Seven Years. Back in Time.

Link: Wait. That didn’t work. This isn’t the chamb………(Looks at himself.) WHOAH. I’m a kid again.

Navi: Yeah I noticed. At least I didn’t have those damn crosswords again.Link: But you will when I go, Back to the future.

Navi: Oh No.

Link: Oh Yes. (Seizes the Sword from the pedestal.)

Seven years Later.

Link: Told you I would do it.

Navi: Oh Well. I had something to do. See I have been playing Super Smash Bros Brawl.

Link: Really? Wait, can you even read English?.

Navi: I can now with this (Shoves a "English for Dummies" book in his face.)

Link: Oh. So. What did you think of me?

Navi: Felt like you could use better weapons. I mean the Gale Boomerang. More like the Gay Boomerang.

Link: Why do you care, you’re just a taunt. HA!!

Navi: Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. One of these days I will get you.

Link: Yeah right. I’m too good for you. (Walks off)

Navi: Yeah that’s right. Walk away. I’ll get you.

Later in Kakarikko Village.

Link: Now we go up Death Mountain to the (Voices Echoes) Fire Temple. (Off in the distance. Thunder Rumbles.)

Navi: (Looks around.) Every time we say something bad. Our voices echo and thunder rumbles in the distance.

Link: I know. Isn’t it awesome.

Navi: It scares me. I’m never going to say anything like (Voice Echoes.) Fire Temple (Off in the distance. Thunder Rumbles.) again. (Navi gives off a little whimper.)

Link: Why not?

Navi: Because…………(Thinks of an excuse.) ………………..Oh I got it. It takes up too much room for our writers to write.Link: Fair enough. We will stop saying (Voice Echoes.) Fire Temple (Off in the distance. Thunder Rumbles.) Oh dammit I just said it again.

Navi: OK. From now on we stop saying……..(Catches self) That evil place.

Link: So instead of saying (Voice Echoes) Fire Temple (Off in the distance. Thunder Rumbles.) we say that "Evil Place."

Navi: Yeah.

Link: Right I can live with that. Now off to the ……..(Catches Self) That Evil Place. (Winks at Navi.)

Navi: Right.

Later (After winning a bigger quiver at the shooting gallery, pissing off the windmill guy by playing the Song of Storms all the Time.) Our Heroes find themselves at the entrance up the trail to Goron City where they will find clues to where the (Voice Echoes) Fire Temple (Off in the distance. Thunder Rumbles.) would be.

Link: So.Navi:………………Now what.

Link: Hey why is it so red here?

Navi: Look at the peak of the mountain dimwit.

Link: Oh. Hey it has that red thing swirling around it.

Navi: Remember what that owl said Seven Years ago.

Link: Ummmmmmmmm……

Flashback Seven Years ago. Sometime before Link conquers that nefarious Dodongos Cavern.

Kaepora Gaebora: ……and if the mountain is in great peril. Then you will see a red thing swirling around the top.

Link: (All of his concentration is on him playing his GameBoy Advance. Where he is playing Pokemon Emerald.) NOOO MY BLAZIKEN JUST GOT KILLED.

Navi: You mean fainted.

Link: Whatever. Kaepora Gaebora: …………………..Oh that’s it. I give up. (Flies off.)

Link: (Looks up.) Huh. What? Hold on I’ll just save it. (Saves it.) Right now. Where were we.

Navi: I think he flew off.

Link: Oh well. Hey look. It’s one of those fancy walls you can blow up. (Sets a bomb and blows up the wall.)

Navi: I wonder what’s in here?

Link: Let’s find out. (Both walk in.)

Flashforward back to where we are.

Navi:…….and I’m sure you remember what happened after that.

Link: Oh. Yes.

Flashback Seven Years ago (Once again.)

Link: Hey. It’s just a fancy fountain.

Navi: Look its one of those Triforce Symbols Impa told us about.

Link: Yeah. Your right. (Walks up and plays Zelda’s Lullaby.)

Great Fairy: (Laughs and rises up from the fancy pond.)

Link: …………………………………………………………..Hey a prostitute! Great Fairy: Welcome heroic traveler to my spring I am the Great Fairy of Magic.

Link:…………………….Oh so you aren’t a prostitute. (Puts away his wallet.) Wait. HEY. Are you one of those Faries that if I throw something at. It gives me more of?

Great Fairy: Excuse me?

Link: (Pulls out his Slingshot and fires one and it hits the great fairy in the eye.)

Great Fairy: (Holds eye.) Owwww. My eye.

Link: Hmmmm. Maybe stuff more solid. (Thorws his sword at the Great Fairy.)

