Burn: What's going on?
(Link, Rauru, and Nabooru are all sitting down at the dinner table. All three are busting out with laughter.)
Burn: (thinking) Why is Dad laughing at her jokes? And why is Grandpa smiling so big?
(Burn stares at Nabooru.)
Burn: (still thinking) In the blink of an eye, the Gerudo has wormed her way into my life.
(Burn shifts away from Nabooru and turns to TV-kun, who is sitting in the corner.)
Burn: (thinking EVEN MORE) She and her robot...what is that thing anyways?
(Burn's thoughts are interrupted by Nabooru.)
Nabooru: (using a creepy voice) How's you're head, Takkun?
Burn: Who Cares?! This sucks...
(Nabooru reaches across the table towards Burn's forehead.)
Nabooru: Let me seeeeeee...
(Burn swerves away.)
Nabooru: What's the matter, Takkun? You don't want me to see where your penis used to be?
Burn: Don't call me Takkun!
Nabooru: Zelda does...
Burn: Zelda's weird...
(All of the sudden a clinking sound comes from the head of the table. Link is tapping his glass with a fork)
Link: Sorry to but in to your conversation but I noticed that Nabooru said, "Where your penis USED to be"?
(Burn looks at him with a weird look.)
Burn: It wasn't a penis dad... It was a big zit.
(Author's note: Remember the crazy all caps no punctuation segment from chapter two? IT'S BACK!!)
Link: HELP! SOMEONE CUT OFF MY SONS PENIS!
BURN: NO DAD ITS NOT LIKE THAT!
NABOORU: I BIT IT OF! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!! PENISES TASTE
RAURU: YOU FILTHY WORDS IM NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY YOU BIT OFF MY
GRANDSONS PENIS NOW I CANT CARRY ON THE FAMILY NAME: RAURU!!
NABOORU: (ASSUALTS HIM) YOURE FAMILY NAME ISNT RAURU YOU
DUMB@$$ ITS HOMOSEXUALHOBO!!!!
LINK: I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT PENISES TASTED GOOD I ALREADY
(Everybody stares at Link awkwardly.)
NABOORU: HES GAYYYYYY!!!!
LINK: NO IM NOT I JUST MASTRIBATE!!
NABOORU: WITH YOUR MOUTH?!
RAURU: (ASSUALTS NABOORU) MY SON IS NOT GAY AND NEITHER AM I
HOW ELSE COULD WE HAVE KIDS?
NABOORU: (ASSUALTS HIM BACK) DID YOU JUST CALL ME
HOMOSEXUALLY CHALLENGED?! IM NOT GAY AND YOU MUST BE
BURN: I KNOW HOW YOU HAD KIDS FIRST YOU GOT DRUNK AND THEN
YOU GOT HIGH AND THEN YOU GOT LAID!!
LINK: SUCH A GOOD BOY YOU'VE LEARNED SO MUCH!!
TV-KUN: DID YOU SAY HIGH!!
BURN: CRAP! HES DOING IT AGAIN!!!!
TV-KUN: I'M NOT DOIN IT IM GETTIN HIGH!
NABOORU: SMOKE BURNS PENIS!!
(A saw comes out of TV-kun's hand as he reaches down to Burn's pants. Burn, as terrified as he is, throws a quarter at the robot.)
TV-kun: Ooooh, a shiny one!
(TV-kun chases after the quarter. Burn, upset about nearly having his penis cut off and used as a drug, gets up and leaves the room.)
Nabooru: You're leaving? You hardly ate a thing! Hey, Dad! Looks like you've got a
peckish eater! That's the first sign of a troubled youth!
Link: Don't worry about him, Nabooru-san. He's just shy. He'll grow up to be an outlandish pervert, just like his old man.
(Burn ignores them both and walks away. Someone comes up behind him and taps his shoulder.)
Burn: I'm not hungry!
(Burn turns around and sees the robot.)
Burn: Whoa! Don't scare me like that!
(TV-kun holds out a tray of aluminum cans. Burn takes one and opens it.)
Burn: Lon-Lon Beer? You want me to drink some?
(Link takes a sip.)
