I, the great and almighty auther of this fan fic, am going to have Link do the disclaimer for my story. 

Link: Do I have to?

Yes.

Link: *sigh* Fine. Epona Girl does not own Zelda. All rights to Nintendo.

Thank you.

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Rauru: Greetings. I am Rauru, Sage of Light and I will guide you through this epic quest of…Hey! What are you doing?! Insolent girl! I’m gonna…

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Epona Girl: Ok, sorry about that. *ahem* Hey! I’m Epona Girl, Sage of Video Games! I’m going to be your narrator today instead that old geezer Rauru.

Rauru: (mumbles something)

Epona Girl: Shut up Rauru.

Once again, the evil Ganondorf has kidnapped Princess Zelda and is gloating.

Ganon: Muhahaha! Hyrule is as good as mine!

???: Not so fast Ganon!

Ganon: What the…Link?!

Link: Who’d you expect, Mario?

Ganon: Who’s Mario?

Link: …Idiot. Anyways, release Zelda this instant or else!

Ganon: Or else what?

Link: Guess.

Ganon: You’ll run me through with the Master Sword?

Link: That wasn’t what I thinking but that works too.

Ganon: !!!

Link: Hyaa!

Link stabs Ganon in the gut.

Ganon: Ahhh! I'll get you for this!

Ganon dies. (in case you were wondering, this is the human version of Ganon)

Link: I just love doing that! Now to find Zelda.

Link starts to search Ganon’s Lair.

Link: Huh? Ahhh!!!

A cage falls from the ceiling and lands right in front of Link.

Zelda: It’s about time! Get me out of here!

Link: All right, all right! Don’t yell! Geez…

Link breaks the cage’s lock with the Master Sword.

Zelda: Finally! It gets so annoying listening to Ganon!

Link: You always say that. What does he talk about that’s so horrible anyway?

Zelda has flashbacks of past kidnappings. Note that these aren’t all of the kidnappings, just a few of them.

First Flashback

Second Flashback.

Third Flashback.

Last Flashback.Zelda is in a cage that’s hanging from the ceiling. Ganon is standing on a platform beside it.

Ganon: Hmmm…should I force Rauru to perform the wedding…or should I just do it myself?

Zelda glares at Ganon.

Ganon: What do you think Zelda?

Zelda: I think that you should jump into Death Mountain Crater!!! Haven’t you figured out that no matter what you do to me, I’ll never marry you?!? Now release me!!!

Ganon: I’ll never release you. You will marry me.

Zelda: I’m gonna kill you!!!

Zelda tries to shoot Ganon with lightning but it evaporates on contact with the cage bars.

Ganon *smirks* I put you in a magic cage, remember?

Zelda: I hate you.

End of flashbacks.

Zelda: *shudder* He wouldn’t shut up.

Link: Oh, is that all? That’s not so bad.

Zelda twitches.

Link: Anyway it’s about time we…

???: Link! Where are you? Hey listen! Are you there? Link!

Link: Oh no. Not now Navi.

Navi: There you are! What’re you doing?

Link: Take a wild guess.

Navi: Um…oh! I know, I know! You’re rescuing Zelda!

Link rolls his eyes.

Link: Gee, how’d ya guess?

Navi: Well actually, it’s quite simple since you told me that Zelda got kidnapped again and that you were going to go rescue her and that Hyrule needed saving again and that…

Link and Zelda: Shut up!!!

Navi: Never! This is a free country thanks to you Link so that means that I can talk as much as I want without being persecuted and…mmmmph!

Link duct tapes Navi’s mouth.

Link: Ah, silence is golden but duct tape is silver.

Zelda: What the…

Link: Never mind.

Navi: Mmmmph mmm mmm mm mmmph!

Link: Navi, if you don’t stop trying to talk I’ll feed you to a frog.

Navi: Mmmph mm mmm!?!

Link feeds Navi to a frog.

Link: That’s more like it.

Epona Girl: Link! Get her out of there! She plays a vital role in this story!

Link: Do I have to?

Epona Girl: Only if you don’t want to get struck by lightning.

Link: !!!

Link reaches inside the frog and grabs an unconscious Navi.

Epona Girl: Better.

Zelda: So how are we getting back to the castle?

Link: We’ll ride on Epona!

Epona is nowhere in sight.

Zelda: …well?

Link: Darn it! I forgot to bring her because I warped here! Hmmm…I guess we’re walking.

Zelda: You idiot.

Link: What?!? I had to get through all those extremely hard dungeons and side-quests to get here, and you have the nerve to call me an idiot?!?

Zelda: Yes.

Link: I’m throwing you back in the cage!

Zelda: I won’t let you!

Link: I’m stronger than you!

Zelda’s hands begin to glow.

Zelda: Wanna bet?

Link draws his sword.

Link: Bring it on!

Epona Girl: Due to graphic violence I will now black out this scene.

Five minutes later…

Epona Girl: Ok, let’s see who won.

Link and Zelda: Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!

Link: Darn it! How about best out of five?

Epona Girl: Huh?! What happened to the fight?!

Zelda: I didn’t want to get my dress dirty.

Epona Girl: So you guys played rock, paper, scissors instead?