Great Fairy: (Sword goes through her chest and she falls into the pond and dies. The clear water that was I it is now all red.)

Link: Oh I see now. You are one of those fairies who give me magic powe………(Notices the dead fairy.) Oh. (Runs forwards takes out the sword and slips 50 rupee’s down her top.) I’m sure we don’t need to discuss any life insurance policies. (Runs away.) 

Flashforward.

Link: Yes I can never forget that. I really thought she was a prostitute.

Navi: Wouldn’t put it past her. I mean the way she dressed. She was asking for it.

Link: So in a way I saved some people.

Navi: Or maybe she was an Oracle of something and that dies when that thing dies.

Link: Yeah maybe. Lets go.

Meanwhile seven years ago. In that far away land of Atlantis.

Random Person #1: I am soooo glad we moved our Oracle of Floatation to that land of Hyrule.

Random Person #2: Yeah. I mean if she died then we would sink to the bottom of the Ocean.

Suddenly a sound like a cork popping off a bottle sounds off and they all start to sink.

Random Person #1: OH NO SHE HAS DIED. 1000 CURSES ON THE PERSON WHO DI…….(The rest of the sentence was cut short by them being swamped underwater.) 

Flashforward to Goron City.

Link: Here we are back at Goro…………Oh no I just remembered.

Navi: What?

Link: Remember seven years ago again as soon as we beat the Doddongo’s Cavern?Navi: Yeah……………. Oh I see your point.

Link: Wait I have an idea.

Several Minutes Later.

Link: (Walks into Goron city wearing a Groucho Marx novelty glasses carrying a pizza box and wearing a pizza delivery uniform and speaking with an Italian accent.) Pizza delivery. (Realizes there is no one there.) Hey there is no one here.

Navi: Yeah. Your right. (Under breath) for once.

Link: Haha maybe they we………(Trips and falls down a floor.) Augh. Damned things. They should put up warning signs or something.

Navi: As I said. Only complete idiots would fall down a hole.

Link: Yeah. Yeah. Anyway lets g………(Gets run down by the rolling Goron.) AAUUUUGGGGHHHH> YOU *@$%^(#$.

Rolling Goron: (Continues to roll.)

Link: RIGHT YOU ARE IN FOR PAIN.

After Several Hours of throwing bombs. Link decides to set a trap.

Link: (Wearing his Italian disguise once again.) Hey. Who ordered the rock pizza? 

Rolling Goron: (Stops in front of Link and hops up.) Rock Pizza?

Link: Yes.

Rolling Goron: I’ll take it.

Link: You can take this. (Rips off his pizza delivery uniform and pulls out his sword.) 

Rolling Goron: AAUUUGGGGGHHHH. YOU’RE ONE OF GANNONDORFS MINIONS.Link: What? No I’m not. I hate him. He sealed up the Doddongo’s Cavern and made your entire race starve.

Rolling Goron: So. You are the Legendary Doddongo Buster?

Link: Doddongo buster?

Navi: (Whispers in Links ear.) He means you saved this village you idiot.

Link: Oh. Then yes I am.

Rolling Goron: And the stinky thief.

Link: Yeah tha…………………STINKY?!?

Rolling Goron: (Cowers in fear.) Sorry.

Link: You should be. Now we need your help. Where can we find the Evil Place.

Rolling Goron: Evil Place?

Link: Yeah.

Rolling Goron: I know an evil place. It’s the (Voice Echoes) Fire Temple (Off in the distance. Thunder Rumbles.) It’s where Gannondorf took our entire race and is going to feed them to a dragon as a warning to others.

Link: Really? Gannondorf is just a wee baby. How did he do that?

Navi: The Triforce you nutter.

Link: Oh right.Rolling Goron: Yeah. I managed to keep from their grasp.

Link: How?

Rolling Goron: Well…………

Flashback. A whole bunch of Stalfo’s have got the gorons in a line with braces around there hands and feet.

Stalfo #1: I think we have them all.

Stalfo #2: Maybe we should check for more hiding.

Stalfo #1: Good idea.

They search the Entire Goron city. They enter Darunia’s Room.

Stalfo #1: There is nothing in here except that Goron Statue.

Rolling Goron: (Frozen in place and starting to sweat a bit twitching every now and then.)

Stalfo #2: Yeah your right. Let’s go (Both leave.)

Rolling Goron: (Collapses to the floor.) Oh man. My muscles are aching. Right. Now I am going to roll around just to make sure they can’t capture me. Unless they threw bombs at me then I’d stop.