Burn: Wait...don't these poison your kidneys and shorten you're life expectancy by three years? Sure gives you one hell of a buzz, though.
(Burn stops for a second and looks up at the robot.)
Burn: (thinking) wait a minute...why's this thing being nice to me? Is it pity?
Burn: (aloud) I DON'T NEED YOUR PITY!
(Burn suddenly kicks TV-kun in the nuts. Surprised and in horrible amounts of cold hard pain, the robot drops the tray, and beer spills out everywhere, with empty cans rolling off into the darkness.)
Burn: (running away) And I don't need your pity! You're just a dumb robot!
(TV-kun, hurt both physically and feelingly*, lays on the ground staring at the floor. It looks as if it's about to cry, but robots don't cry, and it's just been kicked in its balls, I need to save it some of its dignity. Nabooru walks out in a bathrobe and sits down next to it.)
Nabooru: Don't worry about him. He's just a kid. How bout I help you clean up this beer, and then we'll go up to the bedroom together. Would that make you feel better?
(The robot nods.)
Nabooru: (rubbing its back.) Yeah. I'll go get the mop and a condom.
*I know feelingly isn't a word. Deal with it.
Burn: A ghost hand? Like a disembodied, floating, hand?
(Burn, Dirty Joe the Stoner, and Mido are hanging out at school, per usual.)
Dirty Joe: When they tore it down to redraw the district lines, weird things started happening. This old lady who lives in the alley near there, even went crazy! She just runs around all day, screaming about robots trying to rape her! And a few days ago, there was a huge explosion over there! We have to check it out!
Burn: You're really into all this crap, aren't you?
Dirty Joe: Well, I'm through with cram school. So I get bored, Burn. So, you wanna come?
Burn: (sighing) Sure, why not...
(Burn and drugged-out company leave the school to see Zelda sitting on a bench across the street.)
Mido: Hey! Looks like someone's here to see you!
Dirty Joe: Burn's wife.
Mido: Well, see ya later.
(Burn stands there for a moment.)
Mido: What are you waiting for? Go get her!
Dirty Joe: (snickering) Give the boy a break!
(Burn looks at Zelda for a moment, then whips around in the other direction.)
Burn: Let's take the shortcut!
(Saria suddenly walks around from a corner with her friend. She waves good-bye and then spots Zelda, who is looking for Burn. Zelda turns and stares at Saria with interest.)
Saria: Ug. Why did she have to see me?
(Saria stares at Zelda intently.)
Saria: (thinking) Burn-kun just went out the back. He's avoiding you.
(Zelda stares blankly and confused.)
Saria: (to herself) Telepathy is no good!
(Saria whips around and leaves.)
Mido: Look! A robot shopping!
(Mido points to a store window. TV-kun is in the store looking at pornography.)
Mido: Isn't that your robot, Burn?
Burn: Wha...No! How did- you...
Mido: It's been around a lot, lately. Shopping and stuff. I think it's cool. Like one of those mechanical mates that help old people, right?
Dirty Joe: Damn, that must have been expensive. Is your grandpa dying or something?
Burn: I don't know...maybe.
Burn: Let's go!
(Burn, Dirty Joe, and Mido, all slip through a hole in a wall. They arrive in an old deserted part of town. Burn looks around dully.)
Burn: What did you say was here again?
Dirty Joe: (ignoring him) If those Kokiri Elementary kids are here, there's gunna be a fight...
Mido: Look! It's the old Lady!
(Mido chases after the old lady.)
Mido: Hey there, you old bag!!
Old Lady: (angrily) NO YOU GODDAM ROBOT! I WONT GET HIGH WITH YOU AND I WONT BE YOU'RE LOVE MONKEY!!
(The old lady runs away behind a corner. Mido chases after her, screaming up a storm.)
Burn: Get back over here! Mido!
Dirty Joe: (kicking a bunch of junk) Just ignore him! He'll come back eventually.
Burn: Yo! Don't kick up so much dust!
(The junk Dirty Joe was kicking finally went down. Unfortunately, the entire wall went down with it. A little clearing is revealed. There is a sofa and a rug laying on the ground. Burn lays his bow on the ground and sits on his bags.)
Dirty Joe: So what's up, Burn-kun?