Zelda: Yeah.

Epona Girl: How lame is that?!

Link: Extremely lame.

Zelda: Shut up Link.

Epona Girl: Grrr. Just get on with it.

Zelda: Link, why don’t you just call Epona or something?

Link: That’s it! I’ll use my ocarina to call her!

Zelda: And you didn’t think of that ten minutes ago?

Link: …shut up.

Link whips out his ocarina and plays Epona’s Song. After about five seconds Epona comes charging towards them.

Link: My ocarina is so cool!

Zelda: …just get on the horse.

Link: Ladies first.

Link stoops down and cups his hands, waiting for Zelda to use them to boost onto Epona. Zelda ignores him and hops up onto Epona without Link’s help.

Link: Whatever.

Link proceeds to jump up behind Zelda and grab the reins.

Zelda: Get off me.

Link: Hey, it’s the only way for me to reach the reins.

Zelda glares at Link.

Link: What, do you want to steer or something?

Zelda: Yes.

Link: Ok, ok.

Link lets Zelda take the reigns.

Zelda: Thank you.

Zelda kicks the horse into a gallop.

Link: Aieee!!!

Link flies of the horse.

Link: Ow…

Zelda: (calling over her shoulder) Correction, you are walking back.

Link: Hey!

Link looks around.

Link: Darn, she took my horse. Hmmm…I know! I’ll just warp in front of them and jump back on!

Link uses Farore’s Wind to warp into Epona and Zelda’s path.

Link: Uh-oh…OW!

Epona Girl: O.O That wasn’t supposed to happen. Hey Link! What’s with getting your foot trampled by the horse? That’s not very heroic you know.

Link: (Hopping up and down clutching his foot) I can’t feel my foot!!! Call a medic!!!

Epona Girl: Using my awesome powers of autherness, I will heal Link’s foot so he can get on with the adventure.

Link’s foot magically heals.

Link: Ahhh, that feels better. Now I can…

Epona Girl: GO CATCH THAT HORSE ALREADY!!!

Link: *teardrop* Yes ma’am.

Link jumps and lands on the back of the horse.

Link: O.O I didn’t know I could do that!

Zelda: Where the heck did you come from?!

Link: The road.

Zelda rolls her eyes.

Link: Gimme the reigns.

Zelda: No.

Link: You force me to take extreme measures.

Link pulls a rope out of his belt pouch and ties Zelda up.

Zelda: Hey! This is a most undignified way to rescue a princess!

Link: That was a most ungrateful way to thank the hero! Now quiet while I steer.

Zelda: Just wait till I tell my father about this, then you’ll be sorry!

Link: Your father will be so happy to see you alive that he won’t even think about what I did to get you there.

Zelda growls.

Ten minutes later Link and Zelda arrive at the Hyrule Castle.

Zelda: Finally! Untie me!

Link unties Zelda.

Link: There you go your royal snootiness.

Zelda: What did you call me!? I’m gonna…

???: Zelda! You’re safe! Thank heavens!

Zelda: Daddy! You’ll never believe what…

King: Hold that thought Zelda, I have good news!

Zelda: What?

King: It was supposed to be a surprise but I couldn’t wait to tell you.

Link: Does it include me?

King: Yes.

Link: What is it?

King: I’ve finally finished the arrangements for your wedding! It will be in two months.

Zelda: I already told you, I don’t want to marry Prince Marth!

King: No, it’s not Marth, he lives to far away. *grins* You’re going to marry Link!

Link and Zelda: What?!?

Zelda stares at the king.

Link: But…wait…I…you…you can’t do this to me!!! I…I…I’m not civilized enough! I grew up in a forest! I…I don’t even eat with a fork! I’ll never be able to…

King: Silence!!!

Link shuts up.

King: I know what’s best for Hyrule! Zelda, you should be ashamed! Think of your country, not yourself! And you!

The king pokes Link in the chest.

King: You should be thanking me! You’re going to be king one day!

Link: But I don’t wanna…

King: You don’t have a choice in the matter! Guards!

Several soldiers come running up.

King: Take Link to the room he usually stays in! And put a guard outside the door!

Soldiers: Yes, sir!

Link: Guys…don’t do this…wait…are those handcuffs!?

The soldiers grab Link and handcuff him.

Link: Hey! Get away from me! Ow! This is foul play! I’m not allowed to hurt Hylians! Help!

The soldiers march Link into the castle.

Zelda: Daddy…

King: Not a word from you Zelda!

Zelda: But…

King: Silence!!!

Meanwhile in Link’s room Link is pounding on the door and yelling like there’s no tomorrow, much to the guard’s annoyance.

Link: Let me out of here! What did I ever do to deserve this?! Hey! Are you listening to me?! Why did you take away my sword?! Open this door!

Guard: Shut up.

Link: I won’t shut up until you open this door!

Guard: No.

Link: Why not?!

Guard: Because the king said not to let you out.

Link: Grrrrrrr…

Link gets an idea.

Link: I’ve got it! I’ll jump out the window!

Link proceeds to jump out the window.

Link: I’m free! Yes! I’m…eep!

Link suddenly realizes that he just jumped out of a fourth-story window.