Flashforward

Roling Goron: ………………………..and I gave them the old left hook then they ran away.

Link: OK. Right now I must be off. I suppose I must save the Gorons.

Rolling Goron: Wait. You have to travel through Death Mountain to find the (Voice Echoes) Fire Temple. (Off in the distance. Thunder Rumbles.)

Link: …………and?

Rolling Goron: You could die.

Link: OK. What did you have in mind?

Rolling Goron: Well I was going to say you take a very cold bath before you go there. But I could give you a fire-proof tunic so you couldn’t get burned.

Link: Well. OK. Tunic it is.

Rolling Goron: (Hands over the Goron Tunic.)

Link: (Recieves the Tunic and holds it above his head.)

Navi: You got the GORON TUNIC. With thi………….

Link: THAT’S IT. (Grabs Navi from mid-air and throws her in a bottle.) THAT. Should shut you up. Now to climb Death Mountain and get into the ……….Evil Place. (Runs off.)

Rolling Goron: Well I was going to say he could take the secret passage through my father’s room but. Oh well.

Several Hours Later.

Link: (Collapses.) Oh man I can’t go any further.

Navi: (From inside the bottle.) Don’t be a wuss.

Link: Don’t make me throw you into the Lava.

Navi: *Whimper*Link: Right. Now which door-way was it that leaded to the crater? 

Navi: Right.Link: (Couldn’t hear Navi.) I think it is left. (Runs into the Fairy Fountain to find a small memorial service of the Fairies from around Hyrule.) Oh Dear. (Runs off.) 

Later in the Death Mountain Crater.

Link: Oh man it’s SOOOO hot in here. Well I guess I’ll just whip on my Goron Tunic.

Navi: (Who managed to escape her prison.) Anyway. Looks like the entrance is down over there by that warp point.

Link: OK. But how do we get there? We can’t jump across that gap because that boulder blocks me from jumping across.

Navi: Maybe there is another way in?

Link: ..or we could ask Spider-Man to gives us a lift across?

Navi: Spider-Man?

Link: Yeah. He helps people who are in real danger. Soo all I do is jump off the cliff into the Lava then we will swing from somewhere and put me somewhere safe.

Navi:…………………….You. Are. An. Actual. IDIOT.

Link: Only one way to find out. (Jumps off the cliff down into the Lava.) 

Suddenly from nowhere Superman flies down and catches Link before he falls into the Lava and places him down on the wooden bridge.

Superman: You be careful now. You hear?

Link: Awwwwwwwwwwwwww. I wanted Spider-Man.

Superman: *sniff sniff* Fine. That’s the last time I help you. (Flies off.)  

Link: Good now that that’s out of the way. Let’s go.

Sheik: (Jumps down from the little volcano.)

Link: Hey look it’s Spider-Man!

Navi: That’s not Spider-Man. It’s Sheik.

Link: Then why is he wearing tights and all red?

Navi: It only looks red because we are in a Volcano, Idiot.

Link: Oh right.

Sheik: Shut up you idiots. Now I am supposed to say some fancy dancy who-ha thing. But I’ll just skip right to teaching you this song. (Pulls out harp and plays Bolero of Fire.)

Link: (Pulls out Ocarina and Plays Bolero of Fire.)

Sheik: Good. Now good-bye.Link: Wait I need to ask you something (Walks towards Sheik but fire sprouts up and blocks them.)

Sheik: (Throws down a Deku nut.)

Link: (Shields eyes.) AUGH. (Looks at where Sheik was.) Wow. Sheik really got the hang of teleporting. He isn’t here anymore. The only thing there now is that Tree.

Navi: …Ummmm Link.

Link: No navi not right now. We must be off. We have to save Death Mountain.

Navi: Wow you are actually taking an interest in this Hero thing.

Link: No. I’m just saying what our readers want to read. Wha I REALLY want to do is try playing Super Smash Bros Brawl. I bet I'm awesome at it.

Navi: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

A few minutes later in the Fire Temple.

Link: Wow. I love this temple already.

Navi: Great. Now we need to go through that door. (Points to the door that leads to the entrance to the boss room.)

Link: Why do you say that?

Navi: Because that door is covered by that statue. That one is useless until very later, and that one is locked.

Link: Right. (Runs off.)

3 hours later.

Link: Hey look up there. There is a chest inside that ring of fire.

Navi: (Sarcastic.) Really. I didn’t know that. Your so smart.

Link: Thanks. Now let’s get it. (Accidentally stands on the switch that’s turns off the fire.) Hey look its gone. (Quickly runs up and opens the chest.)