Burn: I'm tired...
(Suddenly, a large explosion goes off from the ally. Mido suddenly comes running out. A huge hole erupts through the wall. Debris and dust flies out everywhere, with Mido running out.)
Mido: (terrified) The old lady has a rocket launcher!!
(Mido runs around in circles talking about the old lady, while Burn and Dirty Joe ignore him. Burn notices a cat sitting on the steps of a burnt-out house.)
Burn: (thinking) Haven't I been here before?
Mido: There sure have been a lot of fires around town lately...
Dirty Joe: There was another one last night.
(Burn gets up and follows the cat. As soon as he goes near it, it runs away. Burn sits down.)
Burn: (thinking) What am I doing
(Burn looks around and spots a smashed wall in an old alley. He begins to think about Zelda. He suddenly jumps up.)
Burn: Wait!! That's the alley where Nabooru and I fought the robots! The old lady was the one TV-kun was chasing!
(Dirty Joe screams at Burn from the clearing.)
Dirty Joe: Burn! Porno Mags! A Bunch!!
(Burn sighs a little and looks of in the direction of the alley.)
(Burn spins around with fear to see the robotic hand glaring at him. Mido and Dirty Joe are looking at the porno mags.)
Dirty Joe: Give Burn the really nasty ones!
(Burns voice suddenly rings out from the hill.)
(Burn pulls out a small bow that his brother left him before he left for the shooting galleries. He reaches into his bags, but has no arrows. He tries to swing the bow like a sword, but the hand knocks it away from him.)
Burn: Agggg! No! That's my brother's bow!!
(The hand launches itself at Burn, who is stuck in a corner. All of the sudden, the hand stops. TV-kun leaps out from behind the house holding his shopping bags. He swings the bags down and smashes a huge dent into the hand. He hands the bags to Burn and attacks the hand. Meanwhile, Dirty Joe and Mido finally realize that something's wrong.)
Mido: Hey Burn! You all right, dude?
(All of the sudden, Nabooru pulls out in front of Mido on her pony. She stops in front of him and pulls out her guitar.)
Mido: Yo! Watch it!
Dirty Joe: Uh Oh!! Gerudo...
(Dirty Joe runs away and hides. Nabooru gets off the pony and stares at Mido.)
Nabooru: Did you see anything...suspicious?
Mido: ...Uh, I was just leaving.
Nabooru: (trying to act cool) Good. Sleep.
(She takes her guitar and clocks Mido in the gut.)
Mido: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU HIT ME FOR!!
Nabooru: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO FALL DOWN AND... DIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!
(As she screams, "die", Nabooru smashes her knees into Mido's face. She hits his head with her guitar. Then she turns around and farts on him.)
Nabooru: PootPoot! Crazy Time!!
(Mido falls down to the ground. She begins walk towards the wall where Dirty Joe is hiding. Meanwhile, TV-kun shoots a left hook at the giant hand. He leaps up into the air and kicks at the robot. The robot blocks the kick with a finger. Nabooru notices the sounds of the fight going on at the hill. All of the sudden, Burn screams. Dirty Joe panics.)
Dirty Joe: Burn!
(Nabooru turns towards the sound of Joe's voice. She reaches for her guitar.)
Nabooru: POWER TO THE SHEEP DOOOOOGGGGGGSSSS!!!! DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!
(The hand flies out at Burn. All of the sudden he hears Dirty Joe screaming.)
Dirty Joe: NOOOOOOOOOO!
(Burn braces himself as the hand flies at him. All of the sudden, TV-kun grabs one of the wires sticking out of the hand. He yanks it away from Burn and throws it down to the ground. He jumps into the air and slams his fist straight into the eye. Burn stares. All of the sudden, Burn gets a sharp pain in his forehead. Nabooru has just ripped the gauze off of his head.)
Nabooru: You're gonna be just fine. Your friends are over there with their porn, bleeding.
(TV-kun rips a mass of wires out from the hand. He throws them down to the ground.)
Burn: (thinking) Who the Hell are these Bastards?
(Burn watches as Nabooru talks to the robot.)
Burn: We could ask her the same question? Dammit! Why can't I stop shaking? All I wanna do is run away...but to where...?