Link: Ahhhh!

Link plummets to the ground and lands in a heap.

Link: (strangled voice) M-mediiic…

Epona Girl: *sigh* I will now heal Link with my awesome powers of autherness. Again.

All of Link’s broken bones heal and he gets up.

Link: Thanks. Now to get away.

Link begins to sneak through the castle courtyard. What he didn’t expect was Zelda being there.

Link: Urk!

Link dives into a clump of bushes.

Link: Phew.

???: There you are Link!

Link: Eep!

Navi flies into the bushes.

Navi: Hey Link! What happened? I tried to…

Link: Shhh!

Navi: (whispering) Sorry. Why do we have to be quiet?

Link points at Zelda.

Navi: Oh, isn’t that Princess Zelda? (yelling) Hi Zelda!

Link: Shut up! She’ll…uh-oh.

Zelda looks up from the book she was reading.

Zelda: Who’s there?

Link gulps.

Navi: Link and Navi!

Zelda: Link? What the…get out here!

Link: Way to go Navi.

Zelda: Right now!

Link: No way!

Zelda: Get out here or I’ll pull you out myself!

Link: I’ll be leaving.

Link starts to slip away but Zelda reaches into the bushes and snags his tunic.

Link: Hey!

Zelda: Gotcha.

Link: Let go of my tunic.

Zelda: No.

Zelda starts to pull Link out of the bushes.

Link: Let go of my tunic! It’s ripping. Stop! It’s…

Rip!

Zelda stares at the tunic in her hand.

Zelda: Whoops.

Link: What the heck did you do that for?! I’m…wait. Now’s my chance to get away!

Link runs away.

Zelda: Oh, no you don’t!

Zelda grabs for Link but gets Navi instead.

Navi: Hey! Let go!

Zelda: Not until you tell me what Link was doing spying on me!

Navi gets an idea.

Navi: I’m going to fart!

Zelda: What? That’s so off topic…

Epona Girl: Oh my gosh! Air! *gasp* I need air! Aha! A gas mask! *rustling sounds* Ahhh, that’s better. Now I can continue narrating.

Zelda lets go of Navi to cover her nose with her hands.

Zelda: Ewww! How could anything like that come out of such a small fairy?! That’s…ack! I’m melting!!!

Zelda melts into a puddle.

Navi: Ah, the Fairy Fart of Doom. It works every time except not on Link because he’s used to it.

Zelda: Uhhhh.

Navi: Ha! I’ve melted Zelda! I win!

Zelda: You!!!

Zelda pops back up into Hylian form and charges at Navi with glowing hands.

Zelda: I’m gonna kill you!

Navi: Ahhhh!!! Flee!!!

Navi flies away 100 mph.

Zelda: Come back here!

A few hundred yards ahead Link is running like heck. For some strange reason he has his tunic on again.

Link: That’s -gasp- because I -wheeze- carry -cough- a spare. -pant- Phew. I think I’m safe now…

Suddenly a blue streak of light zooms past Link head.

Link: ???

The blue streak does a U-turn and heads back, stopping right in front of Link.

Link: Navi?

Navi: Zelda -pant- after me -gasp- flee!

Link: You led her here?!

Navi: Oops.

Zelda comes tearing through the courtyard and spots them.

Zelda: You!!!

Link and Navi: Ahhhh!

Link grabs his ocarina and plays Epona’s Song. Epona arrives within two seconds.

Navi: We’re saved! Now I’ll sit on the pommel of the saddle…

Link: And I’ll jump onto the horse like a madman, kick the horse and…

Epona takes off leaving a cloud of dust behind her.

Zelda: *cough* Well, I still have Link’s sword so he has to come back and face me sometime.

Somehow, (probably because of his long ears) Link hears this and comes charging back.

Link: All right, hand it over!

Zelda pastes an innocent expression on her face.

Zelda: (innocently) Hand what over?

Link: Don’t play innocent with me! Give me my sword!

Zelda: Your sword?

Link jumps off Epona, marches over to Zelda and grabs her dress.

Zelda: Hey!

Link: Give me the sword, or else I’ll rip your dress.

Zelda: You wouldn’t dare!

Link: Watch me! I know you have an under dress on so I’m safe.

Link rips the dress. Luckily he was right and Zelda is now standing in her under dress.

Zelda: Eek!!! You pervert!

Zelda uses magic to make a new dress for herself. I’m guessing she used the same magic that turned her into Sheik. Anyway, Link is busy searching the dress in his hands.

Link: Aha! Here’s my sword!

Link sheaths his sword. Zelda proceeds to smack Link upside the head.

Link: Owww! The pain! The horrible excruciating…Ha! That didn’t hurt! Do you really think I’m that weak? Bye!

Link jumps onto Epona and rides away.

Zelda: Grrr…

Zelda marches into the castle and makes a beeline for the throne room. She slams open the door and stomps up to the king.

Zelda: Daddy! Link is a pervert!

All of the people in the throne room are stunned into silence by this announcement. The king is the first to recover.

King: What?

Zelda: He ripped my dress!!! And… *looks around* Uh…could you tell everyone to leave?

King: Everyone out!