Navi: You found the MEGATON HAMMER…

Link: Megaton Hammer. Naa I prefer M.C.

Navi: M.C Hammer? Oh I see.

Link: Great. Now let’s go pound some stuff with M.C Hammer. (Runs off singing Can’t Touch This.)

Another 3 hours later in front of the Boss Chamber.

Link: Right. Navi are you Ready?

Navi: (Pumped up.) Oh Yeah Baby.

Link: Then lets kick some Dragon Butt. (Puts the key in the lock and opens it.)

We are all shocked to find Volvigia lying down on a couch and Darunia sitting beside her with Glasses over his eyes and a clipboard nodding every now and then.

Link and Navi: ……………………….Ummm.

Volvigia: (Sniffing and wiping tears from her eyes.) I don’t try to be evil. I mean Gannondorf only made me be evil. And what’s with those rumors of me eating Gorons. He knows perfectly well that I am a vegetarian, and when people see me they start screaming and run in the other Direction. (Starts crying.)

Darunia: (Comforts Volvigia.) There. There. It’s not your fault.

Link: (Walks up to Volvigia.) Listen. I can help you. I can kill you then that solve everyone’s problem.

Volvigia: *sniff* Really?

Link: Yeah just look the other way and it will all be over.

Volvigia: I was thinking of Suicide but getting killed would be better.

Link: OK. Now look over there. It will all be over with one hit.(Quickly pulls out the Megaton……..sorry. M C Hammer and hits Volvigia over the head.)

Volvigia: (On the ground with blood pouring from her head.) I’m…… still………..alive…………….

Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DRAGON!!!!!!. (Continuously beats Volvigia over the head with the hammer  until Volvigia rises up and flies around before bursting into flame. For some strange reason. Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash starts playing.)

Navi: Well……………….That was………………different.

Link: But done none the same.(Turns to face the crowd) Remember, suicide is not the way, there are others out there who are more than willing to help.

Navi: Either that or Link can beat you continuously with the Megaton Hammer. (Starts laughing at own Joke.)

Crickets off in the distance: That is not even worth chirping over, that is just horrible what you said.

Link: (Faces Navi.) Way to ruin the atmosphere. (Slaps Navi.) No! Bad fairy! (Picks up Heart Container and leaves via the blue portal.)

In the Chamber of Sages.

Link: Hey we are back here. Lucky I came prepared (Pulls out a fold-out chair and sits on it.)

Darunia: (Rises up from the Fire Medallion symbol.) Well brother, I guess I owe you thanks.

Link: Just doing what I should.

Darunia: I am still not happy about the Goron’s Ruby, brother.

Link:…………Oh. Well. There was a perfectly good explanation for that………You see………….

Darunia: Works for me.

Link: (Slightly confused.) Ummmmmmm I didn’t give my reason.

Navi: (Quickly flies to Links ear and whispers.) Just leave it at that.

Link: Oh…..Right.

Darunia: Anyway I have to give you this Medallion. (Lifts arms up and Medallion comes floating down to Darunia’s hand.)

Link: Ummmmmmmm aren’t I meant to get it instead of you?

Darunia: (Looks at it with an amazed look on his face.) Sooooooooo Shiny. Sooooooooooo Shiny……………….. It’s mine. My Precious……………………………..

Link:……………………………What?

Darunia: Its Mine. (Starts coughing.) Gollum. Gollum.

Link: Uh Oh. Hey, look Darunia, what’s over there? (Points to nothingness.)

Darunia: (Turns and looks.) Where?

Link: (Sneaks over and snatches the Medallion.) Yoink. (Sends himself back to Hyrule.)

Darunia: Oh that Link. He will PAY.

Back in Death Mountain Crater.

Link: (Falls onto the blue portal.) Well. We finished the (Voice Echoes.) Fire Temple. (Off in the Distance. Thunder Rumbles.)

Navi: Yeah. Now to the (Voice Echoes.) Water Temple. (Off in the Distance. Thunder Rumbles.) Oh man it also does that thing with the Water place as well.

Link: Oh well lets go. (Starts to run but stops.)Navi: What is it?

Link: I have the strange feeling that I forgot something.

Navi:……………Probably nothing to worry about.

Link: Yeah. Lets go.

Meanwhile back in the (Voice Echoes.) Fire Temple. (Off in the distance. Thunder Rumbles.)

Random Goron: (Curled up in a ball and stuck behind bars.) Helloooooooooooo. Is anyone going to save me?

That immediately starts a chain reaction of all the Gorons moaning and crying. Some are afraid they are going to starve and kill their buddies for sustenance.