.
Meanwhile, in a secret undisclosed location * cough * * Baskin Robins * * cough * elsewhere, Ganondorf was talking to two unknown people.
Ganondorf-.So then he didn't have a cow, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Person 1-Ganondorf, why have you called us here?
Person 2-Yeah, I want to know.
Ganondorf-As you are aware, Link has gone off on vacation.
Person 2-Go on
Ganondorf-So I suggest that we attack him now, when his guard is down.
Person 1-Why am I a part of it?
Ganondorf-Because Link seems to be staying at the house of your evil nemesis
Person 1-You mean The Rock?
Person 1-Stone Cold?
Ganondorf-NO! Worse than both of them put together.
Person 1-You mean.
Ganondorf-YES! WANGCAMREN! (wong-cam-ren)
Person 2-haha, he said "wang"
Ganondorf-no I didn't
Person 1-Who cares, all I want to do is destroy that stupid baka.
Person 2-What's a baka?
Ganondorf-It's Japanese for "fool"
Person 1-Doesn't it mean "stupid"?
(15 minutes later)
Ganondorf-No, there are two scoops in every box!
Person 1-No, there are three!
Person 2-Guys, guys we can settle this like gentlemen
Ganondorf & Person 2-Fine.
Person 2-And with Link out of the way, my game will be the most popular in the world!
Ganondorf-Yeah whatever(even though it will never beat my games.)
Person 1-All that matters is that the wrestling baka will die!
Ganondorf-Then it is agreed. We will work together to destroy our enemies.
Person 1-I say we all go to Burger King. They've got new Dragon Ball Z action figures.
It's a long way till I get to Chatsworth so I think I will need some transportation. thought Link. As Link strolled onto Lon Lon Ranch, he saw Malon stacking up some hay near the barn. Oh no, It's Malon! If she sees me. Link tip toed behind a box near the barn when the James Bond theme starts playing. "Stupid Ingo is playing GoldenEye when he should be doing his work!" Malon said as she dropped her pitchfork and walked inside. Now Link snuck into the barn when the 007 logo appeared over his head with the words, "objective complete". He calmed Epona down and climbed on her back. Link then ran straight out of the barn as fast as he could on Epona.
"Hey! Link's stealing a horse!" said Malon. "Sorry, I'll give it back later, thank you!" Link said while passing her at 90 mph. She immediately ran to Talon.
"Dad! Link just stole Epona!" said Malon, desperately trying to get her father up.
"Hmmm, what, .I'll do it..after I give a .ZZZ" Talon said before drifting off to sleep.
"See how lazy he is? I'm the one who works the hardest, I should own the ranch!" said Ingo.
"Shut up and clean up the cow dung!" barked Malon
"Yes ma'am" said Ingo.
Link ran off with Epona to the enchanted land of Chatsworth where he was to meet Mario's friend. "I wonder, does he have a Gamecube?" thought Link as he got into city limits. Link then followed the directions to a quiet, empty road. "This is peaceful; good for a vacation." Link said as a smile crossed his face. Link then went to the address described on the paper. What Link saw next made him shed a tear. He saw the biggest, coolest, gnarliest (gnarly, old-school word) mansion in the whole world. Link ran up to the steps with excitement. "This place is awesome! I can't believe it's in the middle of nowhere like this." Link knocked on the door, but no one answered. Link started banging the door repeatedly. "Damn it! Why won't anyone come here?"
Meanwhile, a slightly fat, black haired, teenage boy wearing glasses with a Austin "What?" T-shirt, dark blue pants, and a Nike jacket walked down the street carrying some groceries. He saw Link banging his head on the door of the mansion. Link spotted him and shouted,
"Is anyone home in here?"
"No," said the boy, "He's out."
"Great, just great." Said Link. The directions told me to come here and now no one's home."
"Hey, wait a sec, you're Link!" said the boy.
"No, I'm Link! Wait.." said Link.
"Mario told me you would be coming. I'm Camdawg, nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you. Now if you'll do the honors and open the door to this slice of heaven and I will make myself comfortable." Said Link impatiently
"Oh, no no no no no," said Camdawg, "You are suppose to stay with me."
"Mario sent me here to stay with a little kid? This must be because of that vodka I put in his Coke. This has to be a joke!" Said Link, disappointed.
"It's no joke. You are at the house of DR. JEFFERY
LEIGHT!!!, a guy with a Ph.D. in anime-tion. Very rich, got it all from
his family. Come on, I live down the road." Camdawg walked down the road
with a disappointed Link behind him. "I'll get you for this, Mario" Link
After a 10-minute walk, Link and Camdawg got to Camdawg's house. It was a good house although it wasn't as good as that mansion: one story, one bedroom, a nice pool, and a color TV with every Nintendo gaming system known to man. Camdawg unpacked the groceries while Link looked around. "Make yourself at home." Camdawg said. Link looked around and saw a ton of wrestling posters. Something tells me that this guy likes wrestling Link thought. Camdawg then went to the TV and turned on the Game Cube.
"So Link, any good at Smash Bros.: Melee?" asked Camdawg.
"I can kill anyone in Hyrule." Bragged Link.
"We'll see about that."
Link and Camdawg continued to play for 5 hours until they both got hungry. "I've got some food in the 'fridge." Said Camdawg. "You got any milk?" asked Link. "I know you like Lon Lon so I emptied my pocket and got you some." said Camdawg tossing the bottle to Link, "This stuffs expensive around here."
At the dinner table, Camdawg ate some frozen pizza while Link just drank his milk.
"Don't you eat food?" asked Camdawg.
"Not that much, I guess that's the way the goddesses made me." Camdawg then asked Link another question.
"Hey Link, why did you leave Hyrule and come all the way here?"
"Well," Link said, "It was mostly because of all those girls wanting to marry me. I couldn't take it so I went on a vacation." Said Link, drinking the milk.
"Whoa, time out, you left cause tons of girls LIKE you?" asked Camdawg in a bewildered voice.
"Dang it man, do you know how many guys (including me) would want to be in your shoes right now?" Camdawg said as he banged his fist on the table.
"Trust me, you would not like those girls, you are too young to understand." Said Link.
"Actually, I'm 147"
"147!?" Link said as he fell over in anime style, "You expect me to believe that? Why do you look so young?"
"Too much coffee, stunned growth, you know how it is." said Camdawg.
"Oh, yeah, I know. Same thing happened to Saria. Well, now I don't feel so bad staying here." Said Link, "I thought I would be too mature for you."
"Bah, they all say that. Looks can be deceiving, you remember that." Said Camdawg in a wise sage tone of voice. "Hey Link, I've got a personal question." Said Camdawg sheepishly.
"What is it?" asked Link.
"Is Zelda a real blond?"
Link immediately flipped the dinner table over, shoved Camdawg to the wall, drew his sword, and held it at Camdawg's neck. "Don't EVER ask that again." Link said viciously with one eye twitching and one eye bulging.
"Ah, so you have feelings for her eh?" said Camdawg in a mocking tone of voice.
Link backed off and said, "What? No, it's just, you don't ask those sort of things."
"You don't know, do you?" said Camdawg.
"Not a clue," said Link, "and I really don't want to know."
"Good boy, you keep clean for marriage." Said Camdawg in that sage voice again.
"Man it feels weird talking to a guy like you." Said Link.
"Is it cause of how I look and my age?" asked Camdawg.
"Don't worry about it, I promise I won't ask you that again." Said Camdawg holding his hand up. "Now, how about more Smash Bros.?"
"Nah, It's getting late and I want to rest now." Said Link.
"Alright, I'll show you to your bed."