Everybody leaves.

King: So what do you want me to do about it?

Zelda: Army. Kill. Now.

King: This isn’t working out the way I planned…hmmm…I know! I’ll give Zelda a love potion that’ll make her fall in love with Link! That will help the marriage a lot and make Zelda happier with my choice!

Zelda: Didn’t you hear me!? I want his head on a silver platter…no a gold one…no wait...on a…

King: …Zelda…

Zelda: …diamond maybe…or maybe a ruby one…or perhaps even a…

King: …Calm down Zelda…

Zelda: …or is all that to good for him? A wooden platter with splinters will do…

King: ZELDA!!!

Zelda: What?

King: I know you’re upset and all, but drink this red potion. It will help you feel better.

Zelda eyes the potion.

Zelda: Oh, all right.

Zelda drinks the potion.

Zelda: Eww…it tastes weird…

King: *teardrop* Uh, it’s a new brand.

Zelda: Let’s stick with the old one. Now where’s that army I asked for?!

King: You are not allowed to use my army to murder your future husband.

Zelda: Fine! I’ll go do it myself!

Zelda stomps out of the throne room and slams the door so hard it crumbles to dust.

King: (nervously) I hope that potion takes affect soon…

Meanwhile Link is riding through Hyrule Field, trying to find something decent to eat. After all, riding a horse for four hours straight can make you pretty hungry.

Navi: …and so I said to him, "get a life" and he said…

Link: Navi, stop talking. I’m looking for food.

Link looks around.

Link: You’d think I would’ve spotted something by now!

Navi: Well, is it my fault?

Link; Well, there was that one time when you…

Navi: Oh, shut up.

Link: Why don’t you?! I’m hungry and you’re not helping at…

Link spots a free-range cucco.

Link: (drooling) Fried Cucco!

Link hops off Epona and with sword raised, sneaks up behind the unsuspecting cucco.

Link: Prepare to die!!!

Link tries to spear the cucco, but misses.

Link: Uh-oh.

The cucco crows loudly and summons a whole flock of cuccos.

Link: Ahhh!!! A flock of killer cuccos! Run!!!

Link runs for his life but isn’t fast enough. He will soon be pecked to death.

Link: Not if I have anything to say about!!!

Link uses Din’s Fire to fry the cuccos. He is now surrounded by buckets of fried cucco that that resemble the family buckets from KFC.

Link: Hahaha! I win! Now to feast!

Link and Navi stuff themselves with deep fat fried cucco.

Link: Ahhh, that’s better.

Navi burps.

Link: Let’s go home.

Link hops on Epona and rides to the Kokiri Village.

Fifteen minutes later…

Link: Ah, home sweet home.

Navi: Yup!

???: Link? Is that you? Welcome back!

Link hops off Epona.

Link: Hey Saria.

Saria: So how’d the rescue go?

Link: Same as always. Defeat Ganon, take Zelda back to the castle.

Saria: That’s what I thought. Is Ganon ever gonna come up with a decent scheme? He seems to think that marrying Zelda to become king is the only way to get his hands on Hyrule, ever since you defeated him in that whole time travel thing.

Link stares at Saria.

Link: I didn’t know that! I just thought he was holding her for ransom or something! Hmmm…so that’s why Zelda always acts so touchy after kidnappings.

Saria: Probably. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. While you were gone a letter from Zora’s Domain came.

Saria holds out a letter. Link takes it and reads the letter. His face turns white.

Saria: Link? Are you ok?

Navi: Can I see the letter?

Link whimpers.

Navi grabs the letter from Link.

Navi: Here, I’ll read it out loud. *ahem* My sweet darling Link, I am coming to the Kokiri Forest so we can plan our wedding. I’ll be there on Friday. See you soon! Your bride to be, Ruto.

Saria pulls out a calendar.

Saria: Today is Friday.

Link snaps back to reality.

Link: Ahhh!!! I’ve gotta hide! If she finds me, there’s no telling what she’ll…

???: Oh Liiink! Where are you precious?

Link: Aieee! She’s here! Saria, do something!

Saria: Don’t look at me! I don’t know what to do!

Link looks around frantically. He notices that everyone in the forest is dressed like him. He gets an idea.

Link: Hey, can one of you come here for a sec? Wait, not you Mido!

Mido: Heh, not happy to see me Link?

Link: Look, I don’t have time for this! Just tell that zora over there that you’re Link who just had plastic surgery! You’ll get a nice surprise if you do.

Mido: Only if you give me fifty rupees.

Link: Fine, take them!

Link runs behind some trees while Mido walks over to Ruto, who is looking for Link.

Mido: I am the big doofus Link. I just had plastic surgery to look like my idol, Mido!

Ruto: Eww…did you have to? Oh, well. We’ll just undo that before our wedding. Now give me a kiss, my darling!

Ruto gives Mido a big slobbery kiss.

Mido: AHHH!!! Mouthwash!!! I need mouthwash!!!

Mido runs into his house screaming.

Ruto: Come back, my precious crab cake!

Ruto runs after Mido. Link comes out from behind the trees laughing his head off.

Link: Hahaha! That was hilarious! They make the perfect couple!

Saria giggles.

Navi: Hey Link! Why don’t we go explore some caves?

Link: That was random.

Navi: I know. So how about it?

Link: Sure, why not? Wanna come Saria?

Saria: No thanks, I have to trim the forest temple. Maybe some other time.

Link: Ok, see ya.

Link jogs into the Lost Woods.

Three hours later…

Link: Navi, I get the feeling that I’ve already explored all of the caves in these woods.

Navi: Why don’t we go into the trees that border the Lost Woods? We've never been there before.

Link: I’ve already tried that…it doesn’t work. It’s like I’m hitting an invisible wall whenever I try to get through.

Epona Girl: That’s because there is!

Epona Girl suddenly appears in front of Link and Navi.

Navi: What the…? I didn’t know you were a person! I thought you were just a voice that could make stuff happen!

Navi thinks about that for a second

Navi: Hey, who’s narrating if you aren’t?

Epona Girl: I just so happen to be a ventriloquist. Anyways since I’m the author of this fanfic I have the power to get rid of this invisible wall!

Epona Girl walks over to the trees and takes out a frying pan.

Link: What’s with the frying pan? Isn’t that used for cooking or something?

Epona Girl: For your information, this is my favorite weapon. I like the sound it makes when it hits stuff.

Navi: That is so stupid.

Epona Girl: What did you say!?! Prepare to die!!!

Epona Girl smacks Navi with her frying pan.

Epona Girl: Take that!

Link: O.O

Epona Girl: I will now destroy this invisible wall with my frying pan.

Epona Girl slams her frying pan into the trees. The invisible wall shatters.

Epona Girl: Ok, get on with the adventure!

Epona Girl disappears.

Link: …that was weird.

Link looks at Navi, who’s flying around crazily bumping into stuff.

Link: Hey Navi! Are you ok?

Navi: Pretty purple soccer balls…

Link: Um…I’ll take that as a no.

Navi: Luigi saves the day! Wheee!

Link: Ok, she’s lost it.

Navi: (singing) ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer…

Link: Navi! Snap out of it!

Navi: My precious! Stupid hobbits stole it from us! We must get it back…

Link grabs Navi and slaps her.

Link: NAVI!!!

Navi snaps back to reality.

Navi: Huh? What happened?

Link: You were smashed by a frying pan.

Navi: What?!

Link: Never mind. Let’s just get through those trees.

Link cuts a path through the trees and emerges into a forest that has no log tunnels, just trees, bushes and rocks.

Link: Now this is more like it!

Navi: Hey look! A cave!

Link: Let’s explore it!

Link and Navi go into the cave.

Navi: Wow. It’s dark in here.

Link: Yeah.

Link and Navi go farther into the cave.

Link: It’s so quiet in here…

???: Aha! I’ve found you!

Link: EEK!!! A ghost!!!

Link ducks behind his shield, waiting for Navi to tell him how to defeat it. Navi quickly flies towards the voice and targets it.

Navi: This is Princess Zelda, watch out for her powerful magic attacks! Try reasoning with her!

Link stands up and puts away his shield.

Link: Zelda? What’re you doing here?

Zelda: I’ve come to kick your…

Just then the love potion takes affect.

Zelda: Uh…I mean, tell you that I love you.

Link stares at Zelda.

Zelda: Why are you staring at me? This shouldn’t be so surprising.

Navi: Um, actually it is. After all, you were trying to kill Link a couple hours ago.

Zelda: No I wasn’t! I was just faking!

Just so the readers know, she wasn’t faking it.

Zelda: Hey!

Link: Uh, so you’re saying that you want to marry me now?

Zelda: Yes.

Link: No way!!! Why are you acting all lovey-dovey?!?

I thought you hated me!!! What’s wrong with you?!?

Zelda: Nothing’s wrong with me! Now why don’t you come back to the castle with me?

Zelda starts walking towards Link. Link starts to panic.

Link: Navi! She’s blocking the entrance! How do we get out?!

Navi: I dunno.

Link: I’ll have to bust out!

Link runs through the wall of the cave into the Lost Woods. He quickly calls Epona and gallops away.

Zelda: Link! Come back!

Zelda runs to the hole in the wall and watches Link disappear.

Zelda: Darn it! Now I’ve got to go find him again!

Fifteen minutes later we find Link riding through the Gerudo Desert.

Link: I think we’re safe now.

Navi: Yeah, nobody in their right mind would come out into this desert.

Link: That’s exactly why we’re here!

Navi: I still don’t get how we got through the Gerudo fortress without being seen!

Link: Remember when I went to Termina as a kid?

Navi: I remember you telling me about it.

Link: …right. Anyway, I got a mask that makes you unnoticeable.

Navi: Oh. So that ugly mask you wore through the fortress made you invisible?

Link: Something like that.

Navi: How did you get Epona through?

Link: I think the mask works on whatever the person is touching.

Navi: Oh…I thought the Gerudos gave you that card that made you a member of their tribe.

Link: I still have that. It’s just that they all seem to think I’m a hunk or something. I don’t like it when they ambush me.

Navi: Do they still patrol the desert?

Suddenly a group of Gerudo come riding towards Link.

Link: You’re a jinx, you know that?

Navi: Lil’ ol’ me?

Gerudo #1: Who goes there?!

Link: Uh, the carpet seller?

Gerudo #2: Hey look it’s Link! Let’s get him!

Epona runs away as the Gerudos grab Link and start poking and prodding him while exclaiming how hot he is.

Link: Let go! Hey, no souvenirs! My Master Sword! No touchy! Let go of my tunic! Help!

By now Zelda has found Link again and sees the problem right away.

Zelda: Don’t worry Link! I’ll get you out of there!

Link: Ahhh! Not Zelda! Gerudos, save me!

Gerudo #3: Ok, let’s take him back to the fortress!

Link: No! Not the fortress! Zelda, help!

Zelda: With pleasure.

Zelda steps forward and starts grabbing and shoving the Gerudos off Link. As soon as Link is free, he starts running.

Zelda: Hey, come back here!

Link: Never!

Link looks around and spots a horse. He runs over to it and climbs on.

Link: Ok horse let’s go!

Link nudges the horse. The horse doesn’t respond. Link kicks the horse. It doesn’t move.

Link: Move you stupid freak!

The horse lays back its ears and starts bucking.

Link: Ahhh! I didn’t mean it!

The horse takes off.

Link: AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh…

Navi: Hey, wait for me!

Navi flies after the horse.

Zelda: If I follow the fairy, she’ll lead me straight to Link!

Zelda hops on her horse and rides after Navi.

Ten minutes later Navi finds Link lying facedown on the shore of Lake Hylia.

Navi: There you are!

Link: (mumbling) Uhhh…evil…demon horse…

Navi: What did it do?

Link pulls himself into a sitting position.

Link: Let’s not get into the details.

Navi: If you say so.

Suddenly Link hears the sound of a horse approaching.

Link: Not Zelda again…

Epona comes trotting up.

Link: Epona!

Link jumps up and starts hugging her.

Navi: Uh…Link? Why are you hugging a horse?

Link: Because I missed her!

Navi: It’s only been fifteen minutes…

Link: Shut up.

Navi: That "demon horse" must have done something really bad to get you this emotional.

Link: I said shut up!

They suddenly hear a horse come up behind them.

Link: Oh crap…

Zelda: Found you!

Zelda gets off her horse.

Zelda: I seriously think we should go back to the castle now…

Link: No! Why are you being so…

Link looks over Zelda’s shoulder and gasps.

Link: Look behind you! It’s Ganondorf!!!

Zelda: I am so not falling for that.

Link: Seriously!

Zelda: Stop it! You’re just trying to…

Ganon: (smugly) Miss me?

Zelda whirls around and sees Ganon. She screams.

Link: I told you he was behind you.

Navi: I don’t think this is a good time to rub it in…

Ganon: You’re coming with me princess.

Ganon grabs Zelda’s arm and starts to drag her away. Zelda uses her other hand to zap Ganon.

Ganon: Ow! You’re going to pay for that!

Ganon grabs Zelda and throws her over his shoulder. Zelda tries to zap Ganon but his armor protects him.

Zelda: Link! Help!

Link: I’ve never seen you get kidnapped other than that pink crystal incident. I wanna see how he does it.

Zelda: Well now you know! Help me!

Navi: Link! Ganon’s heading for his horse! He’s gonna escape!!!

Link: Shhh! I’m watching here!

Ganon reaches his horse and ties Zelda’s hands behind her back.

He then gets on to the horse and puts Zelda in front of him.

Ganon: You didn’t even try to stop me, hero! What’s wrong with you?

Link: I’m watching to see how you kidnap her. I’ve never seen you do it yourself.

Ganon: …that’s a stupid reason.

Zelda tries to get off Ganon’s horse.

Ganon: Hold still!

Zelda: Let me go!

Ganon: No.

Zelda whacks Ganon in the jaw with the back of her head.

Ganon: Ow!

Link: Heh, looks like she’s not gonna hold still.

Ganon: I’ve wasted enough time listening to you!

Ganon shoots a ball of electricity at Link. Link dodges. Ganon takes this opportunity to escape.

Navi: You idiot! You waited to long! Now he’s gone!

Link: Oops. Well, at least I got to see how Ganon kidnaps Zelda.

Navi: That’s not an excuse! Now, get on your horse! We’re going after them!

Link: But if I rescue her, I’ll have to marry her!

Navi: So what? Most men would give their right arm to marry her!

Link: Not me! Maybe if I go live in Termina nobody will find me…

Navi: But then Ganon will take over Hyrule!

Link: Oh yeah, I forgot about that.

Link sighs.

Link: I guess I have to save her. Darn it!

Navi: Well let’s go!

Link gets on Epona and gallops in the direction Ganon had gone.

Meanwhile in Ganon’s Lair, Zelda is tied to a pillar while Ganon paces around the room.

Zelda: Link will be here any minute to rescue me. Then you’ll be sorry!

Ganon: Ah, but this time I’m not falling for his tricks! I’ll kill him as soon as he shows his face!

Ganon stops in front of Zelda.

Ganon: And I’ve already set up the wedding.

Zelda: What do you mean "set up"?

Ganon points at a pair of doors.

Ganon: Just beyond those doors over there is the wedding ceremony. I’ve already brainwashed Rauru into thinking that you agreed to this.

Zelda: I’ll never marry you!!! What are you going to do, threaten me with Barney or something?

Ganon: I have your nursemaid Impa captive and if you don’t put on the wedding dress and marry me, she dies.

Zelda: How do I know your not faking it?

Ganon pulls out a magic orb and shows Zelda that Impa is trapped in his dungeon.

Zelda: …oh.

Ganon: Well?

Zelda: Is there a third choice?

Ganon: No.

Zelda takes a deep breath.

Zelda: I’m only doing this because Impa raised me.

Ganon: Is that a yes?

Zelda: …yes.

Ganon: It’s about time! Muhahaha!

Zelda: Are you going to untie me or not?

Ganon unties Zelda.

Ganon: Now change into the wedding dress.

Zelda: You leave and I’ll consider it.

Ganon: No.

Zelda: What?! Ok, that’s it. Epona Girl!

Epona Girl: What?

Zelda: Could you smite Ganon with lightning?

Epona Girl: No.

Zelda : Why not?!

Epona Girl: Because that would ruin the plot. But I will magically change your clothes into a wedding dress. That is, unless you want to change in front of Ganon…

Zelda: No!!! Change the clothes!

Epona Girl: Ok then.

Suddenly a ray of magic zaps Zelda’s dress into a wedding dress.

Ganon: Darn it.

Zelda: Just keep in mind that I’m divorcing you after this.

Ganon: We’ll see about that. Now when you hear the organ music start, walk down the aisle and stand by the altar. Got it?

Zelda: I know how weddings work.

Ganon: Just do what I said.

Zelda glares at Ganon’s back as he goes into the chamber.

Zelda: Since when does he come up with actually smart plots? He hasn’t done anything this elaborate since the time he trapped me in that crystal. Maybe he hit his head or something…

Suddenly music starts coming from the marriage chamber.

Zelda: Link, hurry up…

Zelda goes through the doors and walks down the aisle, stopping at the altar. She notices that most of the guests are Gerudos.

Rauru: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today…

Meanwhile Link arrives at Ganon’s lair and climbs the extremely long stairs to the top.

Link: Ganon really needs to install an elevator.

Link finally reaches the top chamber.

Navi: Where are they? Shouldn’t they be here?

Link: I think they’re in the next room. Let’s go!

Link walks over to the doors and slips into the marriage chamber. He looks around and quickly figures out what’s going on.

Rauru: Do you, Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo, take this woman to be your wedded wife?

Ganon: Yes.

Rauru: And do you, Zelda, Princess of Hyrule, take this man to be your lawful husband?

Zelda glances at Ganon out of the corner of her eye. He makes a cutting gesture at his throat. Zelda gulps.

Zelda: I…

Link: Hold it!

Ganon whirls around and spots Link.

Ganon: You!!! How dare you interrupt my wedding?!

Link: I dare.

Ganon: Prepare to die hero!

Ganon fires a blast of lightning at Link. It misses him by a hair.

Link: Do you really think I’m going to let you be king of Hyrule?

Ganon: You fool! I’ll kill you!

Navi: Fairy Fart of Doom!!!

Zelda: Ahhh!

Zelda runs out the door and slams it behind her.

Epona Girl: Hold it! Let me get my gas mask on! *rustling sound* Ok, you can continue.

Navi: Three, two, one…

All of the Gerudos and Rauru pass out from the stench.

Ganon: Oh my gosh!!! The stench!!! Link, kill me!!! I can’t stand the smell!!!

Link: Aw, come on. It’s not that bad.

Ganon grabs Link’s sword and stabs himself.

Link: Ok, so maybe it is.

Navi: I just love doing that.

Zelda pokes her head into the room.

Zelda: Is it over?

Link: Yeah.

Zelda: Oh Link! I knew you’d come!

Zelda runs over to Link and kisses him before he can react.

Link: Ack!!!

Link starts gagging.

Navi: Link? Are you okay?

Link: W-w-waterrr…

Navi flies away and comes back with a glass of water. Link gulps it down.

Link: Ah, much better.

Zelda: Now can we go back to the castle?

Link: No!

Navi suddenly thinks of something.

Navi: Hey Zelda, have you had any potions lately?

Zelda: Not since my father gave me a red potion to calm me down yesterday. It tasted kinda funny…

Navi: That’s it!

Link: What?

Navi: The king must’ve given Zelda a love potion so that she’d want to marry you!

Link: That makes sense, him wanting us to marry and all…we have to find an antidote!

Navi: Why don’t we go to that potion shop in Castle Town?

Link: Perfect! Let’s go!

Twenty minutes later they arrive at the potion shop. They go in and Link walks up to the counter.

Link: Do you have an antidote to love potions?

Clerk: We have some in the back, but they aren’t cheap.

Link: How much are they?

Clerk: Five hundred rupees.

Link makes a strangled noise.

Navi: Do we get discounts for The Hero of Time?

Clerk: No.

Link takes out his sword.

Link: How about you give me the potion for two hundred rupees and live?

Clerk: Here’s your anti-love potion sir! Have a nice day!

Link hands the clerk a silver rupee and takes the potion.

Link: Thank you.

They go outside.

Link: Ok Zelda, drink this uh…green potion.

Zelda: Only if I get a kiss.

Navi: Just do it Link, then you can go back to normal.

Link: Define "normal".

Navi: Just do it.

Link: …fine.

Link gives Zelda a quick kiss on the cheek and hands her the potion. He then takes out some mouthwash and begins to swish it around in his mouth.

Zelda: Why do you want me to drink this potion anyway?

Navi: Because Link thought you’d like an expensive, gourmet green potion.

Zelda: Aw, how sweet! Thanks Link!

Link: Just drink it!

Zelda drinks the potion.

Navi: The bottle said it would take three and a half minutes to work. If it doesn’t work, that means she actually does like you!

Link: Let’s hope it works.

Three and a half minutes later the potion takes affect.

Zelda: Ewww! I can’t believe I kissed you! Give me that mouthwash!

Zelda grabs the mouthwash from Link and starts to swish it around in her mouth.

Link: Yes! It worked!

Navi: Now you don’t have to marry her!

Guard: There they are men! Get them!

A group of guards run up and grab Link and Zelda.

Zelda: How dare you?! Release me at once!

Link: What did I do?!

Navi: Fairy Fart of Doom!

A guard smacks Navi with his shield.

Navi: Ow!

Guard #2: Put that fairy in a bottle!

Another guard traps Navi in a bottle.

Link: What the heck are you doing?!

Guard #3: Isn’t it obvious? We’re taking you to the castle! The king said that you wouldn’t come willingly.

Zelda: What about me!?

Guard #1: Oops. Sorry your highness.

The guards let Zelda go.

Zelda: What do you want Link for?

Guard #4: The king didn’t say. Now let’s go!

The guards handcuff Link and march to the castle. Ten minutes later we find Link locked in the dungeon.

Link: What the heck am I doing in here?! You &$@&!!!

Guard: Watch your mouth!

Link: No! What did I %&@ do?! You have no %$# reason to lock me up!

Guard: Quiet!

Link: Why don’t you, you @$#%?!

Guard: If you don’t shut up I’ll come in there!

Link: %$&@!

Guard: Ok, that’s it!

The guard opens the cell door and goes inside. Screams and swearing can be heard coming from the cell. Seconds later an extremely maimed guard comes running out with Link chasing him.

Guard: AHHH!!! Help!!! Help!!! He’s gone mad!!!

Link: I’ll teach you #@%$ to lock me up!!! $%#!!!

A bunch of guards come running up and grab Link. Link is snarling and trying to get at the guard.

Guard #3: I think we should take him to the king now…

Guard #2: Yeah.

The guards take Link kicking and swearing up to the throne room. As soon as Link sees the king, he explodes.

Link: You freakin’ $@%#!!!

Everyone in the throne room stares at Link as he marches up to the king.

King: What did you say?!

Link reaches the king and jabs his finger into his chest.

Link: You, have caused me loads of %$&# trouble and I am %$@# sick of it!!! I’ve saved Hyrule from all of those &@$# villains and this is the %#@$ thanks I get?!? What kind of %#$@ king are you?!?

King: …I…never thought of it that way…

Link: Well, think of it that way!!! And if you don’t cancel the wedding, give me a million rupees, a mansion on Lake Hylia, and a holiday in my honor, I’m leaving Hyrule for good!!!

King: Now let’s not be unreasonable here…

Link: It’s not unreasonable! I’ve saved Hyrule hundreds of times! You’re lucky I’m not asking for more! And we’re not even getting close to what you should owe me after what you’ve made me go through!!!

Zelda: He’s right you know.

King: You stay out of this!

Zelda: No!!!

King: Don’t you yell at me Zelda!

Zelda: You gave me a freakin’ love potion! I have the right to yell! I may not love Link, but he has saved me hundreds of times and you haven’t even given him a single reward for any of it! Now give him all of the stuff he asked for or else I’ll call mother!

The king pales.

King: You wouldn’t!

Zelda: I would! I’ll call her right now and tell her what you’ve been doing since she died!

King: All right, all right! I’ll give Link his demands!

Link: Thank you.

The king tells the guards to get Link everything he’s asked for.

Link: That’s more like it! Goodbye, tree house! Oh yeah, I’d

also like to have Navi back.

King: Oh yes, the fairy. Zelda has her.

Link turns to Zelda.

Link: Why do you have Navi?

Zelda: The guards wanted to sell her to the potion shop for some quick cash. I decided to keep her safe while you were…um…busy.

Link: Oh. Well, can I have her back now?

Zelda pulls out a bottled Navi and uncorks the bottle. Navi flies over to Link.

Link: Navi, you’ll never believe what I just made the king give me!

King: Yes yes, we all know what you demanded. By the way, has anyone seen Impa?

Back in Ganon’s Dungeon…

Impa: Hello? Is anybody there? Hello? Get me out of here!

Special thanks to Brittney L for helping me come up with half the ideas for this story. And special thanks to God for giving me some writing skills.